maystar * designs |
things are no longer the same... people are changing their views of me... i m force to face their views... i m force to be expose to dangers... i hate being so vulnerable... i m so afraid of growing up... the pangs are too much to bear... i wanna stay young... i'm tired... i m still me... i m still the tim tt u know... why have things taken such a drastic turn? is it my fault? i guess u r better off without me... seeing how u and the pple around u suffered... i guess it is only wise tt u ignore me... hopefully by staying away from me things will be less painful for u... the pple ard u had suffered, esp after knowing me... maybe it is good tt when u cannot think of anyone to call... u did not think of me as well... i onli bring ill fortune... i m sorry for all the unhappiness i brought u... u have better and closer frenz... i m insignificant... i m best to be left alone... i m sorry... tis is not sarcasm... tis is from my heart... i feel like i had let u down... i had disappointed u time and again... i m sorry... i m left alone in this circle with no one by my side... it is my problem... nt urs... if all of u can gt frenz... why can't i? it is abt me... something is wrong wif me... i guess tis is fate... i guess i m stuck... i chose the wrong name... now... there is no turning back... solitude... being alone... all by myself... -retreat- In Solitude at 12:44 am 0 shared in solitude I've done something i never done before... give readings to strangers... cute guys at ECP mac... hahahaha... was reading for jes and explainin the cards to her and why i give specific explanation tt may differ from the book etc when i caught the attention of a cute guy wearing a cap outside mac... he told his fren who openly stared at us... then jes signal them in for a reading which they did... came in and i gave readings to them... very nervous and said wrong things... but glad tt generally accurate... i give the accuracy, accordin to wad they say, abt 70% and well the cards did nt disappoint me... haha... hopefully will gt to meet them again... coz the cute guy in cap is very very familiar... either i know him... or he reminds me of someone... gonna pick up runes soon... then can use it together then maybe give a more accurate reading then offer this reading as a part time job... hahaha In Solitude at 11:14 pm 0 shared in solitude i feel rotten... i feel bad... i feel like i had disappointed everyone... i'm sorry... i guess i only know how to piss u all off and make u all unhappy... -retreat- In Solitude at 2:02 am 0 shared in solitude the sgboy forum chalet was a flop... i had failed badly... i guess i wun really be organising anything anymore... i can't organise anyway... things i organised never were successful... tried so many times failed so many times... i should have known better... but nevertheless... it was made good by dom, leonard, manfred, adrian and tim (nt me)... 11 Oct met Leonard and Dom at Pasir Ris, shopped for the stuff then checked in... spent the whole night mincing garlic, onion and ginger... was fun... after tt whgile they prepare the chicken i dropped by Jerome's chalet... it has been a long time since i seen Jerome... he has grown up alot... no puns... no hidden meaning... just met him and chat... 12 Oct Manfred and Adrian turned up for the bbq and adrian stayed over... went to the mazes and after tt i dun feel well... gee... and since then my mood had hit rock bottom... coz spiritually zapped and exhausted... 13 Oct quiet and uneventful... tim dropped by and paid 10 just to play monopoly... thanks for ur sacrificial giving... u r always like tt... haha... ronald and gang came but did not stay... and tt night i broke down... just feeling very low... and dom and leonard saw it... thanks for the hot chocolate... it comforted me alot... 14 oct check out and went home and sleep... the whole day was not feeling well... met jes after i recovered a little for ice cream.... haha... today suppose to be in church but 1. the decision takes effect today and 2. i m sick... so did not go... m feeling better now and nt tt bad really... thanks tim, jes, dom and leonard... evelyn tan - rang zi ji you kuai le In Solitude at 4:14 pm 0 shared in solitude everything is so dysfunctional now... my life is in a mess: i dunno where i m going or wad is happening now... i need my results to decide where i wanna go in the next sem... and i know the results suck so i have to face my aunt and my grams who will be trying to convince me to sign on... my finance is in a mess: i signed up for some financial saving plan for 40 SGD a month and overspent my hp bills and still gt a chalet to pay... my health is in a mess: i m fat and not healthy... i m weak and still nt execising and adding on to tt... i m sleeping late... my social life is in a mess: i m pissing pple off... i m making pple upset... i m acting 'dao' coz i shy sometimes esp when meeting pple i nt very close... my emotional life is in a mess: well actually this is better... just tt the decision tt i made will make me feel very sad abt having to leave some pple... my mental health is the only thing tt is not really messed up coz well... nth to be messed up wif... sigh~ bright side... decisions made had kinda perk me up a little... and i dunno... i kinda wanna look forward to stuff now... i guess i wanna mature... skye is right... we can be childish sometimes, esp when the time is right for it... but when it is not... we must be mature to face the things... we have to grow up... *smiles* it is time... i m turning 21 soon... pple ask me why i m nt changing my blogskin... well it is becoz i love this skin and i dun wanna spend time to find another skin and then edit it to fit my feelings and taste... maybe when i gt more time then i go and find... and give some freshness... but well tis is good... mature lookin yet in it a little of the childish persistant and a emotional touch to the whole thing which speaks of how i feel... in a world of confusion where i dunno where i belong, i need to breath... derrick hoh wei jian - piano In Solitude at 4:44 am 0 shared in solitude I never thought that it could happen. It feels like just off the movies. It feels just like a dream. I first met him at a community theatre play. He was playing a rather major role, I remember. Being a theatre lover and critic to a certain extend, I kind of enjoyed his performance as I can really see that he was good. Reading through the bio-data of the cast, I found out his name. Jason. 17. I wanted to get his number but well, I was shy and as always, I dare not. As I was on the invitation of the Artistic Director of the play, I also could not approach him. I was obligated to congratulate her on the success of her play. Whatever free time the cast and crew had was just enough for me to speak to one. On my way home, I decided that I wanted his number. It is either through the director for some reasons I have to cook up or maybe through a reply on a personnel ad. I decided on the latter first and if nothing happens from there, I will approach the director. A brief description of the event and his role was all I posted. I reckon that if he is the one he would know the details and need not my detailed posting. Also because it is my first time, I don’t really know what to post. Whatever, as long as the message gets across, I am contended. After the first three days of waiting and constant checking of my e-mailbox, I was not hoping much and honestly, if he did not reply, I guess I will not approach the director. There is not reason to and I will just treat it as an opportunity lost. Thus, I stopped my daily checking and reverted back to my weekly checks instead. One week later, I checked my mailbox and I saw 2 replies. The first was a reply to the original ad on the fourth day of posting. The second was sent the day before I opened my mailbox, asking if I had received the original mail and also a contact address and msn address for me to contact him. I added him onto my msn that very moment while sitting in my school computer lab. Surprisingly, he was online too. We started chatting and it really seemed like we had known each other for eons. My friend sitting opposite me was wondering why I was smiling like that. I can see it in her face but I couldn’t really care. I was too engrossed in the conversation and enjoying his company through the Internet. We met up that very day and had a great time over at his place. I don’t normally believe in love in first sight and always held on to the need to spend a while to know each other to see if we are really suitable. But this time, love has no reason and I fell blindly into it. He did too. We cuddled and held each other near. I can feel his feelings for me. After that day, we continued our daily conversations over the phone or Internet and we met up almost every other day. One day, I asked him, what if all these that had happened were just a dream, what would he do? “If it was just a dream, when I wake up, I will immediately log onto the personnel website and post an ad to look for you. Maybe I will post about the dream because I m certain if this is just a dream, we would be sharing it.” My thoughts are exactly the same. The funny thing is that no matter how hard I try to advance, I could feel that there is a hesitant from him. He just doesn’t want to come close. I can feel his feelings for me. I know he likes me. I know I love him. Why, then, was he keeping his distance? I soon found out why. I stumbled upon his diary he keeps on his computer while he was showering one day at his place and in a recent entry it reads: “All these feel like a dream. A dream too good to be true. Is he really the one for me? I love him. I really do. But what if this is just a dream? What if the very moment I agree to it, I lose him. What if the only way to keep him is just to be friends? I’ve been through many ups and downs. I’ve seen too many sad stories. I really want to keep him by my side. What if we are together and we break up? I will lose him. I guess the best way to ensure we are always together is to be friends. When two friends fall in love, they learn they are meant for each other. But when they stay out of it, it is because they want to keep each other forever.” I never knew his insecurity. Within three minutes, I penned this poem in his computer: You know I love you, I really do And I know you love me too Why then are you saying no To all my wishes to hold you close I want you here to hug and hold To love you with my heart and soul I tell you now my heart you heal And I know, you know how I feel I also know how you feel of me And I really long to set you free Give me a chance, that's all I ask Be the one that matters in my heart Please don’t leave me after all you've said You came in my life and my mind is set I want you and I’ll seek, I'll find Until the day I can call you mine Many things I want to say right now But really, I don’t know how To let you know how much you mean to me All I can say is, " I love you, be mine please He read it and cried. He held me tightly and finally whispered the three words I so desire to hear from him. “ I love you.” He finally accepted my love and we managed to advance. We know that the future lays many uneven paths but we know that with each other by our side, we will be able to overcome them hand in hand, turning our futures into memorable histories with each other in the story. That was 3 years ago and now, we are still writing our history with each other in our arms. We are still hopeful with our future and we know that friendship is not the only way to hold onto each other forever. All these were just like a dream. A dream that came true for the both of us. If this is a dream, I wish I would never wake up. ~*-*~ MIA from net so long... started with laziness... then net gt pron... then no mood... haha... wrote a story in tt time... wadcha think... quickie: thursday went JB and got myself shoes and belt... nice hanging out wif tim and skye... and lotsa cute guys... can consider jb for... heehehee... today my brother enlist so went to 'see him off' and wow... tekong quite nice... and lotsa cute guys... those enlisting and their bro or fren they brought along... who enlisting soon... can invite me along... since u can invite up to 5 pple... dai pei ni - wo yao de ai In Solitude at 11:46 pm 0 shared in solitude | ||||||||||||