I have tried, I really am and I really did. But everything seem to be falling apart. All my effort to create a different place to work in have seemed to backfire in my face. People are taking me for granted and expecting me to do things that seem very inappropriate. Management is questioning me on my decisions and leaving me to settle so many things alone. Staff is leaving me due to petty issues. I'm left all alone here with more than ever responsibilities and no one to turn to.

I trust that God will make a way for me in this trying time. It is just that this way seem a little bleak at this moment. I feel so lost and so confused it is making me not want to come to work, yet with all this piling up, I have no choice but to come to work. Sleep is deprived, rest is deprived, time is deprived. Emotions are running wild but I have to maintain a strong front for everyone in order to ensure this place keeps running.

I am just a simple person with simple expectation. I am not a very greedy person and I don't think I have done anything to harm anyone. Not much I hope. But things seem to be failing me and eating me up. Nothing seem to be coming back to me.  Sigh~

Do I believe in the greater good or should I change  now?

Many things happened lately in the 2 months I've nt been posting. As always, I tell myself I wanna post about it and when I finally got time, I had no mood. When the mood and idea came, I had no time. I am looking forward to a day when I have no obligations and just chill at TCC or Coffee Club to blog or write about something random, read a book, listen to some music while enjoying a cup of coffee or tea.

I'm a simple person and simple things can be considered a luxury for me. It is not hard to satisfy me, yet I am finding it getting harder and harder to satisfy myself.

Am I really that worthless? I like to think no, but many things happening around me is hitting my confidence and esteem.

I need to sleep. I need a reprieve. I need to be alone, away from everything. I need to breathe.

in relationships, the same can be said. many times we fail to see the goodness the other person is bring to you and you tend to blame him for things that you are not getting. But have you ever wondered what is going on with him? sometimes, there are more than that and you really have to cut him some slack and just go easy with some stuff.

at work, the pay may not be good, but where else can u find bosses and managers like a friend and allow u to make really stupid mistakes? where else do u find the manager washing the dishes for you, or sweeping and mopping instead of asking you? where can u find a cafe that allows you to sit down and chat on shift, or to play board games on shift?

As the chinese saying goes, you get some you lose some. sometimes, look at things from a different angle and you will see things you previously can't see. Let it go.

it was nice talking to v. i learnt alot about the staff and wad they are thinking. i heard wad she think about our current stand and status and some ideas to improve it. Another person that i spoke with lately was SPL's eric. he is really insightful also and knows alot too. I've learnt alot from the short 1 hour talk with him. i'm slowly losing track of time being half a century old and stuff. my hearing also got prob and i'm getting back aches and bad sleep. i feel that i'm falling apart and i'm only 25.... omg~

Yes, you can say," Why lament? Just go exercise and lose weight." Well, i am not that determined and I do not really have that much free time on hand, really. Just came back from a meeting with the Franchisors and showered. Where to find time to go jogging.

I was telling a staff that gays normally fall into 3 categories: rich, fit or good looking and I realised that I am neither. Of course not all ajs are like that but generally speaking. So, have I failed?

Someone did ask me before, are you proud to be aj? My answer? I am proud to be myself. Well, there are just too many obligations in this small circle and sometimes I really  wanna make it big in the circle. But the circle is too tiring. Sometimes I really wanna crawl back into the closet and play monopoly with Azlan and the White Witch. But do I regret being aj? Well, I am who I am and I am proud to be me. There is no regrets cause this is who I was, I am and I will be. I may lament about some stuff but I am still proud to be me. I may have failed in some aspects of my life, but I am still proud to be me.

Just going through some prep talk for myself to boost some morale into myself. =) 

Confucius said: What you do not want, do not give unto others. If you don't want sarcasm , don't be sarcastic. If you do not want temper, don't show your temper to others. If you don't want something, don't give it to others.

I got to go. Sigh.

Being in the working world now makes me realised that things are not as simple as it seems and people have different expectations. It may be a simple thing that needs to be done but different people got different approach and they may not see things from your perspective, even if you are doing it often enough to know better than him, just because they are in a different position, they will think they are better. 

Sometimes I wonder if it will be easy on me to just give up or just face it and fight on. I don't want to keep running away but this is really tiring. And running away is easier. And the pay is not good. And and and and and... But I want to stay too. but but but but but...  Sigh. The oxymoronic life I am living.

And to top it up, being aj makes it harder in the society we are in. People pick on you even more and you tend to keep more things to yourself. Things happen and it is harder to find someone to share.

Lamentations can only work this much. After awhile, it will only add onto the misery of the life you are trying to forget.

Anyhow,

New year was interesting. I spent the transitional moment counting down with a table of guests at the cafe after 2 false attempt coz their watch was too fast and stuff. After that, everything was back to as they were. Then the same table saw very unreasonable and none fun loving guests. It is a wonder why people think the way they do sometimes. Same day, same emotion, same game (they were both playing saboteur) and the reaction is different. This line made me see many different people and made me feel even more hopeless in the way people are in Singapore. Is it the way we are brought up generally or it is simply up to the individuals?

oh, and resolutions (not that I keep them year after year)

This year, I would want to learn how to drive, blog regularly and lose some weight. That's all. Simple I hope.

I used to blog very often ( I think) with an average of 100 post per year (about 1 post every 3 days... What can be so fun that you can blog once 3 days?). Then i enlisted, and got too tired to do so. Now, I am still tired, but at least I got my lappy here with me. 

This is slowly eating into me. The cafe and all that I am doing is. As it goes on, I feel that I am not moving on, not learning anything, not contributing and not growing. i feel so stuck in here and really dunno where I am heading in life (not that I know in the first place). The 6 months here feels wasted. Day after day, I think of leaving this place, but moments after moments, I don't feel like moving on.  This place is fun and the people are nice. But there are people who are not and there are people who just best stay as friends. I am losing touch with many people around me because of this place and with the things happening, I am losing myself.

I want my life to have many funny things to say and do. I want my life to be an impact, but somehow somewhere in some way, I am not. Looking back, the 24 years of existence had brought nothing much but trouble and pain to many people.

I am babbling. I need sleep. When a man is tired and not sleeping, he will tend to get emotional and not make sense. 

I want an Apple also. Iphone, Macbook.