maystar * designs |
After a long while of testing and experimenting (i shut my msn and music to focus on the problem) i finally fixed my tagboard and my comments page... yeah~
In Solitude at 1:40 am 0 shared in solitude today is new year's eve... today is the last day of 2005... today is the day i will conclude the year as a whole (the previous posting had onli a short summary of my year) 2005 has been an eventful year... this year had been one which stirs great emotions and thoughts in my heart... my studies took a turn... for the worse in this year till i totally lost my original class... i've seen people stabbing me in my back... i've had my hopes of making new frens broken by the class i was assigned to... yet in the same year i was assigned to another class which allows me to make new frenz who eventually became my mahjong frenz... haha... now everything is stablising with this group of frenz who is always there to encourage me... not to forget my original frenz from my original class... my results are kinda under control and the knowledge that i can try my best and have the class encouraging me really assures me... well if i fail again... i would have to bid poly good bye and head off to NS but i m kinda prepared... my personal life took another turn... i've seen close frenz turning their back at me coz of wad they think is my fault and not wanting to see things from my point of view... i've seen fren who drifted away from me... and yes i see all these as my fault... i've again and again pissed frenz off and then regret... knowing well tt if i dun do it... it wun happen at all... yet in the same time... i've seen other frenz draw closer and make an effort to wanna know me better... it is tough for them but they tried... and as things go by... i realise that i forgotten how to make frenz and how to mature a frenship... i've lost the touch and the childlikeness and i forgotten... i left my church due to personal reasons and left behind much pain... but wad hurts me the most is how they are reacting to it... first they ignore me... only those closer to me acknowledged me... the rest of the people ignored me... they treat me as if i dun exist... i mean i know u... how about a smile of acknowledgement... but no... then they start spreading rumours about me... i dunno if they are rumours or if that they seen me using the tarot cards then start spreading... or if they found out i'm aj and start spreading... but the fact tt they start spreading things about me is kinda painful... imagine tt someone know something about u and starts spreading it around... even if it is the truth... it hurts... why must something about me me made known to others by someone else... esp. if it is something i dun wanna share... it hurts to see the pple i once call family do tt... and it is not the first time pple say things about me... sigh~ this year has been a painful year... the lonliest year and the year which i really feel the most worthless... i made mistakes again and again and keep telling myself not to... but keep doing... i always thought i will push this a little further then stop... a little wun hurt right? NO... a little plus a little plus a little= alot... when u push things further like tt... it normally will get things out of hand... to think of it... reading thru the whole blog... all 152 post (plus this 153) are all negetive whining... i guess i m a very negetive and emotional person... and this place is where i just release all my bottled feelings... it hurts the emotional pain within... the fact tt i m always heard but do they listen... if i show attitude pple will turn and bark at me... blaming me.. why show attitude not happy is it... balck face etc etc etc... but when pple give me attitude... i can't bite back... coz it would be my fault all over again... i have lost my identity thruout these years... i m no longer the guy who stood firm by his belief and his stands but already become the fence sitter... so wad if i make resolutions seriously... i never keep them... one of the resolution i made is to stand firm by my own views and stands... but when pple challenge my views i will get angry but shut up... and let pple ride me... then bear wif it till i explode... i never keep my resolutions... i m a weakly... and yeah... if u, while reading this, think i m a loser... well u r probably right... i've lost total confidence... i've lost myself... i dunno who i m... i dunno wad i wan... i know there are some of u who reads this and ask... wad's wrong wif this guy... why is it he whines all the time and just dun stand up on his feet... the answer is tt i can't... i lost strength, i lost hope... i lost everything... i dun have a family tt supports me... my mum is dead and my dad never regard me as a family... my hope are dashed and all i have is a handful of frenz who will keep telling me it is ok.. it is alright... be strong... u have to change and u can... but how many understands how it feels? i know there are pple who are in worst situation then me but they became stronger and eventually outshines everyone... but i m sorry i m not like them... how things went since young till now... i've totally given up on myself... i've screwed up... sigh~ i like dreams... coz only in dreams can we be who we really wanna be... living in a world tt is entirely our own... it may not be reality... but it is the best excape i have... where the pangs of life is far away... my wish when i was 16 is tt i would die at the age of 18... when 18 came and went i wish i will die at the age of 21... 2006 is the year i turn 21... will my wish be fulfilled? ah sang - ji mo zai cang ge ps: please leave negetive comments aside and dun tag on my board... let me whine and cry one more time... just one more time... In Solitude at 12:27 am 0 shared in solitude Christmas is a time of thanksgiving and as i sat and considered how i wanna write this... i came to a painful conclusion... i reckon myself to be a rather sincere person and a fren who tries to be there for one as much as i can... as much as possible i avail myself and put in efforts to build up frenship... i see myself not as the best fren but as a preety good fren to those who consider me one... but... i just dun get it... why do so many pple dislike me and choose me as secondary back up plan... onli if i cannot get anyone then i come to u... i deserve better than that right? i survived my sec sch with onli a handful of frenz... when i step into TP i have the whole class disliking me and not wanting to tok to me except for 1 or 2 pple... when i step into SP i got the warth of my class rep and thus almost the whole class keeping their distance except for 3 gals whom i do project with... when i join 21 for lesson i got outcast and stabbed and now the whole class ignores me... wad did i do wrong? nevertheless there are people who had been there... and i really wanna take this season of thanks giving to really appreciate them verbally (or in words) Douglas: you had been there the most and even though things are different and we no longer share things like how we use to... i know tt u will still be there for me... u may not be here when i need u but i know u will be there... Ally: sometimes i really dunno wad i can do without u... u had been a great support and one tt i turn to when i need help... Jes: you had been open and sharing ur life with me... u have been there tolerating my nonsense... Tim: u seen my ups and downs... u heard my whining... yet u never turn away... Ashton: ur comfort and assurance had encouraged me alot... u r reading this but ur name is not mentioned: i am never really good with my memory but the fact that u r reading this and know me... it shows that u do care and u do bother... i may not remember ur name offhand now... but ur encouragements and affirmation i appreciate... this is also a good time to conclude my year... 2005 has been a year that i kinda straighten some thoughts... seen some things happen... felt pain and mourn... having pple close to me leave me just like tt... got accused but survived and learn to stand up for myself... the loneliest year but surviving it... knowing tt there are pple who are there... gave up hope on many things... learnt not to wait or expect... see tt if things come it is a bonus if not i m fine... i've learnt to numb myself... i somehow loathe this year, yet appreciate this year for maturing me in some ways and thoughts... come 1/1/2006 i will be posting my expectations and resolutions.. till then... merry christmas... and to all my frenz who consider me one... thanks for everything... really... celine dion - all by myself In Solitude at 1:51 am 0 shared in solitude this is the 150th post in this blog... 50 post in 7 months... is this bad? i guess i had pretty much learnt solitude in the past 7 months since my 100th post and 1 yr anniversary of the blog... i've learnt to survive the harsh conditions and to rely on myself... the loneliness maybe overwhelming... but i've numb myself to it... things would be much easier if i have frenz who can see me thru... and i do have a few: Ally, Jeslyn, Douglas, Tim... but how much can they help? the gals will never fully comprehand wad i go thru... douglas too... tim may but well he got a stead to worry about... things may seem alright from the surface but deep within m i really fine? even i myself have lost the answer... sometimes i feel things are not really as it seems... take for example: i don't see people more ready to open up about their sexuality even though people say that singapore has open up... people still look at us with prejudice and mockery... being the minority hurts... i may be a loser... but in moment like this... if u r someone close... u would have found away to express it in a gentler way... u may wanna spur me on a little but by the expression... it is better if u kill me... i'm lost... my thoughts, my feelings, myself... confused and lost... who would be willing to extend that hand to see me thru... really... i dun need a relationship... i dun need a stead... all i need is someone to be close... someone who can keep me company... someone who can hold me and spur me on gently... i need a soulmate... a fren who would be there no matter wad... -ywjx dou yu- In Solitude at 2:21 pm 0 shared in solitude in the blink of an eye... 2005 is coming to an end... 2006 is coming... suddenly i m amazed at how time flew... i m dazzled by the speed that things are going... and how much had gone by... i ain't concluding the year now... i will come 1st Jan 2006... but sitting here now... i wonder where did the year go... one moment i turned 16 and suddenly... i m 20 with 2005 ending... this is too scary to think of it... suddenly i broke 20 and moving towards 21... suddenly i will be accountable for my every action... suddenly i can be charged in court if i dun pay my bills... this 20 years i feel had been worthless... i had slacken my 20 years away... as i live my 21st year... i feel that if anyone to valuate my 20 years they will find it in deficit... i screw up my life... in sec sch i was in the second best class... then i screw up my o levels and cannot go to somewhere i wanna go... went to TP... i screw it up and almost got expelled... and now in SP... history is repeating itself... it has been 6 weeks and i had not attended a single ECT and CT lesson... term 3 is ending... and if i fail ECT 1 more time... i can get ready for NS... i suddenly hate myself (not tt i love myself to begin with) i was wondering... if my dad had given me away 14 years ago... will things be different? maybe... but wadeva it is... i hate myself now... the way twist and turned after my mum's death had made me a very depressed person... i had control over my life... but i screw it up... if i can go back to the past... how would i live tis life of mine? i have too many regrets... and honestly... no will to live... as i listen to the song on loop... part of the lyrics really reflect my life now... 昨日留下的梦化作美丽的星空 笑着说不难过但是眼泪骗不了我 是坚强还是懦弱早已模糊了我 the dreams from yesterday has become the star litted sky smiling saying that i m not sad but tears cannot lie to me m i strong or is it cowardice i my now confused my dreams are just dreams... they are not in any cpacity to come to pass anymore... i hate being poor... i hate being lazy... i hate being depress... i hate hating myself... i hate having low self esteem... i hate my life... i hate my situation... i hate not changing myself... i know i can... but... i just cannot find the strength to... i cannot find the strength to face myself... maybe it is a good thing tt i m single... maybe it is a good thing tt many who once befren me no longer call me a fren... maybe it is a good thing for them to drift away... i m a jerk... a worthless fool... someone who dun deserve anything... -ywjx guo qi- In Solitude at 1:15 am 0 shared in solitude | ||||||||||||