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i dunno why... i'm feeling very lost suddenly... so let's just hope this entry will help me trace my feelings, thoughts and emotions to find out why... gonna babble on... been reading some blogs that i had not have time to read... Dallas, Dom (it's gone), Andrew, Nicky&Chris (it's gone), issac&lenny, tim and sher (it's gone)... i suddenly feel so out of touch with everybody in my life... people who matters to me no longer find me there... and myself... i no longer prove to be a reliable shoulder to lean on... to think in the past... i have lotsa people to talk to... to care about and now... i no longer feel justified to ask them "how are you?" or "how are things going" coz i'm never there for them... the past 3 months had proved to be a great failure... i took up a full time job, failed terribly in being in charge... lost contact with many friends and just shown everyone how much of a failure i m... Thomas was talkin to me on the phone and i told him (jokinly): "i dun care... i wan u to be free on the 10th of jan" and he was like "u wan me to be free i have to be... but u no need to" and it struck me... even he who matters most to me, i was not there for him... wad's more the other frenz who used to share so intimately with me... i have failed them... i guess one of the things i care the most is how others see me... when i m no longer one whom they can see as a fren... but as an acquaintance... it affects me... then i work hard in trying to build it up again... only to lose it again coz of many other reasons... and soon i realise that many of them never became frens... just closer acquaintance... many times i told myself... if they dun call you on their initiative... why bother... then i discovered it does bother... and i will always wanna get closer... just to find out tt well... i m not really tt important to many... and it hurts to only find out of things when i read it off somewhere... or when someone tell me... and when i ask... i can never find out... i failed... 21 years of my life... i dun think i did succeed in anything... master of none... many pple would gloat... i knew he would go into this... he is always like tt one lah... last time when we were still frenz he is better... now without me... he is like tt... aiyah... he is like tt since when we are first frens... aiyah... he is destined to be frenless... his personality suck... tt's why... well... thanks for pushing me deeper into agony... and i hope u feel better knowing tt i m going thru some inner turmoil... but if u actually think tt way... then u r not really a good person to begin with... and dun say u pity me... it is just an excuse to hide you gloating and make urself look good... i do give thanks for some pple in my life... and as the year concludes... i would really wanna thank them: Ally... thanks for always being there... for never blaming me when i forgot totally about ur birthday... for not askin me to explain coz u know me well enough not to misunderstand me... thanks for all the laughter u bring me... for being tt support and listening ear despite all i've done to you... Douggy... thanks for being tt understanding fren u've always been... i forgotten about ur birthday too... and you too understood (yes, i'm still bitter abt it) you may nt really understand why i'm feeling tis way but u gave me the benefit of the doubt and trusted me... u tried to sympathise and 've been advising me alot in moments of needs... thanks for being a pillar... Dom... thanks for the little actions tt made me feel appreciated... for everything tt made me feel a little more important than how i would otherwise feel... thanks for the smile, the sms with initiative... thanks for making my day... Tim... thanks for remembering everything... for the little cheers tt push me forth... for all you've done for me... it may seem like nothing to you... but it is like everything to me... Chong Jie... thanks for being someone who made me feel like who i used to feel... a fren who can be there... u have no idea how valuable tis feelin is... i guess i'm a sucker at this... i do need pple's recognition... and pple to babble at me and ask me how and wad to do... i m still bitter over wad happened in may-june which turned my whole world around... i'm still affected by the happenings... i guess i've never really moved on... u may feel betrayed by me... but look from my point... so do i feel betrayed by you... and this whole incident caused a major shift in my circle of frenz... alot of pple have shifted themselves out of the circle... and tt shook me a lot... it is takin me a very long time to move along and truth be told... i may not be talkin abt it... i may not seem tt it matters... but it still does... i guess the reason why i'm not moving on is how much pain this had gave me which made me feel tt things can no longer be the same... and tt i can no longer put myself in the position to interact wif u in the same basis like before... u may be able to do tt but let's face it... things were not made until that ugly as compared to mine... and this whole incident had made me lost my credibilty and my standing in a group of pple who really matters to me... so much so tt we are not really keepin in much contact... of coz other things come into play as well... but tis was the start... i can't help but to feel insignificant... yet tryin very hard to be boastful about myself... using nothingness to pretend tt i have everything in the future just to show off... my whole life is in a mess... i no longer know wad i wan and who i m... for crying out loud... i'm 21... i'm an adult... and i feel so much at lost... i dunno how to grow up... i dunno how to mature... i dunno anything anymore... i'm losing all sense... i'm losing myself... i just wanna run... but i dunno where i can run to... Kit Chen - Xuan Yao In Solitude at 5:12 am 0 shared in solitude for those who dunno... 26th Dec is actually boxing day... a day to open up ur boxes of present (thus boxing... but why not unwrapping day... sounds funny... nvm...) an old english superstition... it is unlucky to open ur presents before the end of christmas, thus the day after christmas was designated to be the day u open all ur gifts... traditionally... pple will gather under the tree to unwrap their presents and share wif each other in the family how much they love the gift... tis is a very good family day, apart from thanksgiving, new year's day etc... anyways... celebrated chirstmas last year sleeping... i was like "Fuck... wasted Christmas like tt"... this year i was like "Fuck, i prefer the way i spent Christmas last year..." long story and kinda pissed by wad happened... and in particular... this group of (kinda obvious) ajs... i know u r uncomfortable at ur seat... but it was the best tt we could have offered... u came too early and the only tables available are reserved and specially for 6 pax and above... i dunno when u r leaving... and i cannot put other reservation on stake just to pacify u or just because u r regulars... there is no need to keep picking on my staff... my manager may be sorry and gave u vouchers... but u should really thank God i was not handling tt situation... i would have bitch back... u can go complain... i dun care... the way i handle the show was ok... coz only u have complains... the rest of the complains came becoz of my manager's intervention which ultimately pushed every single one of my staff up the wall... the staff tt u picked on was already gracious enough... anyways... apart from my manager and tt table... i enjoyed the crowd... my customers were understanding and did not make too much noise... and they enjoyed themselves... and i guess tt really matters at the end of the day... i miss baby... he wished me merry christmas but i did not... sorry~ i was going crazy ... everything only quiet down abt 3am... by the time we were done... it was abt 4+ almost 5... anyways... to all who matters to me (u know who u r) Have a Blessed Christmas and a Fruitful New Year... Sun Yan Zi - Yu Tian In Solitude at 2:19 am 0 shared in solitude i wonder why baby moved our blog to the new blogger surver... i dun wanna do the switch... which means now i can't update tt blog... sigh~ been slackin quite a lot at work lately... nt really doing much but to just run the place and gt the kids to do the dirty work (sinister laughter) i need new staff... wait... tt's nt wad tis is for... the year is coming to an end... my full time job is coming to an end... i'm switching to part time soon... my NS checkup is on 9th march 2007 1.30pm (tis will remind me... and baby ... please remind me too...) the date is so close to our first year... lookin back at the past 9 months tt we've been together... i slowly realise tt i can't really live without him on my mind... i rememeber the first time he decided to retreat... i was so much at a lost... the second time was worse... i was desperate... almost cried when i saw him after his second retreat... i miss him... i miss holding him in my arms... i miss having his arms ard me... i miss his lips on mine... i owe him sooo much... all the time tt i could have spent wif him but i did not... all the time tt i gave to my work and not to him... all those time when we fought and it was my fault... the new year is coming... and as the time for me to take stock approaches... i can only count my blessing to have found him... i never thought we would begin... i never thought we would be together... but as we progress... see where we are now... i love you =) anyways... all these aside... i can see the goosepimples already... i'll keep it to the minimum next time... (gee... u jealous freaks... =P) had lotsa fun lately... in the cafe working... and running it... coz now i m fully in charge of operations... i do scheduling... i run the cafe wif a collegue (he does events and floor management) i m in charge of the purchasing dept (scene = me see letter address to purchasing dept... me give to boss... boss give me back: u r the purchasing dept) went for corrinne's concert and was 'wow-ed' by it... i mean WOW~ her voice was angelic and beautiful and it kinda sound better than her recorded... guess it is the emotion and the energy she gets from her audience... met a new guy daniel brought... avin... very nice guy... haha... friendly and cute (sorry baby...) and guess who i brought... jeremy~ hahaha... it was fun having him around... gt addicted to playing WoW (World of Warcraft if u dunno... dumb...=P) and gt a new account... haha... who play WoW also... i now level 11 dark elf hunter... oh... i've been reading issac aand lenny's blog... haha... funny~ we are diff... he can't touch robin and leon (nt tt he wans to touch it) and macy is his... i'll visit her once in a while... while caleb the camel (he's new) is mine... muahahahahahaha... oh nt to forget... ryan... the keeper of my keys... he is lookin at me now *waves at ryan* well... i lost my mood to blog suddenly... i wonder why... geee... i guess i have to start blogging regularly before i totally lose it... anyway... new song on my blog... Angel in Disguise I woke up this morning feeling kind of blue and i stumbled out of bed and dragged my feet across the room Right outside my front door was a rose and a note that said 'Somebody loves you' But out on the street it starts to pour and before i get soaking wet, A total stranger runs to give me the jacket off his back I turn around to thank him But he waves me with a smile I can hardly believe my eyes He puts on a halo and starts to fly Take a look at the ordinary Don't need to look at paradise You could be next to an angel in disguise I met a good friend for lunch and we had a delicious meal But i forgot to bring my wallet I felt like an imbecile But she was sweet, she gave me a treat and Bought me a chicken sandwich To take home for tea But out of the street with nothing to eat A man and his shopping cart go Travelling to places Collecting social graces I give him my sandwich and we chatter for a while I see a rainbow wash over his eyes He gives me his halo and I start to fly Take a look at the ordinary Don't need to look for paradise You could be next to an angel in disguise Don't try to hide away from me I know you're by my side Take a look at the ordinary Don't need to look for Paradise You could be next to an angel in disguise Everyday can be legendary Every minute, an endless surprise You could be next to an angel in disguise I woke up this morning Feeling kind of new. Corrinne May - Angel in Disguise In Solitude at 5:07 am 0 shared in solitude work is wearing me off and i told my manager i wanna switch part time and tt is when he dropped the bombshell on me: i m expected to go for the inter-branch meeting... and the other manager was: she: did he tell u tt u r going for the meeting? me: ya... can i say no? she:(jumps in) i'll pick u up at 9.45am ok? me: (gives up) sure... really tired of the job... wanna step down man~ haha... been harpin on my job for so many entries... well the work is not bad... it is fun and stuff... just tired of the fact tt i have no life... i need a life... tt's all anyways... 10th dec is coming... it is gonna be my 9th month wif thomas... we have nt been celebrating the other months together... i wanna celebrate wif him... but i guess the job is gonna eat up all my free time as usual... i feel so bad towards many of my frenz and of coz thomas... i gt no time for them... my life is like this now: 1.wake up 2. wash up 3. rush out 4. work 5. count money 6. close 7. hang ard 8. go home 9. wash up 10. sleep wif the occasional disruption when either we hang out later or i crash at my collegue's place... zzzzzzz... not in a blogging mood chan't torment pple... will update soon i guess... tanya chua - yellow In Solitude at 4:04 am 0 shared in solitude | ||||||||||||