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There was this elderly women who knew this boy when she was young. Every action of this boy arracted her like bee to honey. It seems that there are neverending topics to talk about and neverending things to do whenever she is with this boy. Time is nothing when she is with him. She felt the happiest and most blessed whenever she is with this boy. But at that time, she already had a boyfriend of many years. That boyfriend is something that her mother got her into. She was happy with him before, and also thought of starting a family with him. But as days became months and months became years, she found out that he may not really be suitable for her. Moreover, he had been unfaithful towards her. However, her mother wants to merge the two families' business and begged her daughter to marry that guy. She thought of the boy, and her boyfriend. She felt troubled and painful. The feelings towards her boyfriend, is it love or just plain habit. To leave the boyfriend, she cannot bear to let him go. Afterall, being so long together, she is really used to having him by her side. She cannot imagine how life would be without him. But if she do not choose the boy, she feel... ... ... The next day, she told her mother she made up her mind and decided to marry her boyfriend. Her mother was happy, saying that her decision was good for her and that being in that rich family, she will always be happy and will not have to worry about her future and also being able to merge the families' business will only benefit her more. "Mum, i leave the preparation to you ok?" and left the room, not wanting to hear her mother go on about how she will benefit. On the day of her wedding, the boy was also there. As they look at each other, they were overwhelmed with feelings within. Yet no one made the first move to hold each other for one last time. Giving her a soft peck on her hand, he wished her all the best in her marriage. After which, he turned and without looking back, left the place. "Herrison", she only dare to call out that name in her heart a million times, but not once out loud let alone dare to run up to him and and ask him to take her away. HEr mother was right. She leaved life like any rich woman, never having to worry anything about life. After marriage, she also bore her husband a son and a daughter. Her relationship with her husband has also remained as the same habitual one. It may be simple and boring, yet she is contended with the simplicity. Shortly after the birth of her first grand daughter, her husband met with an accident overseas while on a business trip. Shortly afterwhich, her second and third grandchildren was borned and slowly she got used to her husband's non existance. "Harrison", she called out again. "Who is he" I asked grams. "Oh, Shirley, it's you. you are not sleeping?" Grams sounded soft and tired. She is old and the doctordid mention her health is deteoriating. " I can't sleep. You have been calling a name and i can't sleep. Who is he grandma?" i asked. That night, grams told me the whole story. " Grandma, given a choice, who would you choose now?" "Love and habit, which would you choose?" Grams asked me, patting me on the head. A fewdays later, grams was admitted to the hospital. One of the visit to her room, i saw a big group of hospital staff rushing around her room. And vaguely, i heard grams calling out for him again. "Harrison... Harrison...." There will alwys be someone in your life that you will hold on dearly to. Be hiding him in the back of your mind, you think that you would be able to ease the memories. But just before grams died, the person she remembered the best is... ... ... Grams used her life to bet on habit, but just before she leaves the face ot this earth, what she desires most was love. Visiting her on her death anniversary, the only thought that struck me the most was the question she asked me that very night. "Love and habit, which would you choose?" Choose the one you love or Love the one you choose... It is until you lose it that you cherish what you had. But having that something else may not be that bad a thing from another point of view. What is your choice today? Choosing the one you love needs wisdom. Loving the one you choose needs determination. Elva Hsiao - Ni Shi Wo Xin Zhong Yi Jue Jing Tan In Solitude at 5:31 am 0 shared in solitude i dunno wad's wrong with me... i m pissing pple... i m offending pple... i m walking down the path of destructioni m screwing up my life... i know i should not but i dunno how to stop myself from it... my life is in a mess... i wan someone to be there to guide me in this world where i m always lost... i guess i need someone to look after me more than someone for me to look after... although ya... it is shared burden and we look after each other... but it is more of me being held... who is there for me? i dun attract... and i guess no one will be interested in wasting time on me... i'm nt sensitive... i m nt attractive... i m a jinx and i dun deserve anyone to be by my side... i hate myself... In Solitude at 10:12 pm 0 shared in solitude m i not allowed to be in a bad mood? m i not allowed to be pissed off? m i not allowed to feel low and down? m i not allowed to be hard on my words? y must i always be the guy tt comforts? y must i be the guy tt always give in? y must i be the guy tt bears with other pple? y must i be the guy tt cannot have my own emotions? do i always have to put up wif things? do i always have to smile and let u rant? do i alwyas have to swallow my unhappiness? do i always have to listen and have no chance to release wad is inside of me? can't u just stop being the sun and revolve around me for once? can't u just be more sensitive and know me? can't u just be more gentle and be in my shoes for once? can't u just stop being harsh on me and try to be there for me? is it my job to stick by ur side and let u throw ur unhappiness on me? is it my job to entertain u and nvr be entertained no matter how much i desire? is it my job to just be who u wan me to be and ignore my innermost call for reprive? is it my job to cheer u up and forget abt how i really feel inside? i'm pissed... i'm upset... i've failed... i dun deserve it... dreams... the only escape i have... leave me alone... it is ok... i'm not important... i nvr m... -shunza hui jia- In Solitude at 5:16 am 0 shared in solitude met someone new online... someone whom i can link with emotionally... but... someone still matters to me... things kinda wun happen between us... and i kinda had let go... but seeing his msg or receiving his call still makes my heart miss a beat... tis new guy... well... he is one whom i can link with emotionally and he already call me dear on a few occasion... i admit i have positive feelings towards him but i dun wanna jump into things too quickly... i worry for him... i think of him and wonders if he is ok.. when he tells me he is in some kinda trouble i worry and think... but... i dunno... i dun wanna jump into things too quickly... neither do i wanna give him too much hope when at the end of the day i cannot bring him the love that he wans... i always end up disappointing pple and hurting pple... i wanna develop it further... i wanna love him... but i m afraid i can't give into him... and honestly... i m afraid tt he will turn up to be one tt demands too much from me... i always need some space for myself... tt is my nature... i m a guy of occasional solitude... i need space to breathe... which is why sometimes i really fear relationships... maybe i m not mature enough... maybe i m not in a position to love... maybe... feel so lonely and detached now... esp after he told me i made him cry... i feel... sigh~ i'm sorry... -ywjx tian kong- In Solitude at 3:13 am 0 shared in solitude My life has been flipped upside down ever since i recovered from the cough... after being unable to sleep at night while i m coughing... i finally recovered... but tt has taken a toil on me... coz now at night i cannot sleep... so end up sleeping very very early in the morning... like abt 3+ 4am then sleep... then wake up in the afternoon... then the whole day not hungry onli at night then hungry...this is bad... real bad... sometimes... in fact many times i feel dislocated... i mean i have frenz who are close... but they have frenz who are closer... and sometimes i feel left out... and many times i wanna be involved and part of it... and click with them... but... i cannot... it is me i guess... i just can't click with pple in grps... i guess i m nt really a grp person... i kinda suck in my interpersonal relationship to think of it... sigh~ bright side... ywjx finally gt their cd advertisement on tv... it is time... so happy when i saw it... now i'm wondering if ronald is buying for me... if he is not... then i m gonna buy myself... -ywjx xia tian de feng- In Solitude at 3:12 am 0 shared in solitude went to the hospital lately to see my grams... and i really miss her... i guess i was being too much of a jerk when she is at home tt now when she is not... i actually wished she was... wad freedom? wad no need to follow curfew... bullshit... without her around... i m stuck at home with the chores... my useless bro does nothing and my sis gt studies... i m free... so i m stuck to clean up the place and stuff... if not when she comes back she is gonna whine and scold... who else... me... always... met with aaron a couple of days back and honestly... i miss him... a lot... all the times we had together when we were still close and whne i held him dear as a younger brother and he holding me close as an older brother... then somewhere along the line... i had to spoil the relationship... like i always do with either potential good frenz or pple close to me... I hate myself... i really detest me... somehow i know there are so many things i should do and should not do... but i dun follow tt... sometimes i really feel i add misery to the lifes of the pple around me... take for example: tarot... yes... it has given pple rather accurate readings... but it has also given pple a negetive outlook... often... it will just weigh them down so so much... sometimes they might be better not knowing anything... and i wonder how accurate my readings are... judging form the fact tt there are pple who sit thru them telling me tt it is accurate then go tell someone else tt it is not... i mean... fark... if it is not accurate tell me... do i look like one who wun understand or take it personally and think u gt something against me and start cursing u with my cards (nt tt i know how)... hell no.... so please... for crying out loud... be honest... which leads me to another issue... (i side track a lot) why can't pple be honest wif me? m i really not trustworthy? why tell me lies and stories to hide things from me... why not tell me the truth... i can, for crying out loud, take wadeva comes my way... if u hate me... tell me... if u dun like me... tell me... if u dun trust me... tell me... instead of cooking stories... just tell me str8 in my face... i dun wanna tell u... i prefer tt... at least u r honest with me... which brings me to another thing...(told u i side track) how many pple actually consider me as close fren? fren? acquaintance? dislike me but maintain a smiling face becoz of the other pple ard them? i really dunno anymore... i really i know a few who really consider me frenz and would stand by me when they hear pple talk bad abt me? but how many will really do tt? and how many will just stand and do nothing? and how many will actually join in? i know those who really are my frenz... and i really thank you for standing by me all these while... and u know urself where u belong... so dun feel threaten or hurt by it... all these while till my birthday and a few days after and recently... with the time i had and the mood i'm in... i thought thru a lot of things... i kinda accepted the fact tt i m not mature enough and not ready for a relationship... i concluded tt i kinda suck in my interpersonal relationship... i decided tt i should lose some weight and seriously i will be starting on it soon... and i had finalise a decision that should had been finalised since so long ago... i found myself hurt in this thinking process then growing stronger... still in the hurt mode... but i m growing stronger... but this thought will always linger in my mind... my favorite statement... which is why i dun like waking up sometimes... dreams... my only escape from tis cruel world into a world where i m truly free... sometimes... i really dun wanna wake up... really... the pain and agony is sometimes too much to bear... really too much... Coco Lee - Bei Ai De Nu Ren In Solitude at 3:26 am 0 shared in solitude sounds like some children story... haha... I really feel like mother duck (this term is coined by my fren... long story...) I washed the clothes, hanged the clothes, washed the bathroom, cleaned the tables, cooked my own lunch... gonna cook my own dinner... wah... not to mention yesterday washed toilet, sweep and mop floor... who wanna marry me... i make a good wife ya know... hahahahaha but the main reason for title is here... last night i could not sleep... so i updated my blog (see previous...) then went to lie down on my bed... was coughing and really cannot sleep... then i hear the door close...(very hard to explain... not really close but like hit the door frame lightly, but not enough to close it...)i suppose it is the wind... so i did not pay much attention... then i heard the door close again... so i was wondering wad could make the door open... so i looked at the door (if u know the layout of my flat you would know the wind could not have made te door open...) then i saw it with my own eyes... the door opened very slowly... then very slowly it close... then open again... then close itself tight...(like someone just came into the room and close the door softly)and i heard the door close tight (like the normally u close door tt sound...) then i saw shadows on my wall... like someone is walking up and down my room... then i keep asking them to leave me alone... ask them to go away... then after a while... no more shadows... then i kinda doze off (but not really sleep coz of the cough) for a while then i got up wanna take the strepsils coz cannot tahan the cough... when i walk to the door... the door was just close... not shut... the door was ajar... spooky right... it is true story... i swear... it happened last night... when i walked out to get the strepsils and drink water i looked at the clock and it was about 5.20am... gee... wad a night... wad actually happened? was it just the wind? or was i dreaming? but my cough was real bad till my chest begin to hurt when i cough...i was wide awake... i know... dun tell me wad too tired and blah blah blah... i could not have been dreaming... S.H.E - Ai Wo De Zi Ge In Solitude at 6:51 pm 0 shared in solitude this post is long overdue... coz it is suppose to be one tt concludes my birthday celebration... ok... here is the whole kaboodle (dun ask wad tt is) Sunday: Met with Ally to celebrate Me and Xueling b'day... Ricko and Chong Jie was there too... had fun... Monday: Went to school then went home... no mood for church meeting Tuesday: Stayed at home Wednesday: Eve of my b'day... xue ling baby is born... haha... first msg came in today from Douggy... Thursday: set aside the actual day for my church pple to celebrate for me... end up i sit at coffee shop watch superstar while waiting for them to... pause for dramatic effect... go home... Friday: No mood... stayed at home Saturday: they forgot abt it... last min buy cake and say some affirming stuff then i chao liao... meet munz, jes and douggy for movie then prata douggy go home while we head to ECP for tarot session... most fun is while we slacking at the beach... we did MTV... very very funny... hahaha... then proceed to more tarot then i lost my voice and keep coughing... Sunday: flow over from saturday... after the whole thing wif munz and jes end it is 10... go home change and went out... reach at abt 12noon onli to kow tt all will be late... mel first then yvonne then the rest... thanks mel for the drink and present... go ktv but i CANNOT SING!!! stupid... so tt's the birthday celebration week... not like wad i expected it to be... but sweet enough... thanks a lot to Ally, Ricko, Chong Jie, Xueling, Douggy, Munz, Jes, Yvonne, Didi, Ray, Mel for celebrating it wif me... thanks so much... it may not be tt significant... but it means a lot to me... This whole week no go school... coz term test coming... so mon-wed class is revision... i really wanna go... but this cough... bad... very bad... throat inflamation tt lead to lost of voice... even now also evry 3 word only 2 words will come out... spoil my mood for birthday... cough like siao then cannot sleep... thanks bryan for concern... grams fell from chair and went to hospital... so stayed at home to do chores... sept the floor, mop the floor, washed the toilet and also sleep and use computer... coz i can now onli take naps... lie too long will wanna cough... today met wif yvonne, didi, bryan and ray for dinner after burning some disc... keep coughing dun wanna go in... think didi very angry.. sorry... but still went in... the waiter take wrong order... spent 6 for the noodles when all i wanna spend is 2... proceed to BK for tarot session... coz sunday suppose to give them but i cough like siao and TOTALLY no voice... i vaguely remember the readings... haha... guess will forget soon... all i can say is ray cards very good... there is something in bryan's card tt i did not say out... and yvonne cards worries me... coz after reading for so long... first time got cards give this kind of reading... anything must tell us... if u dun wanna tell me... at least tell ur boy... dun keep it within urself... and anytime u need me... call and i will try to be there... alot of things had happened in this few days between the 2 groups... and from my guess and analysis... the difference maynot be able to reconcile... and might not end up good.. poor yvonne stuck in the centre... plus so many problems she has to face... no wonder she think her life not good... but well i always believe tt wad u go thru has its reasons... everything tt cross ur path... so if u r reading this... jia you yvonne... u r a strong gal... i know things are hard but u r harder... u r stronger... i got faith tt after all these... u will emerge a stronger, better and more attractive yvonne... no matter wad comes... no matter wad others think or say... u must have the courage to be who u wanna be... be certain tt there will always be a group of frenz tt will always worry for u and be there... remember ur 'group1'... dun be afraid... for yourself... this song is dedicated to you... The Rose... Some say love, it is a river That drowns the tender reed Some say love, it is a razor That leaves your soul to bleed Some say love, it is a hunger An endless aching need I say love, it is a flower And you its only seed It's the heart afraid of breaking, That never learns to dance It's the dream afraid of waking, That never takes the chance It's the one, who won't be taken Who cannot seem to give And the soul afraid of dying, That never learns to live When the night has been too lonely And the road has been too long When you feel that love is only For the lucky and the strong Just remember in the winter Far beneath the bitter snow Lies the seed that with the sun's love In the spring becomes the rose Bette Midler - The Rose In Solitude at 3:09 am 0 shared in solitude 15 sms 11 MSN 4 celebration slots 0 presents tt's my birthday... In Solitude at 12:55 am 0 shared in solitude today pass by without much funfare... no celebration... no nothing... just a simple cake form my sis to mark the end of my b'day... no presents no nothing... gee... tt's so much for a special day... haha... In Solitude at 12:09 am 0 shared in solitude The day i kinda dread is finally here... today i turn 20... i awaken with this feeling that things are no longer the same... something has changed... 20 years ago... i made my first cry bringing smiles to the faces of many... thinking back... 20 years had pass... how many smiles have i brought? how many cries? i dunno... Somehow i feel foreign in this familiar land... after 20 years... i dunno how far in life i had moved forth and how much impact i had made in the lifes of the people around me... i feel that i had wasted 20 years of my life... this year's birthday arrived with a heavy heart... happy birthday? i dunno... to me... this day is just like any other day... just tt today just make me older... something is happening in my circle of frenz... something tt i dunno... m i really close to them? they are to me... words of appreciation to: Ally: thanks for being there... for tolerating my nonsense and for always being an elder sister to me... this means a lot to me... especially when my elder brother is never like one to me... Tim: thanks for once loving me... thanks for ur consistent concern to me... u r the first guy to msg me and the onli within tt hour... thanks for remembering... it means alot to me... Douggy: thanks for sharing your life wif me... u r the first in the whole grp of frenz tt msged me... it may not be one the actual date but i know... given the circumstances... tt's the best u gave... ur appreciation had impacted me a lot... i teared when i read tt msg... Ronald: i m sorry for never being there when u need me... but thanks for still calling me kor... maybe i m not worthy... i dunno... the rest whom i know: sitting down here on the chair staring into the screen... i just cannot think of names... not because u mean nothing to me... just tt the list is pretty long... Koon, Eric, Melvin, Bryan, Ash, Yvonne and many many more... (hey a lot to type... spare me ok?) i wanna thnank you for involving me in ur life... for remembering my exisitence... for knowing my name and who i m... i may not be a good fren coz i may not be there... but u had reach into my heart and believe me... i care... The first thing tt had happen on my birthday really pissed me off... it is my birthday for crying out loud... i m sorry if i had made it sound tt way... but i had never really regretted knowing pple... i may say things like tt in fits of anger... but hey... i even called frenz bitch saying tt i never really wanna tok to them... but i still did... and they are still my frenz... u can never do more harm then they did... but still i accepted them... wad makes u think i wun... wadeva... thanks for the gift... i m still upset... it may stay for a while... but well... u gt urself to blame coz my mood in this period of the year is always the lowest... give me some time to cool down... sigh~ i'm sick... my dad never remembers my birthday... 1 thing nice though... 31 August 2005 8.32am Xueling's baby is born... so fast har... Landy Wen Lan - Zhu Wo Shen Ri Kuai Le In Solitude at 4:31 pm 0 shared in solitude | ||||||||||||