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Less than 48 hours time i hit 20... as the clock ticks my mood gets worse... i dunno why... i keep tellin myself to be happy but but but... sigh~ i really felt i had failed... i mean... wad m i doing? someone get into trouble but never thought of calling me... is it becoz i cannot be trusted? seriously... i remember the time when BL needs help and the first guy he calls is me... even if he knows i m not free... coz he trust me and knows tt i will try to help... but as time goes by... he no longer calls me when he needs help... slowly we drifted apart... he lost his trust in me... coz i had betrayed tt trust... i cannot be there for him when he needs me... and thinking back into the last year tt had past... many times pple who needs help or run into trouble... they dun call me... they always find reasons to make me feel better... but face it... admit it... i was not the first person they think of... in fact... i may not even be in their list... i may be too sensitive... but why not look from my point of view... this is me... i cannot stand pple who dun trust me... i cannot face the fact tt pple dun involve me... it makes me feel foreign... makes me feel alien... u may think i m kicking a big fuss out of nothing... but u r not me... u dun understand how important this is to me... if u r important to me... i need u to make me feel tt way... it may not even need to be involved... informed is good enough... if i m not in a position to care... it shows i m not in any position at all... i wanna feel belonged... since young... i dun belong... i never did... in my pri sch class... in my sec sch... in my cca... in poly... i never feel belonged... i want to... i tried... but pple dun seem to understand me... and appreciate me... they can just turn their back on me so suddenly... i just dun understand... if i mean something to u... allow me to show some concern... i know u r feeling vexed and upset enough... i know u r not happy and u just wanna shut up and not think of it at all... but well... pacify me... just tell me wad happened... and when asked why... tell me the truth... if u dun wanna involve me... just tell me... i m selfish... i m sorry... i m sorry if my selfishness is hurting u... i will try to change... i will try to be less kaypo but well... i cannot promise u tt it would happened overnight... i m still the sensitive guy i had always been... do i expect too much? do i deserve all i have... i dunno... somehow it feels to me that i m too hypocritical... i m too demanding... i m too insensitive to pple's needs and to sensitive to my own... i guess it is just misfortune tt pple knows me... maybe they will have less to worry about if the dunno me... ignore me... The Observatory - This Sad Song In Solitude at 10:23 pm 0 shared in solitude Farker... Andrain u better watch out... bullying pple like tt... i tell u... i have no regards for my reputation when it comes to me being angry... dun let me find out wad really happened... if not... if it pissed me... u r gonna get hell from me... i feel like a failure... ronald and yvonne almost gt into trouble and i was not there by their side... and i m ronald's kor... wad kor m i if i cannot protect my did when something happened... to think of it... when pple need me... i m seldom there... i had failed... tremendously... who m i to deserve pple to care for me and stand by me when dun do it... In Solitude at 11:53 pm 0 shared in solitude my birthday celebration has begun... yesterday was day one... my jie ally and chong jie and ricko came together for a simple celebration for me and suat ling... haha... very fun... met ally and suat and ricko first for ktv... sore thaort still keep singing... haha... then after tt went to meet chong jie for steamboat... crap alot on the way there... coz suat anytime giving birth mah... felt the baby kick... first time leh... haha... quite a nice feeling... the idea of somehting inside tt is growing with u...  after that went to marina the beachy area and celebrate the birthday... nice cake rite? tiramisu being with her makes me feel tt i belong to the older generation... it is time i behave more maturely... i had been too childish and too demanding... too insensitive and too much like a child... i m 20 now... counting down 3 days time and my 19 years ends... been doing tarot for some time already... many pple tell me it is quite qccurate... but after surfing some blogs... i m beginning to wonder... who is tellin me the truth... is it really accurate? if it is not... but they keep tellin me... i might have the wrong impression... then complacency can cause me to deprove... hmmmm... i dunno... if it is not accurate... PLEASE tell me hor... who wanna try? the day draws near... i m fearing... i m lonely... i m tired... i m sick... bleah... wad kinda birthday is it? 18 was a big thing... coz it is the golden age... u pass it u gt freedom to some extend... 19 is ur last yr as a teen... now as 20 u step r no where... not a teen... not an adult... waiting for 21... where u r responsible for everything already... sigh... tis is gonna be a boring year... Celebration starts... but something is missing... something within is not right... Bette Midler - The Rose In Solitude at 10:24 pm 0 shared in solitude i m pretty jealous when i read on pple's blog abt how they and their stead or their frenz stead close... i mean i m sincerely happy for them... esp if they are aj... and if u r aj/bi in a relationship reading this... i sincerely wish u all the best in ur relationship... but... then it suddenly dawn upon me... the real meaning of solitude... i mean i posted it b4... but it just hit me not long ago... Quote: For me, the difference is solitude is something you WANT and feel comfortable with, a peaceful, relaxing and inspirational space, and loneliness is an UNWANTED experience of being on your own.I believe one of the greatest fears we have is the fear of loneliness, especially the loneliness that we feel when we are without a lover. This fear traps many of us into unfulfilling or destructive relationships, or leads us into pursuing the wrong person just to AVOID being on our own. copyright alison lotustarot.com i had fallen into the trap... Ronald is rite... why m i feeling so insecure... and many pple ard me keep telling me tt i had fallen into the trap of loneliness... so much so i end up scaring pple (actually now onli gt 1) who are just onli able to be my fren... if u r reading this... i m sorry... i admit... i do like u... but well... i dun wanna spoil the frenship in the process... gonna enjoy solitude... i dunno how... but i wanna enjoy it... and gonna find a way to... and stop being jealous and stop letting it affect me so tt i can focus on taking things slowly... Fann Wong - Gu Dan In Solitude at 1:32 am 0 shared in solitude as the day draws near, the feeling just become more and more intense... so much so tt i just lost all mood to even talk... and i wonder why i still go ahead planning my birthday celebration... i guess i just wanna hide tt miserable front... maybe i should just cancel everything and disappear on my birthday itself... there is nothing to look forward to... i gt pple i like but i guess i have nth to attract them... i mean... nt tt i have low esteem... tt's beside the pt... i really dunno how they feel towards me and i dun wanna push things too far or fast least they run away from me... already my circle of frenz in this circle is small... i dunw wanna worsen anything... i miss the feeling of being hugged... i miss loving... i miss being loved... have i been abandoned by cupid? has he forgotten abt me? Landy Wen Lan - Zhu Wo Shen Ri Kuai Le In Solitude at 1:51 am 0 shared in solitude Fark... after all the typing i type... the post did not get thru and there... i have to retype... shit... the day draws near... and i begin to wonder if anyone will remember me and respind to my invites... i mean there are pple who dun wanna come close to me... pple whom matter to me... of coz there are a few who do and i really appreciate it.. but there are many more whom stays far from me... to love me from afar... coz i m not lovable to them near by... and i wonder why... wad abt me tt keeps pple away from me... i guess it is time... i m hitting the 20th mark... it is time to stop being childish and lame and be mature and serious... it is time to be and adult and start being harsh then to be so lax abt myself and act like a child... it is time to control myself instead of doing wad i feel... i hate growing old.. i miss the time when mum is ard and be so carefree... wif mummy to look after me... i hate myself... more and more and more... i dun deserve anything i guess... another lonely year... but does it matter? In Solitude at 10:18 pm 0 shared in solitude i m worried for him... my didi ronald... coz he has been going thru a lot... talked to him on the phone and shared my fav cup analogy wif him i heard from a fren while we were conselling another fren... really worried for him... very yong child-like thinking he has sometimes regarding love... i already lost it... and dun think i can ever find it back again... the simple attitude towards love... been feeling very tired and no mood for anyhting lately... dunno why but just no mood... dun feel like waking up... coz dreams are the onli place where i can be free... been having a lot of dreams but cannot remember after a while awake... gonna keep a book by my side and when i wake up i write down the dreams liao... haha... but too lazy to carry out tt plan... Mel msg me and well glad tt he is ok... aaron talked to me the other day... glad all is well... Leong i think is angry wif me... feel tt pple are avoiding me... my 21 classmates dun really like me... desmond pissed off with me and keith and jolin/desomnd almost quarrelled... they emitted my whole part so i did nth for presentation... nt happy also... coz at the end desomnd like "then why you dun tok abt it" and i "coz i had no opportunity to coz u all just carried on" pissed... pissed... pissed... Sarah Brightman - Free In Solitude at 2:47 pm 0 shared in solitude first time in so long i cried... i miss so many pple... Melvin, Aaron, Leong to name a few... and for those who misunderstand... it is not my b'day yet... look at my counter on the right... 25 more days... but it is this period tt got me thinking abt the year tt has passed... the 20th year on the face of this earth... many tings had changed... and really... i feel kinda bad... i had caused so much misunderstanding... my impulse has caused me to lose a lot of valuable pple in my life... my foolishness has caused me to become a worse person... i hate myself... and i wan someone to love me... fool... In Solitude at 1:47 am 0 shared in solitude yes... i dread it...i fear it... i hate it... another lonely year of existance without anyone by my side... another year of ignorance from my dad... another year with no significance... wad's the use of birthdays anyway? remind me how old i m? already my body is failing... aching back and arms... bledding gums, falling sick all the time and wad not... and then the clock ticks and wah lah... it's my birthday... i dun get the excitment... crap... eek! my phone got all the scratches and dents... it is ugly... eek! eek! stef sun - silent all these years In Solitude at 11:01 am 0 shared in solitude this 2 weeks has been a very taxing one... 1 week of term test which i screw up and another week which was spent not a sa holiday as it is designated but in school doing the greenwave... went to submit it and saw NP's entries... WOW! we can get something happy liao... went for a retreat and gt sick... did not go sch today... but did not tell grams i not feeling well... coz i scared she say i fake sick and get mc... also... thruout this 2 weeks... i came to see tt many pple kinda not wanna keep in contact wif me... and i dun really have much fren... i lost all mood for things ard... and the giddiness and nauseousness is overwhelming me... i feel like puking... -maroon5 she will be loved- In Solitude at 7:33 pm 0 shared in solitude | ||||||||||||