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in school now... really tired of many things happening right now... many decisions thrown upon me... some i would love doing... others, just have to... and these are the ones that are making me tired of doing what i like doing... on my agenda: Drama Training Class Notes Opening Drama for Camp on 30 April Amazing Race Greenwave Project if u think it is not alot... let me tell u... it is enough to kill... really... things are toning down between me and him again... maybe becoz his dad saw me kinda hugging him when i slept over at his place and told him about it... u see... when he sleeps, he dunno what is happening... so i was like kinda holding his hand and hugging him on bed... i think his dad saw it... the door ain't close... if not... why is he not msging me like he use to... or calling me... or asking me out? sigh... i should have known... he is not like me... i'm tired... i wanna take a break...  Your inner soul is calling for help! You always seem so depressed, lonely, and feel like an outsider. You may have a cold, sad exterior, but in all reality you are hurt inside and bottling up all of your anger. Everyday you wonder why are you still here when there is nothing left? You use to once be a happy, loving soul, but it was damaged by 'them' and seems like it never can be fixed again. However, you have yet seemed to realize that there are people out there that deeply care for you. They secretly have a thing for you because they find you to be dark, mysterious, and full of secrets, not to mention being the prettiest person in the world! You like to enjoy your time by yourself expressing your feelings through forms of art, and enjoy nice quiet scenaries that just dazzle your mind with awe. Your bedroom is basically your sanctuary where you can hide out, hidden from those who gave you all of the pain. Try to loosen up and have some fun! Never start frowning because you never know who's falling in love with your smile :) What Is Your Inner Soul Trying To Say? brought to you by Quizilla  You are a Mermaid, who sits on a rock in the sea, looking and watching all humanity with curiosity in your eyes. You have a two-sided personality! On one hand, you revel in your freedom and often prefer to live in your own private dreams. On the other hand, humanity Also; you are probably quite You are quite the dreamer, needing Some of your You are the ultimate dreamer with You In Solitude at 12:23 pm 0 shared in solitude in leong's house... going for joseph b'day later... haha... well... been a long time since i had spent so much time with him... really missed it... but grams angry... *sulk* nvm... one step at a time... jukebox[guang liang tong hua] In Solitude at 1:51 pm 0 shared in solitude it is eating me up from within... many times i just wish time would just freeze there as it is... how nice it would be if things were to stand still where it is at the sweetest moment... i am hurt... badly from the moving of time... when pple i really treasure no longer value me... and i regret many actions i made... name just 2 out of the long list: 1) I really regretted my past... where i choose to satisfy my raging hormones... i feel like a whore now... seriously... 2) I regret breaking up with Melvin... lookin at his fridae pic, reading my handbook... and a card he written... i realise that i could not let him go... and that he still means a lot to me and i still love him... but well... it is the end... no use regretting... i made the choice... Listing the list of 10 pple whom i treasure a lot or have a special place in my heart apart from my family(not in order) 1.Aaron 2.Ally 3.Liang 4.Ronald 5.Douglas 6.Melvin 7.Tim 8.Munz 9.Ash 10.Qin but well how much do i mean to them... Aaron... how far have u drifted from me... how i wish time would freeze at the time when i knew the you that would call me and talk abt almost anything... Liang... how distant have we become suddenly... u no longer sit by my side like u use to... Melvin... how have i regretted... i suddenly rather we carry on... then let something break us up... not how it ended... Ronald... how i miss your smile and voice... browsing thru fridae and found many pple attached... is this my retibution? condamned to be alone coz of all the hurt i bring abt to pple... i dunno... i miss being with someone... Dun cry out loud... just keep it inside... learn how to hide your feelings... Fly high and proud... and if you should fall... remember you almost had it all... well at least i once had a love tt really mattered... at least i once had frenz whom i really can call dear... at least now i still have frenz.. altho we may not contact tt often... i know i mean a lot to them... how i wish time would just freeze when things are a lot simplier and less painful... i had forgotten how it feels to be free and happy like a child... the carefree life of chilhood... i dun wanna be all by myself... i miss the company of those from long ago... memories... tt's all tt's left now... jukebox[celine dion all by myself] In Solitude at 3:39 am 0 shared in solitude i can't help but feel left behind... lookin at how others have frenz, how they have bond so suddenly and stuff... i really can't help but feel ignored and insignificant... i know wad u (read: ally, tim, douglas and ronald) r gonna say... tt u are always here, tt u r my frenz etc etc tt u care and stuff... u know... i know all these... i know tt u will always be there for me and blah... but lookin at things this way: tim and ronald: u r attached... there are things more important... douglas: u r in the army... as much as u want to... how often can u be? ally: well.. only u i gt nth to say... but similiar in the case of douglas... u will find it hard to fully comprehend the stuff... but still tot he 4 of u... thanks so much for being there... now let me whine ok? been spending time at home these few days without stepping out of the house... gonna go out and jalan jalan tmr... but the key is not this... it is this past few days... i noticed tt there is no one i can ask out, no one to chat wif online and well... i gt no one to turn to... i saw my brother and his pri sch fren after so many years still strong in frenship... while me, having a good fren in pri sch but by sec 2 i m forgotten... i see how many pple have frenz to hang out and chat wif to wee hours of the night... but me? wanna find someone to chat wif also hard... sigh~ i feel miserable... lonely... depress... and low esteem... now why the title: 3 MAJOR things tt is brewing trouble... 1) My handphone has been suspended and my sis is not helping me at all... the number is her name... she ain't helping me... i ask she say 'forget' then let it off... miserable... help anyone? tmr going to M1 and beg them... 2) Service restructuring... gonna split form youth... and under uni leadership... things are gonna get so dead now... coz of the maturity of the uni and the child-likeness of the poly... 3) my grams finally asked me the golden question during causal dinner chat... do i like guys... shit... too much sgboy at nite when i think she is not watching... can't blame her... been on screen staring at guys in trunks or topless (hotbods and some ads mah) till she gets so suspicious... i dun wanna tell her the truth but i dunno how to carry on pushing it aside... tis spells trouble... jukebox[sarah brightman deliver me] In Solitude at 2:35 am 0 shared in solitude Yeah... exams are over for me... i decided to let the debarment go and not let it affect me... which leaves me free as of today till the next term... year 2 sem 1 OPPS (out of phase student) but nonetheless... freedom now... gonna resolute to do well from next sem onwards... hlp me pple!!! can't help but to feel tt there are pple who are ignoring me and also pple who no longer value me as much as they use to... not to mention involve me lke they use to... or reply my msn for tt matter... is it me being too sensitive or is there basis to wad i m feeling... btw... my phone totally suspended... no sms, calling nothing! contact me via msn or my home number... if u have it... jukebox[yuan wei jue xing dou yu] In Solitude at 12:01 am 0 shared in solitude
In Solitude at 3:02 am 0 shared in solitude i m beginning to not know who i m.. wad i wan and where i m going... i'm confused and lost suddenly... i wanna be attached... m i desperate now? i miss him, after spending the last 2 nites keeping him company... now tt i dun see him online... i feel... weird... tried my hand on story writing... the song on loop gave me the sudden feeling to write this... comments on the tag board ya? Expired I was at a gathering when I saw him. He knocked me off with his courtesy and well-mannered presentation of himself. Quiet and reserved, he seldom talked. Then alone he was, standing in a corner. I was new, and I stood at another corner, stealing glances at him while the group was playing some games. Finally, I picked up the courage and went up to him. I stood near, but we did not talk. Leon came up to me and seeing us standing so near, he introduced him to me. His name is Jeremy. He smiled and it immediately captured my heart. We stood beside each other, keeping quiet. He finally broke the ice. "Hi." "Hi" "Ummm. You new with us?" "Ya, Leon brought me here." "Oh" And silence set in again. After about 15 minutes of silence between us, I decided I should be leaving. "I gotta go." "OK. I see you around?" "Ummm, can I have your number? I mean we could keep in contact." "Sure. Wad's yours? I call you." And I gave him my number and left. Minutes later, I got a message from him. It reads, "Jeremy here. Nice meeting you." I smiled. And hope to that we would meet again. We did and we talked. I don't remember what we talked about or how it actually happened. But slowly, we became closer. And we started to share life deeper. I begin spending more time with him and really fell in love with him. Things got further and I begin spending time at his house. We would sit close together, share our food, and watch TV leaning against each other. When I slept over at his house, we would share the bed, tickling each other or just lying there and talk. I fell deeply in love with him One day, he called me. He had just broken up with his girlfriend. I went immediately to his place. When I went in, he saw me, came up and just hugged me and cried. Sitting down on his bed, I asked him what actually happened. He looked into my eyes and said, "I just can't love her." "It is ok. It really is. Come on. Cry it out. You will feel better." And I patted his back as he leaned on me and cried. Slowly, he softens down and looked up. Again into my eyes he said, "You know why? It is because I love you." And he turned his back facing me. "I know. You are going to despise me or something. But I really have to tell you." He stood up saying, "You should go. I'm sure you won't want to stay here with me. I..." Interrupting him was my hug from behind. "Joseph, nobody is going to despise you." Turning him around, I looked into his eyes and said, "I love you." And kissed him on his lips. Then, I woke up. This dream. So sweet. And I wonder if it would ever come true. How I wished it would. And true enough, one day he called. "I need you by my side." And I rushed over, feeling a sense of dejavu. When I went over I saw him, sitting on his bed in tears. "We broke up." He said. "What happened? Why did you break up with her?" "It's not her. It's a him. I know you won't despise me for this. Which is why I chose to tell you this." And into my arms he fell and cried. "It's ok." Patting him on the shoulder I comforted him, hoping that the dream, though a little distorted would still happen the way it did. But it did not. He fell asleep after all the crying. Holding him in my arms, I said, "I will never despise you because I love you." And I planted a kiss on his head. Patting him on his back, slowly I fell asleep too. I was awaken by his touched. He was caressing my hair. I looked up and he smiled. "I know you love me. I heard what you said. Now I know I’m not alone. But, we can only be friends. Good friends. I treated you like an elder brother. No more than that. I’m sorry. Give that love of yours to someone who is worthy. Promise?""Yeah. I promise." After this episode, we begin seeing less of each other. It is he actually, who called me less, replies at long intervals and meeting up less. And slowly, I drifted away from him as well. Slowly, I let him go. I don't know why he chose to do this. But I guess he has his reasons. It hurt badly and I fought this hard battle, vowing to forget this love for him. It took me a long time and I finally won. It no longer hurt that much thinking of him. I succeeded. And now, all that's left are memories. Memories from a love so deep. ***** I want to keep quiet, but there is too much thing to say. You got your freedom and I am left with the pain. Testing to see if there is any trances of me in your heart. The dreams from yesterday became the star-lilted night. Smiling, saying I'm not sad, but the tears cannot lie to anyone. Strong or cowardice, I'm no longer sure of myself. I began to know that I should try to forget you slowly. Seeing our love expiring with time. I begin to understand that there's no winning or losing in love. My deepest love for you had now expired with time. jukebox [yuan wei jue xing guo qi] In Solitude at 2:26 am 0 shared in solitude had a long talk wif eric last nite... somehow... it has been a long time since we last chatted and amazingly... we were able to talk... coz normally long time no talk can lead to impossiblt to talk... but fell asleep halfway... in the midst of the conversation... Pope John Paul II breathed his last and bid farewell to the world... ending his 26 year reign in the world's smallest country... woke up real early today (slept at abt 6+ 7am after a sms chat wif eric) at abt 9? dunno why was having a massive emotional breakdown... picked up my little white book ( a book tt i use to record emotions when i cannot go online or dun feel like posting something online... wanna read it? ask for permission) and wrote a short entry which i decided to type out here... I want all these to end... if only i had gone with her 14 years ago... I would choose to die with her then... then maybe... no i'm sure people's lifes will be less miserable & agony much lesser... i feel jinxed... i feel as if i'm a burden... Mum... i promise i will be good... will you come back? i hate you... why did you have to leave me here to go thru all these alone... you could have solved my agony and people's misfortune by bringing me along then... things would be much better... no one's life was made better because of my existance... only worse... mummy... i will be good... i promise... please come back... maybe if you have not go... things would be better... if only you are still around... i won't be naughty... really... i promise... went to mount vernom for qing ming... went to to sleep.. got up watched channel 5... nth much... rot but did not die... sigh~ jukebox [diana ross if we hold on together] In Solitude at 12:23 am 0 shared in solitude no it is not an april's fool joke... in a emotional state now... just finished a semester long Drama Appreciation module by the most wonderful Simone Khoo (if u r wondering... i dun think she will get to read it... so no... not trying to get her to give me more marks...) who had done a wonderful job helping a bunch of childish kids learn and apply drama and theatre... saw my production coming to pass... seeing it come alive... very gan dong... the cast was wonderful...minus the can can thingy... wad is wif them and tt dance... but wonderful job by my cast... Mag, Zhi Qing, Yanti, Filza, Ben, Shane, Shahid, Hidaya and the crew esp. faz and tong jue and kim and the always faithful sock cheng and eileen... the greatest appreciation to Alicia... who has done such a wonderful job not only managing my stage but also being the figure of authority in my absense... and of coz my constant latecoming... we all learnt somethng from the module, we left with many experience... i m sure chirstine's grp learnt wad it means to be brave in showing how u really feel, and also the wonders of how the grp can come together and produce something so beautiful... kudos to natasha and princeten for their beautiful performance and for forgetting their identity and bravely taking up the role of ralph and angela... i am sure that my cast learnt that acting is not onli abt urself... but others... eileen should have learnt tt it is ok to speak up sometimes... alicai how to be more administrative and allowpple to touch her is ok... and the crew learnt responsibility and tt all roles in theatre is imporatant... even though u dun get the limelight... i have learnt tt i dun belong to theatre... i dun belong to the limelight... i dun make a good director... i can't manage anything and i should stay away from it...maybe occasional acting but tt's all... we all learnt someting... and from here we will move on... i have let go of the directorship and i m sure hidaya and alicia who will be taking over will do a great job ahead of them... all the best for the show case... i will be acting of coz... i mean i have to do somehting or else Simone will KILL me... and this ain't an april fool's joke... this is for real... talkin abt april fool's day... today was unlike wad i expected... very quiet... too quiet... hmmm... only ronald's msg... which made me almost hurl vulgarities coz of the bad mood i was in... due to the drama stuff of coz... jukebox[yuan wei jue xing guo qi] In Solitude at 3:48 pm 0 shared in solitude | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
