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I've fallen ill... flu... stuff nose... sore throat... and the best part... i lost my voice... then i could not find a replacement for my show... as such i prayed... and God made an opening by postponing it... God's mysterious ways... interesting... recently there are pple who are asking me to return to Hope... and i m contemplating... but well... i kinda decide tt i ain't really going back... i would most likely go to my grandma's church soon... and will go there once in a while to visit and sit in their service... just dunno wad kinda feelin it would be... things are no longer the same... i gonna quit my gelato job soon... i gt into real serious trouble... i kinda lost my voice on sunday so i did not go to work... i msg boss kinda last min coz it was sunday itself tt i decided tt i can't really go to work and he was real pissed... when i gt my sis to call him to tell him i can't work... all my sis said was "i'm Tim's sister" and he said "no need to come work" and he hanged the call... i reckon it is real bad so i decided tt i would quit anyway... since it is real tiring and i wanna start going to church on sundays... i kinda gt better in the evening and had dinner with Gerald... then he asked me to join him in clubbing and after a while i decided to say yes... since it is a new club i've never been to... attica... it is nice... but wad i like better than the club was its chill out bar downstairs... gonna drag a few frenz there to chill and chat one day then go up to club then down again to chill haha... saw andy there and his fren jason... nice guy... went for a couple of frenz chalet on saturday... kinda fun... esp. siok rou's chalet... met a few nice frenz and a junior... yong bi... my gaydar went off when i saw him... really think he is aj... will get to know him better to see if i can fish anything out... but other than tt... welll it was lotsa fun... counting down to my b'day... i dunno... i dun really look forward to it... i told gerald... it would be the last time i'm celebrating my b'day... after tis year... my b'day would be like any other day... if it is remembered ok... if not... i'm fine... i miss you thomas... i really do... will u see me soon? will u be there at the chalet? will u celebrate my birthday with me? will u hold me tight in the period i feel most vulnerable? thomas... i love you... i miss you... ayumi hamasaki - who... In Solitude at 12:17 am 1 shared in solitude Time goes by so slowly when u r not in a good mood... Time flies when u r enjoying it... Time speeds when u r desperately hoping for more time to get things done... Things are getting better... Dar msged me the other day... askin wad color i like and wad flowers i prefer... my grams is feeling better and it is no longer tt emotional draining to see her... things was bad... when i first visited her in the hospital i really wanna cry... the night before when she first fell and in tt pain... i could not stop crying... then seeing her in the hospital i tried to supress my tears... i called the first person in mind... he sound so distant... it hurts so much... thru the next few days it was pure pain... and the desperate attempt to hide tt pain... to let everyone know i'm fine... i've fallen ill now... the headache... the sore throat... the desire to sleep in coz of the weakness i'm feeling... yet it is also tis coulpe of days when things are improving... my drama lesson was ok... i made improvements according to Benny... i m beginning to release myself... a little at a time... not enough but a good start... my hyflux play was ok... i performed to the whole sch in east spring sec and altho i fell and it hurt... i was able to carry on the play wif more energy... it was a little better than before and there is room for improvement... but nvrtheless it is a good step ahead... my grams is able to talk wif more energy and not feel nauseous and weak all the time... altho it hurts to see her in pain when she tried to move... the cast seem to make it less painful for her... and she was able to nag at me... how i miss it altho i dun really like it... somethings however dun change... my brother for example... woke up late then called his officer to tell him tt he needs to take urgent leave coz grams is transferring from CGH to St Andrew's Com Hospital... i remember clearly the responsibility is mine... but since he wanna do it... fine he can... so i woke up a little later to settle the waiver application from the polyclinic... then went to the hospital... he was like "you have no idea how much work i've done for her" tt really pissed me off... 1. why call her cheebye and stuff when she is at home and not respect her and do work for her... why blame her for making u late when she ask u to eat lunch she already prepared 1 hr beforehand when it is u who refuse to seperate urself frm the computer... 2. it is suppose to be my job... i nvr force u to take it... why sound like it is my fault tt u r doing it... u woke up late and used grams as an excuse and now u r blaming me... i m suppose to do it not u ok... since u wanna do it... dun blame me for it... 3. so u have been doing things for her and i've not been... i have been running ard from marine cres to marine parade polyclinic and then to St Andrew's while u just went from CGH to St Andrew's which is simply seperated by a bridge... the sun at the time i was doing my moving ard was hot, glaring and the bus was so freaking hot... so wad u do is work and i'm doing nonsense? FUCK~ tanya chua - yellow In Solitude at 3:47 pm 0 shared in solitude Things are at a stand still for us now... and i dunno if things will improve or not... i dunno wad is wrong and he said he will tell me when the time is right... and all i can do is wait... and take tt break... since he wans a break, a breather... i will give him tt breather... It is late at night Who is it that is keeping you awake, counting you wounds Why leave the lights on before sleeping If you dun wanna say, i wun ask i guess it is a little too much... and i m being driven to the wall... i dunno why he can just tlke a break like tt... it is not always abt you... it is abt us... sometimes u just can't have things your way... wad abt me? have u ever spared a thought for me? If you love too deeply, you can't balance Troubled by love will only torture your soul Love when you have to, hate when you have to Save a little of yourself for yourself i m feeling a little vex and emotional because of tt... and i dunno how long i can last... the break may lead to a break up... but right now... i m waiting... i m gonna hold on till the last straw within me tt makes me give up and let go totally... Love may be a responsibility but you have to give completely Sometimes love is beautiful cause it is not forever As tiring love is, it is as painful If you love bravely, let go boldly Adding onto the thing was my grandma... she had a fall the other night and fractured her thigh bone (or smth) and she was like "i wanna die" "i'm useless" and stuff like tt... and i had an emotional breakdown... i just could not stop crying... so much so tt i had to stay home instead of going to the hospital with her... and the first person in my mind i wanna turn to is thomas... but well... he seem so distant now... i dun get it... where is the guy who will smile at the very sight of me... who gt so excited coz i paid him a visit while he worked? where is the guy who will msg me sweet nothings once in a while to make me feel important... who will make me feel unique and special? where is the guy who wanna share life with me... who wanna be part of my every moment? Ironically... it is gonna be my 21st birthday... the birthday which is the most significant... when u r finally declared an adult... the day when u are legally free from ur family and you can do wad u wan coz u r ur own responsibility... it is a big day... and the day tt u must feel real happy... but i dun... everything is going on downhill... i'm not ok... but just take it tt i'm fine ok? Sandy Lam - Shang Hen In Solitude at 3:02 am 0 shared in solitude i have nt cried for so long... the last time was on our 2nd month... it has been abt 2 weeks since we have nt spken to each other... i sent him 3 msgs... i guess it is too little... i wanna give him his break... but i dun wanna leave him alone... i dunno wad to do... the worrying... the longing... the missing... time is a great healer, yet also a great pain... as time goes by... wounds recover and longing deepens... hurt forgetton but pain replays... numbs the senses yet makes feelings more sensitive... time... oxymoronic... i've been doing a lot of work lately... CDAC, Settlers, School Eduplay and beginning to try to numb myself... yet... the longing makes it harder to leave him alone... all have been ok though... got some work completed but have not been feeling too well... the pain is eating into my very being... and it is worsen by the fact tt my b'day is coming... my 21sr b'day... and thinking back... i dun really have much frenz... how many would call me on their own initiative? Ally and Doug only... and Royston, Dominic and Bastian who would MSN me once in a while... no other fren would contact me if i dun contact them... why must it be me who takes the first step? why can't we share the responsibility? why is it always me who must go contact u if something happens (ok... tis is history... i shan't brig it up)... all i wan is frenz... frenz who would remember me once in a while and call me out for tea and a chat... is it too much to ask for? i'm nt even asking for anyone to be there in my lonliest times... just to call me and have a short chat... to perk my day... to tell me ur troubles, feelings and thoughts... and listen to me whine and joke... ignore me... i'm used to it anyway... gotten the list of schools for the play... Isaac: i'm going to FTPSS Sher: i'm going to compassvale watch out for me ok? speed - walking in the rain In Solitude at 2:38 am 0 shared in solitude | ||||||||||||