solitude~a personal world of my own

Maybe

2011-09-12T02:36:00.001+08:00

Just maybe, with blogger in iPhone, I will blog more often. Just got twitter too. Now there is something to do on long trips.
Anyhows, happy belated birthday to me.

Random Orders

2010-12-11T01:12:00.003+08:00

I have not been on here for a long time already. Honestly, I really dunno how to carry on looking at my life and blogging here.

Many things happened that made me very tired of the life i am living generally.

Whining is already losing its therapeutic ability. I am questioning myself everyday. I am no longer making sense.

I dun understand how things has spiral out of control like this. I am finding it harder and harder to give myself space to enjoy my own company, solitude. In the midst of all these noise, I find myself feeling more and more lonely.

Anyhows, been reading my staff's blog (click to read). Kinda interesting to read how he process his thoughts and his point of views to many things. Out of the batch of staff I have, he has the most potential, and he is also one tt i find hard to read, either coz he is complex or I am really getting bad in doing what I use to do so well. Also, been listening to Tanya Chua's English song a lot. This particular song kinda spell out my feelings lately. Of course, not everything. I am still with him =)

Drunk on my sobriety
Driven by your insanity
Made to stumble in my formative years
Could've sworn it was my perversion

Care to spare me a minute?
Could I be alone for awhile
Fortunately you were out of my way
Could've sworn it was my possession

Until next time
Until next life

Never knew you'd hurt me
Now you crave for sincerity
Thought we'd be around for twenty long years
So it's just imagination

Was it bad now really?
When the sex has lost all it's charm
Who's to blame for putting up with the fight
So it's just to my elation

I'll wear my clothes right
I'll sleep on the other side
I'll say what's necessary
Until next time

All my entries sound depressing lately. It is bad, right?

Tanya Chua - Lost

1/4 Century Soon...

2010-08-05T17:21:00.003+08:00

Many times I tell myself I would blog about this and blog about that, but it never did come to pass. I have been neglecting my blog. I would like to blame everything around me, but as usual, I blame myself.

Virgo is such interesting creature. Nobody but themselves can blame them for something. The pride a Virgo has for herself is very high, but a Virgo is not really known for her high self esteem. And many things in my life right now, I blame myself.

Looking back at the past 25 years, I realise I have no accomplishments. I only have an O-level cert, worked as a Branch Manager for sucky pay and now an Executive with no colleagues coz the company is really small.

The only thing that seem to be in my favor is that I got a boyfriend who is always there to push me to perform. But as it goes on, it really feels that I am keeping him back from something better. What I can give dun seem to be what he wants and what he wants is what I struggle to keep up.

Adding on to that is a sucky family situation, almost evicted from my flat coz Dad did not pay the mortgage. Adding on to that is a sucky business I got myself into. So what if I am a boss of a cafe, the cafe is struggling to survive and the partners are not very useful.

1/4 of a century later, I seem to be on the same spot as I have been when I graduated from St Pat's so many years ago. Maybe a few more lousy years and stupid relationships and a boyfriend who I know really loves me. But nothing ever changed. It is a wonder why I am not suicidal. But then again, Virgoans are not suicidal type. They prefer to shut all the feelings within and kill themselves from inside.

Anyhow, with my birthday coming, it being 25 years, I wish for all who are attached to stay happily attached and for greater freedom for ajs to fully be themselves. Most importantly, I wish baby will be happy, no matter what happens to or with me.

Maybe... Just maybe, I will blog more often... starting from my birthday...

Petits chanteurs de Saint Marc - Les avions en papier

My life now...

2010-04-18T21:13:00.003+08:00

When everything seem to be failing you, is it your fault or is it the world's?

I have tried, I really am and I really did. But everything seem to be falling apart. All my effort to create a different place to work in have seemed to backfire in my face. People are taking me for granted and expecting me to do things that seem very inappropriate. Management is questioning me on my decisions and leaving me to settle so many things alone. Staff is leaving me due to petty issues. I'm left all alone here with more than ever responsibilities and no one to turn to.

I trust that God will make a way for me in this trying time. It is just that this way seem a little bleak at this moment. I feel so lost and so confused it is making me not want to come to work, yet with all this piling up, I have no choice but to come to work. Sleep is deprived, rest is deprived, time is deprived. Emotions are running wild but I have to maintain a strong front for everyone in order to ensure this place keeps running.

I am just a simple person with simple expectation. I am not a very greedy person and I don't think I have done anything to harm anyone. Not much I hope. But things seem to be failing me and eating me up. Nothing seem to be coming back to me. Sigh~

Do I believe in the greater good or should I change now?

Sarah Brightman - Eden

Lamentations 070310

2010-03-07T19:47:00.005+08:00

I'm surprise at how much I confuse myself lately. I have a lot of things running thru my mind but I have absolutely no idea what they are. They seem like fragments of something important but by themselves aren't important.

Many things happened lately in the 2 months I've nt been posting. As always, I tell myself I wanna post about it and when I finally got time, I had no mood. When the mood and idea came, I had no time. I am looking forward to a day when I have no obligations and just chill at TCC or Coffee Club to blog or write about something random, read a book, listen to some music while enjoying a cup of coffee or tea.

I'm a simple person and simple things can be considered a luxury for me. It is not hard to satisfy me, yet I am finding it getting harder and harder to satisfy myself.

Am I really that worthless? I like to think no, but many things happening around me is hitting my confidence and esteem.

I need to sleep. I need a reprieve. I need to be alone, away from everything. I need to breathe.

perspeactive

2010-01-17T01:34:00.003+08:00

was talking to v a couple of days back regarding some things that is happening in the cafe. one thing we talked about was how people always see what they do not get and fail to see the goodness that is also coming with it. Things are pretty balanced in life to a certain extend. A good paying job has its obligation. A low paying job like mine has its freedom. I've learnt more than at many other places where i've worked because of the liberty and power vested in me. the pay may suck, but well, i'm not a highly educated guy and in s'pore, this job is a very good stepping stone to propel me forward.

in relationships, the same can be said. many times we fail to see the goodness the other person is bring to you and you tend to blame him for things that you are not getting. But have you ever wondered what is going on with him? sometimes, there are more than that and you really have to cut him some slack and just go easy with some stuff.

at work, the pay may not be good, but where else can u find bosses and managers like a friend and allow u to make really stupid mistakes? where else do u find the manager washing the dishes for you, or sweeping and mopping instead of asking you? where can u find a cafe that allows you to sit down and chat on shift, or to play board games on shift?

As the chinese saying goes, you get some you lose some. sometimes, look at things from a different angle and you will see things you previously can't see. Let it go.

it was nice talking to v. i learnt alot about the staff and wad they are thinking. i heard wad she think about our current stand and status and some ideas to improve it. Another person that i spoke with lately was SPL's eric. he is really insightful also and knows alot too. I've learnt alot from the short 1 hour talk with him. i'm slowly losing track of time being half a century old and stuff. my hearing also got prob and i'm getting back aches and bad sleep. i feel that i'm falling apart and i'm only 25.... omg~

jaci velasquez - imagine me without you

Prep Talk

2010-01-14T02:18:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder, what do I really wanna do in life. I'm freaking 25 years old now and I really have no directions and aim in life. I've seen people my age looking better than me, having better pay than me, having a car and stuff and here I am stuck in the cafe as the lowest paid manager ever in history looking old, fat and ugly with no car.

Yes, you can say," Why lament? Just go exercise and lose weight." Well, i am not that determined and I do not really have that much free time on hand, really. Just came back from a meeting with the Franchisors and showered. Where to find time to go jogging.

I was telling a staff that gays normally fall into 3 categories: rich, fit or good looking and I realised that I am neither. Of course not all ajs are like that but generally speaking. So, have I failed?

Someone did ask me before, are you proud to be aj? My answer? I am proud to be myself. Well, there are just too many obligations in this small circle and sometimes I really wanna make it big in the circle. But the circle is too tiring. Sometimes I really wanna crawl back into the closet and play monopoly with Azlan and the White Witch. But do I regret being aj? Well, I am who I am and I am proud to be me. There is no regrets cause this is who I was, I am and I will be. I may lament about some stuff but I am still proud to be me. I may have failed in some aspects of my life, but I am still proud to be me.

Just going through some prep talk for myself to boost some morale into myself. =)

nothing

Shouts~

2010-01-07T18:14:00.004+08:00

What I do not understand is why some people cannot be more accommodating. There are just some things that will never have response beyond, "oh ok"; "orh"; "ya" etc. And since it can get quite meaningless saying them, might as well not say them at all after a while. I'm not being 'snappy' but I'm already stressing myself with the many things piling up on me. I know you are disappointed for not getting the place that you want, but we can always fulfill your dreams in other ways. Some things cannot be spoken out, esp. with my staff and boss around me, and with me trying to rush a proposal for a meeting at 6.30pm (which is about now... eek!)

Confucius said: What you do not want, do not give unto others. If you don't want sarcasm , don't be sarcastic. If you do not want temper, don't show your temper to others. If you don't want something, don't give it to others.

I got to go. Sigh.

Music from Aisyah's mp3 player

Updates

2010-01-05T01:03:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if I am still in camp. NSF life is not that bad. Regular sleeping hours. Regular working hours. The pay may not be attractive but at least I don't need to pay for lunch and dinner if I don't have the money. Life is simpler also. We just need to follow instructions and do as the others say. The only thing is we have to sleep in camp and there is not much freedom.

Being in the working world now makes me realised that things are not as simple as it seems and people have different expectations. It may be a simple thing that needs to be done but different people got different approach and they may not see things from your perspective, even if you are doing it often enough to know better than him, just because they are in a different position, they will think they are better.

Sometimes I wonder if it will be easy on me to just give up or just face it and fight on. I don't want to keep running away but this is really tiring. And running away is easier. And the pay is not good. And and and and and... But I want to stay too. but but but but but... Sigh. The oxymoronic life I am living.

And to top it up, being aj makes it harder in the society we are in. People pick on you even more and you tend to keep more things to yourself. Things happen and it is harder to find someone to share.

Lamentations can only work this much. After awhile, it will only add onto the misery of the life you are trying to forget.

Anyhow,

New year was interesting. I spent the transitional moment counting down with a table of guests at the cafe after 2 false attempt coz their watch was too fast and stuff. After that, everything was back to as they were. Then the same table saw very unreasonable and none fun loving guests. It is a wonder why people think the way they do sometimes. Same day, same emotion, same game (they were both playing saboteur) and the reaction is different. This line made me see many different people and made me feel even more hopeless in the way people are in Singapore. Is it the way we are brought up generally or it is simply up to the individuals?

oh, and resolutions (not that I keep them year after year)

This year, I would want to learn how to drive, blog regularly and lose some weight. That's all. Simple I hope.

Fahrenheit - 一個人流浪

Resolutions

2010-01-03T09:21:00.002+08:00

One of my new year resolution is to revive my blog. And I am here making my first step. Why do that? Well, baby just bought me Julia and Julie (the book not movie) and after reading it (still am reading... not done yet) I wonder, will anyone follow me on my blog. Maybe if I start on the same thing it will work? But I cannot find any good cook book. So I decided to do the next thing she did, start blogging.

I used to blog very often ( I think) with an average of 100 post per year (about 1 post every 3 days... What can be so fun that you can blog once 3 days?). Then i enlisted, and got too tired to do so. Now, I am still tired, but at least I got my lappy here with me.

This is slowly eating into me. The cafe and all that I am doing is. As it goes on, I feel that I am not moving on, not learning anything, not contributing and not growing. i feel so stuck in here and really dunno where I am heading in life (not that I know in the first place). The 6 months here feels wasted. Day after day, I think of leaving this place, but moments after moments, I don't feel like moving on. This place is fun and the people are nice. But there are people who are not and there are people who just best stay as friends. I am losing touch with many people around me because of this place and with the things happening, I am losing myself.

I want my life to have many funny things to say and do. I want my life to be an impact, but somehow somewhere in some way, I am not. Looking back, the 24 years of existence had brought nothing much but trouble and pain to many people.

I am babbling. I need sleep. When a man is tired and not sleeping, he will tend to get emotional and not make sense.

I want an Apple also. Iphone, Macbook.

Mavis Fan - 主人

2009-03-27T23:43:00.002+08:00

i seriously cannot think of any other titles...

in abt 80 days (plus minus...) i'll be leaving the army... as much as i'm looking forward to it... i kinda miss it... haha... gone will be the days when we hang out everyday to chat abt stupid things and (emitted due to Official Secrets Act)... it has been fun...

anyways...

there are people in my life that i've never let go... and people in my life i can't seem to let go... but i guess i have to one day right?

i'm confused...

i'm lost...

i...

苦茶 - 黑糖玛奇朵

Once a month?

2009-02-28T19:23:00.001+08:00

it so appears that my entries are now once a month... i guess to ensure that every month is represented in the past entries links...

being unable to blog frequently has become a habit... now... i'm just very used to not blogging...

many times i tell myself.. i'm gonna blog abt this... i'm gonna blog abt tt... but i always seem to forget when i get back home.... anyone has any cures for this?

sleepy sleepy sleepy... gona go to sleep now... the only thinkg i can think abt lately is this...

good night everyone... and until next month...

tanya chua - drops of jupitar

a long time

2009-01-25T02:42:00.002+08:00

it has been a long time since i've blogged...

my brother cancelled the internet connection just like tt *snaps fingers* just becoz he is using it in office and feels he no longer needs it..

lotsa of thoughts have been translated to paper, lotsa of feelings gone unexpressed...

old year gone, new year came... seasons passed, time goes on...

i feel so old... so tired... so...

sigh

things are fine with me if u r wondering... things are mild in the army, my frenz are not seeing much of me but still remembers me... he is still in love with me... i'm still in love with him... we are still strongly together... so i guess 2008 has not really been a bad year...

looking forward to 2009 coz i ORD!!! and i'm free... then i can do things i wanna do (like sleep very late and work full time)...

anyways... i'll be back with more blog entries soon... i hope...

sarah brightman - only an ocean away

clueless

2008-11-21T21:07:00.003+08:00

november is coming to an end...

time flies... moses is clearing leave/off till ord...

soon and very soon, i'll be left to take up most of wad he has left behind...

these days, pple are comparing him and me... "u r becoming like moses" or "wah.. moses 2" and things like tt... it sounds so insulting (no offense moses) not becoz moses is not good, but becoz they make it sound like a bad thing...

and no... i'm not becoming like him... as much as possible i would wanna run away... as much as possible i dun wanna do things... coz it is really not worth it... as much as possible i wanna leave on time and dun care... but it is not easy esp. when pple needs to get some stuff done and the others dun care... should i do tt too?

been thinking a lot lately... as ORD draws near and 23 years is ending soon (though my b'day just pass not very long ago) i realise i really dunno wad i wan in life anymore... zh is right... m i just going to work in settlers for the rest of my life... wad is my backup plan?

i dunno anything anymore

i dunno myself anymore...

蔡健雅 - 失忆症

and so u know

2008-10-31T16:39:00.002+08:00

the little bird just flew into my window and told me that some of my specialists are reading my blog and found out tt i'm aj... then thru connections try to find out if i really declared...

well is it not obvious?

anyways... if u really wanna know... when u ord you can come ask me urself... i'll tell you...

and if u wan me to blow u... tell me... i will blow u...

kidding... i wun...

maybe i will... blow literally... haha

tanya - drops of jupitar

bugging issues

2008-10-17T23:37:00.002+08:00

so many days passed (or is it past... always confused...) since my last entry... so many things happened...

1. got my downpes cert liao... dated 020908 and got it mid october... kinda dumb...

2. over paid so SAF decided to cut my pay... left with 200 this month...

3. my dad got stroke...

4. wallaby... so my superiors not around...

and i'm kina tired everyday... i dunno why... just wanna sleep and sleep and sleep...

zzzzz

suddenly lost all mood to blog... someday soon i'll be back...

coco lee - zai jian yi mian

蔡健雅 - 失憶症

2008-10-12T02:41:00.000+08:00

after 2 weeks...

2008-09-12T00:33:00.004+08:00

so a new week has past... and in this week tt has past... something horrible happened...

half of my family is down with hand-foot-mouth disease... and i'm left with no home to return to coz they dun wan me to stay home in fear tt i would get it since i was still sick... spent the weekend at baby's place...

but well... enjoyed playing wow there... sleeping on a rather cooling and comfy leather sofa... but since i slept in the living room so been kinda tired...

and it ate into my time in camp tis week... with wrong things typed in published orders and stuff i got a little snappy at the pple ard me and simple things pissed me off easier than before...

as such... kinda pissed off lotsa pple...

adding on to the fact tt i've been spending nights in the office staring at the computer or at pple using the computer... while whining abt the fact tt there is onli 1 working keyboard in the office... i've been tired... really tired...

and it has onli been abt 2 weeks since i started as an clerk... one of the guys is right... like tt cannot take it liao... after moses leave how? i'm sorry for snapping at u after u said tt... though i know u probably wun ever read tis...

so... i'll try to tone down a little... wake up earlier and pray and hope i'm able to deliver wad's entrusted to me... sigh~

tanya chua - ashes

Happy 23rd Birthday to Me~

2008-09-03T14:37:00.006+08:00

and so... something tt took so long to come and over so quickly...

my birthday which is not today... it is on the 1st of September (for those who dunno)...

wanna thank those who remembered and sent me a msg to wish me a happy birthday...
wanna thank those who gave me gifts and cards..
wanna thank those who spent it with me...
wanna thank him, my baby raccoon...

this year's birthday is kinda miserable... coz i am sick so did not do anything much for it... just had dinner wif a few frenz... tt's all... and of coz have baby raccoon celebrating it with me...

the greatest thing i've done in the past year... was to face who i m... and to declare... haha

nth much to say actually... i mean there are lotsa stuff running in my mind but i guess there is nothing much to put onto the blog...

so... explore the past year's worth of entries and celebrate the year that has past with me... and after u r done... explore the many year's worth of memories and celebrate me with me haha...

enjoy the ride

end roll - hamasaki ayumi

lamentations again...

2008-08-31T17:55:00.003+08:00

tomorrow is my birthday... and on the eve on my birthday i discovered something...

my blog has been featured on hardwarezone.com.sg

apparently someone chance upon my blog (how i dunno) and found it interesting tt i've declared 302 and post it on the forums there... the moderator removed the thread and he opened another one asking why the mod removed it, without forgetting to repost the blog address...

Questions:
how did he chance upon my blog?
who is he?
why would he wanna post my blog add onto another forum?
wad is so interesting abt me declaring?
where else did he post my blog?
when is he going to realise tt it is not very nice to do so... and tt there are pple wif different preference and there is no need to announce it?

i'm fine wif pple reading my blog... i mean i've declared... i've decided tt i'm who i m and i dun really care wad u think of my orientation...

wad i'm more concern abt is:

WHY IS IT THAT WHO YOU ARE IS NEVER MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT YOU ARE?

you can be a very good friend... but when he finds out u r gay... he avoids u...
you can be a good staff... but u r not given a chance coz the boss thinks u r gay...
you can contribute... but just because u r gay... they decided u r useless...

is who i m more important or is wad i m really going to make tt much of a difference...

just like having something against pple who dislike durians just because u like durian... and totally ignore all his potential contributions... i know it is different... but how different? the root of the idea is the same... look at who they are and wad they can do... not what they are, they preference and liking...

we may like pple of the same gender... but like str8 guys... we know tt there are things we cannot force and PLEASE we have taste too... we dun devour everyting tt wears pants...

enough said... i dun care abt all the hate comments so feel free to post them if u r so childish and gt too much time to waste...

drops of jupitar - tanya chua

302: The finale

2008-08-30T09:50:00.003+08:00

the appointment was abt 2 weeks ago... but well... every weekend i'm very lazy to do any updates... and thus the admin lapse of almost 3 months no blogging...

anyways...
went tor the first appointment

the doctor asked rather typical questions similar to wad the MO asked... and now i reveal to you this: if you really decide to declare... be prepared for personnel questions being asked... and at no time say tt anyone knows abt your homosexuality (except for all ur aj frenz)... really... i told him by accident tt my sister MIGHT know... and he ended the whole interview process saying tt he wanna speak to my sister... arranged for another session 6 weeks later (which was the killer... i waited for a month onli to wait for another 6 wks...)
some things he asked was:
sex
bfs
cross dressing

and so... i waited for 6 weeks... doing office work while at it... things are ok... lotsa shit work to do in the office till the 2nd appointment

went for the second appointment wif ally...

told the doctor my sister is overseas so i brought a family fren along...

he was like "why do u bring a family fren... nobody brings family fren"

well i dun care... so he asked her a few questions... how she knows me and when she knew abt my sexuality... do ii cross dress... my bfs... did i tell her anything...
then he asked the golden question tt kinda pissed her off:
"anything u wanna tell me tt can prove tt he is homosexual (something along tt line)"
her reply:
"look... he came, declared, told you he has a boyfriend, goes to gay clubs... wad else? wad more do u need to know"
the doctor said ok... told her go out, gave me a form, ask me to sign... told me it will take abt 2 weeks for everything to be finalised...

so now i'm waiting for my confirm pes status (which is also confirming my 302 status) already got my official revocation order... clerk...

so tt's it... case close... now... wait for tmr... post abt...

MY BIRTHDAY (which is by the way... 1st september)

飛輪海 - 一個人流浪

whinings

2008-08-30T09:09:00.006+08:00

and so i decided to log onto my blog to see where i left off before this post...

June... till now... almost 3 months of no blogging... crap... army is killing me...

50 Hits... time frame aside... tis is probably the highest amt of hits after the couple blog wif my ex closed (it closed.... say abt 2 years ago =p)

and surprise surprise... pple actually post hate comments (ok only 2 but it is a start) on my tagbox... whee~

seriously... i'm excited coz pple actually read my blog... and then they go and read my frenster after tt... how i know... coz i logged onto frenster earlier on and was shock wif wad i see:

118 pple viewed my profile!?!?! so many... so i click ard to see who read it... most are str8 guys with girlfriends... advice to them... switch on annoymous viewing before u look ard profiles if u dun wan them to know u looked at theirs... they will go clickin back... esp. me...

and the hate comments i got are:
- ewww! another dickless guy
pple who are unidentified normally intro themselves first... so.. i'm sorry that u r dickless...
-chao gey
wad's gey?

well... they can continue to post... i dun care... =p
tagbox can be overwritten... comments can be deleted... their time can be wasted... i can be entertained...

anyhow...
jason: you too? haha... yeah... the wait can kill... but my wait's over... C2L9, ASA... keep me updated abt urs? can i add u in my bloglisting?
dallas: believe it or not... i actually miss u, roy and sher... i'm fine... just tired after so many things happening... and now im sick!!!
dunownme: i know... briefed by my OC already...
vijay: how to? i can't contact you... haha... i'm taken so... find another one... how abt jason (see above)
jason: kidding... sorry =X
vijay: there... i'm kidding... so u have to find another one... all the best =)
griffin: i sure hope so... he is kinda 'remembering' me now... bleah...
edmw: thanks
chris: i miss u too... i'm fine... yeah... in army now so very hard to se u online... how's u

so there we have it... an interlude... haha

保护色 - 終極一班原聲帶

father's day

2008-06-15T22:12:00.002+08:00

today is father's day and tmr is my paternal grandma b'day...

dad bought roasted duck... guess he is hoping for dinner wif us at home... sister went out wif boyfren. brother went out for dinner. stepmum brought half bro out for dinner. all that was left is my grams and me... so we ate and he told us how his fren got upset that his family did not have plans for father's day after he made plans for mother's day... i finish eating and left the table... leaving him and grams to continue talking...

sis came back shortly after dinner... brought a gift for my grandma asked me to chip in... told her i not keen =x bro came back and keep bugging me abt relative's number then calling practically everyone in the extended family so he can check wad flavour my grandma wans for her b'day cake...

it suddenly struck me...

my dad, who is in closer contact wif us is neglected while someone who we seldom interact wif is getting her b'day celebrated... ok fine given my dad's bad track record... wad abt my grams? she brought us up and no one ever celebrated her b'day... and my brother? he dun even remember my b'day (1st september if u r wondering... how can one forget... teacher's day!) or my sister's...

just felt that maybe he is trying too hard to impress...

lotsa feelings now... but i dunno how to express... i dunno wad to write and how to put it into words...

anyways... Happy Father's Day dad...

ayumi - moments

302 Part 3

2008-06-15T21:16:00.002+08:00

i dunno wad is the third part called in narnia and i'm too lazy to check it out... so let's just leave it ok?

anyways...

this is the third weekend after i declared 302...

this week i started working in the office so guess it is official that i'm out of the group. my officer got me replaced so i'm no longer in my platoon and everyone has been asking me why. i guess that is the bad thing about leaving. good thing i got reasons available...

news of me declaring may have leaked. moses said someone asked me if i declared. if it is true, then it is either of the 3 senior commanders. told u that 'something-in confidence' is total bullcrap. i wun be surprised if it really is leaked out. but moses said something that made sense. i m feminine and soft. now i suddenly out of fighting platoon into hq with no reasons wadsoeva. people will put 2 wif 2 and reason it out. just that i believe that somewhere along the line there must be a leakage. if not, why declaring? why not depression? why not injury?

but otherwise things are ok. people are treating me a little cooler than usual but well i'm no longer part of the fighting platoon and we are drifting apart. no longer have any topics common lest the past. so i'm not blaming them. and now i'm left wif the decision if i wanna stay. according to mosesm, if i decided not to then i would have to sound out in the interview.

the interview is set so long later. 300608. i'm dying from the emotions of uncertainty. first was the uncertainty outside the m.o. office about wad he is gonna ask me. then i got thru it. then came he certainty that it wun leak. then it did. now have to face the uncertainty of pes status so following the pattern, things should be good this time.

so i keep u all waiting. i guess i'll carry on part 4 after the interview at mmi...

all these apart...

kinda sad, the 2 guys died during training, resulting in a 3 days freeze of physical training in the saf. one was promoted to 2lt. but wad's the use? die liao. sigh~ wasted. bright future.

side track...

wad's with people singing song and posting on youtube? if u wanna post it on youtube, try to put it in a way that when i'm searching for the original singer, i wun find urs instead. gee... irritating...

ayumi - no way to say

302 Part 2

2008-06-06T18:24:00.004+08:00

maybe i can turn this into chronicles of narnia type... haha...

302: the queen...

and the previous one is
302: coming out of the wardrobe (as in closet...)

so anyways... the queen...

this week decided to approach my OC wif my status slip to at least prepare him... prepared an intensive script about depression so he wun suspect anything... so i handed the status to moses and got him to talk to oc to get him to interview me... but before moses can say anything... he flared up and called the medical officer...
the m.o. told him i declared 302... wadeva happened to medical-in-confidence? wadeva happened to doctor's ethics to keep it confidential? and so i learnt 'something-in confidence' is bullshit... my csm was there... so oc got him to interiew me and he was darn sarcastic...
"if u decide to be that kind of people... blah blah"
"if u wanna 'keng'... no saying tt u r... just saying if"
"so u chui ta lam pa song (direct translation:mouth say dick feel good)"
"so u be their frenz then tell them now 'look at me i'm different' (in a very feminine manner)"

so he interview was like a suan-ing session

then 2ic interviewed me...
he told me he would wanna keep me and dun wan me to go... he will try to but there are rules so i may not get to... but he was very nice and wished me all the best in wadeva is to come...

then oc interviewed me...
ask me to reconsider my decision but he will respect it... asked me if i wanna stay... if i do he will try to help me

and tt was wad happened...

so the whole ordeal is finally concluding... i've heard tt after the interview at MMI everything will be settled within 2 weeks... but waiting for the interview is the chore... during this time everything is on standstill in camp and i do hope tt things would improve for me... kinda tired after tis two weeks of stuff happening...
anyways.. will be internal posted to the office to help wif admin and await further instructions from oc till mmi review... meanwhile, no stay out but it dun really matter to me...

stef - wo bu nan guo

302

2008-05-31T19:25:00.002+08:00

i've declared 302...

there... i've said it... and i've done it!

so here's wad happened...

i walked into the medical centre and waited... the medic called me and took my stats: pulse rate=110, blood pressure=160/80, temperature=37.7... waited till very late (went in at 1.30pm saw doctor at 4.00pm) before i got to see the doctor... sat down and he ask me 'wad's ur problem?'

told him str8: i wanna declare my homosexuality...

and he asked me a series of questions ranging from having sex to boyfriends to hiv status to drugs and amongst other private stuff... then he told me i've to see a psychiatrist coz it is a normal protocol... and he gave me...

4 weeks light duties and excuse stay-in...

now... i'm waiting for the appointment...

tis decision took 3 weeks to finalise and 10 minutes to settle... i've taken the step out so now... wadeva comes my way... i guess i'll jus have to take it...

and right now... my brother is irritating my grams and me...

my grams was tellin him how we wun understand the old pple.. saying tt she is a old woman and feeling lotsa pain and stuff... then my brother decided to tell her abt the china girl who, over webcam, dissed the sichuan earthquake victim and emphasised on this: 'the girl said that the old woman trap in rumbles for 100+ hours and still survived... old woman just die... so old liao... should just go and die...' so insensitive... wonder why he decided to do tt... and now he is irritating my grams by doing stuff very very foolishly and when my grams scolded him he blamed my grams for not tellin him earlier and say he dunno... i mean he should just learn on himself... make a mistake apologise... dun blame my grams... stupid idiot...

back to 302...

so after tt i walked out and i almost cried... coz it is so traumatising... eek! but well i'm ok already... decided not to take up the excuse stay-in... at least not now... it is now my 'mian si jing pai'... passport to safety... and wadeva happens next... will update...

actually wad made me go wif courage is the actions of my CSM... so i must thank him... geez~

stef - against the light

Belated Blog Birthday Entry...

2008-05-31T18:23:00.004+08:00

after so long... i've finally got down to update... i actually missed a very important date!!!

my blog's birthday...

been thru a lot these days and made lotsa decision and taken lotsa actions... ended up recording my feelings on paper and neglecting the blog... but well... i'm back here again... hopefully i can be back more often...

since 2004 till now... it has been 4 years... my feelings had been like a roller coaster... i've been thru a lot and seen a lot... i've learnt alot and realise a lot of things i do not know... i've changed a lot and have been the same all at the same time...

in this 4 years... i've been back to school, dropped out of school... i've taken the highest authority only to fall to the lowest... i've been thru so many in these years that i realise how much i miss my childhood, being a young kid free from everything...

in this 4 years i've experience love to lose it again, then find another to lose and got another... it has been a year since i'm wif zh... relationship at home has taken a toil on me... wif a home not like a home... wif a habour tt i cannot dock... wif a shelter worse than in a storm...

is it me? am i thinking too much? do i wanna think so much? do i wanna put myself thru so much pain? maybe... maybe i'm sadistic... maybe i like to see myself suffer... tt is wad others think right? anyways... it is not tt important anymore i guess... i've decided and taken the most drastic decision i can make in tis 4 years... i've decided to declare my sexuality to SAF... and i've done so on the 29th of May 2008... and i guess wadeva happens from now on... i've to learn to live wif it...

well... for hose who are new here... feel free to explore the memories accumulated in 4 years... join me in the roller coaster ride as more years are added to this blog... and come back often... for i'll be recording the journey from declaration onwards... tt is if u wanna know... haha...

enjoy~

保護色 - 藍亦承(終極一班原聲帶)

lamentations of SAF

2008-04-14T16:35:00.004+08:00

my previous post was abt 2 months ago... crap... it has been so long... and i feel so robbed of my time and my essence...

someone once asked me if i really dun have the time to log online and read the forums... if i dun really have time to meet up wif my friends... i tell you... yes... i dun have the time...

now that i have a little time, allow me to update tis forsaken blog, hoping that it will serve its purpose of keepin people dear to me updated of wad's happening and that i'm alive... but also as a relief from everything that had happened thus far...

on leave from 7th to 14th and 15th after my appointment, i''m heading back to camp... after so long... i realised on thing...

i'm losing my intelligence, my common sense, my core... myself...
i can no longer express myself like how i use to... unable to think like in the past... unable to react and rationalised... i'm no longer the timothy that i once knew... all thanks to the singapore armed forces...

I'm not used to national service yet... never did and i guess never will... day after day i look forward to weekends... once weekend comes, i hope and pray that it will crawl as slow as possible, only to see it zoom pass me... bringing me back to where i started from, wishing and begging that the week will be over soon...

national service had brought so much negativity to my life... never had i felt so lost, so tired, so helpless, so weak, so dead... day after day, i think of methods to escape this hell i'm in... night after night i lie to myself, saying that all is alright... now... i give up... it is not me to be in here... but well... i have to, for reasons i cannot comprehend...

like why the sgts can be commanders in the SAF... how do they elect their leaders? brute strength and the ability to withstand people screaming at you, asking you to do unreasonable and totally uncomprehending things... only to give you the same 'privilege' to do unto others wad you've been thru... the 'listen-to-me-coz-i'm-ur-commander' mentality is essential if u wanna be a leader in the SAF... is that it? just becoz u fail ur IPPT u cannot be a sgt, a commander, a leader... wad is leadership? the ability to run 2.4km below 12:20min but unable to convince your men to defend the nation... the ability to pull 6 pull-ups but unable to mature your men for the country... the ability to run below 11 seconds for shuttle run but unable to help your men in times of need... the ability to do 40 sit-ups but unable to treat people like people... the ability to jump beyond 216cm but unable to think for the good of the big picture... that is SAF leadership...

and then to stop people from pointing all these out, they have a special unit who spends their time, in air-con rooms, online reading blogs, forums or anything online, then shut tt page down if it is offensive, slapping them with offences under official secrets act or some other act that protects their own good... while other people are dying under the crazy leadership of the SAF... i saw people turn from a joyful young man to a demoralised, depressed guy... i've seen people admitted to IMH becoz of the insane ways of the leadership... i've seen people deny their own true nature to avoid confrontations and problems with the leaders... like wad i told my sgt "not we wanna do until like that... is u all force us one"... when someone wanna point out something... all it takes is "they sgt leh..." and we dun dare to do anything... if we did... then "you all die... i make sure u all suffer..." wtf~

so the govt can't really blame us for not wanting to serve NS... i know the nation is small and if we dun defend ourselves no one will... but all we ask for is a system that works humanely... for leaders to be chosen on other aspects and not just getting silver or gold for ippt... and for many other things happening within the SAF...

and this is not the end... there are more... for another day, if i can find the time...

angela - bu tong

Diff between JC and poly

2008-02-16T20:06:00.002+08:00

and so all of u know the story of mr e chen and his very sex-citing collection of high profile actresses...

and this has been a topic of discussion from aunties in the market to commanders and men in my unit...

and the biggest difference between them (commanders) and us (men) is tt they are from JC and we are frm poly... and this is wad our conversation includes:
"wah she damn hairy sia"
"how n. sze able to take the hair man hahaha"
etc... and it became everybody else taking the pics wif him and then load of crap... after 5 mins of laughter... we move on to other funny things...

this is wad their conversation includes:

artistes' right to privacy
ethics and morals
judgement (one of them said: wad is the difference between a judge and a murderer... not much fundamentally...)
the death penalty (and pros and cons and other alternative)
the meaning of death
euthanasia
playing God
religion

and i gave up listening after abt 1 hour of tryin to listen and keep a wake (i kept dozing off)

they think too much for their own good...

tanya chua - dang ni li kai de shi hou

Lunar New Year 08

2008-02-06T22:58:00.000+08:00

it dun feel like lunar new year season...

reunion dinner was taken alone... no sitting together, no talking to each other on the dinner table... food was common fare, nothing fancy like last year... quarrelled with dad, grams and bro over something stupid (i was siding my sister and the elders, my bro)... nothing is nice on tv...

it has been a long time since i updated this and well nothing much had happened except for in camp, we've gotten our new platoon commanders and we've declared war (unofficially) on the sgts... we are now on cold war status...

to think of it... i'm 23 this year... i'm aging fast... time flew by me like tt...

sometimes i wonder... this 23 years of my life... wad significance is there?

i've nt really impacted anybody's life... pple tend to forget who i m after a while... i dun really have any frenz who are really long term... i'm always a B-list guy in pple's phone book who will not get much from them... always in their 'well-i-can't-find-anyone-so-i-call-u-lor' list...

i hate events like this... it makes me look back into my life, realise how useless i m and no matter how hard i try... i'm never good enough... makes me demoralised... and not tt i gt any perks from it... if i gt more money form the red packets i dun mind... but i dun...

sigh~

speed - walking in the rain

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2008-01-05T23:27:00.002+08:00

the old year has gone... the new year has come...

2007 has been a very tiring year... looking back... a lot of things happened and i've grew and matured alot...

Jan saw me taking over the cafe management fully and losing a relationship because of work... i've really been blessed because the staff has been very supportive of me while i'm in the helm... i had za and ter running around for me over the nitty gritty details while i focus on planning and running the cafe... i had a group of staff who focus on customer service and made our guests enjoy every second while in the cafe... i made a lot of friends who were customers... i restructured the kitchen system and successfully created a new way of running the internal... i've created many new portfolio to ensure my staff got all the recognition altho the pay sucked... i've made a family out of pple who dun see tt place permenant... i've became senior cafe executive - cafe operation management and to me... tt's the greatest success in the year...

Mar saw me handing over my authority to za as i prepare to step down from the helm za preparing to take my place... in this month i focused on training my staff to ensure that they keep to standards while the running is passed over to za... i started facilitating his planning of the running and ops... i started to push ter to ensure tt in my absence... he will be able to run the cafe... za has school so it would be easier if he is around to share the helm wif za...

May saw me getting attached to my baby raccoon... whoo~ i love u baby...

June saw me handing over everything fully to za and ter and being elevated to senior cafe executive - management consultant... i was conscripted and enlisted on 16th June...

Sept saw me ending my first year as an adult and turn 22... completed BMT and posted to new unit... met a group of great buddies and have a lot of fun while going thru mentally crazy training... completed my driving phrase training, section training, plt training, maintenance training and christmas came and went... and 2007 is over...

so... that's my year in a nutshell...

as mentioned... a lot of things has happened in this year... i've lost love, found it again... i lost confidence in myself onli to have the people around me strengthenin me again... i've made lotsa new friends and lost lotsa old ones... i've experience things i never thought i would experience (knowing i'll be enlisted dun count as knowing)... i've many regrets in this year but as time passes... it slowly slipped my mind... but i know i dun wanna live those regrets again... and i'm trying to change...

i've disappointed thomas and we broke up... i found zh... i've disappointed him time and again... we fought... we quarrelled... we cried... we almost did not make it... but yet we held onto each other... 8 months... and i guess the biggest blessing this year would be him... he made me look forward to tmr... he gave me strength... he gave me hope... he gave me a reason to smile... he gave me confidence... he gave me love... there are times when i m really irritated by somethings... he is irritated by me... but i guess tt is happiness... when you fight and quarrel and go thru so much but still feel very 幸福... i'm still trying hard to make u happy and i hope u had been in the year past...

thank you all who had created memories in this year... happy memories: thanks for helping to make my life better... for making me smile and laugh... sad memories: thanks for helping me mature and grow... for the tears that gave me reasons not to hurt myself again...

in 2008... all i wanna do is
1. lose at least 5 kg to 70kg
2. make him happy

baby... i love you...

everyone... happy new year~

Celest - 平凡幸福

MERRY CHRISTMAS~

2007-12-25T14:08:00.000+08:00

last update.. more than 2 weeks ago... eek~

anyways...

nt home now... at his place... to think of it... i've been spending more time here than at home... i had already forgotten how my pillow looks like...

Christmas is here~ which means one thing... new year is coming... 2007 is ending and 2008 is beginning... i'm turning 23... i'm gettin older... crap... where did the year go already?

so... looking back at my new year resolution, i realised, not of the first time, that nothing has been accomplisehed... i wanna lose weight and save money... i ended up gaining weight and spending even more money... so looking back at the year gone by... this year suck... but since it is christmas and supposed joyous day... i shall be merry and wait for 6 more days to new year's eve before i start lamenting on how my life sucked in 2007...

till then,

have a merry christmas and a happy new year while whining on new year's eve

alvin and the chipmunks - christmas song

trouble brewing

2007-12-07T02:07:00.000+08:00

i know u r gonna make noise abt this...

but still...

it's my fault... really... to think of it... i gave u so much insecurities... since day one when we met... to the day i started courting you... you worried about how my enlistment would affect the whole relationship but i kept giving u false hope tellling u i'll give u all my time...

when we were in the relationship... i keep disappointing you... keep short-changing you...

i made u angry... i was insensitive to u... i made u cry...

but...

i was on the end of unjustified tantrums as well... and every time u said u were sorry and u wun do it again... it keeps coming back to bite me in the ass... and to pacify u... sometimes i resort to taking all the blame which also is partly due to my inferior complex... but still... as it gets harder and harder to decipher you... i begin to fear telling you things to avoid u getting angry... to avoid any confrontations... to avoid any shit... and many times when tt happens... it ends up being swept under tha carpet to avoid it getting worse...

days become weeks become months... 7 months into this relationship... a hill has appeared underneath the carpet... and every time tis mine is touched, it blows up... more and more frequently it gets detonated... and we do more to avoid the mine, building up the hill under the carpet...

of coz habits set in as well and as we get use to each other in our own ways... we started having different expectations for each other thus creating more misunderstandings and miscommunication... i no longer know you... and you no longer know me...

will it be easy to clear all these up? i hope so... but i dunno...

will it be better tt we wrap things up now? i dunno... seems like it... but then again...

i need some time to think thru this...

and tis time... it is really my fault...

叶倩文 - 真心

Dream

2007-12-04T09:17:00.000+08:00

i must post about this...

know it is kinda dumb and disgusting to a few... but tis was my dream so shoos...

i was at this place where they do checks on your pee and i was peeing into one of their toilet bowls... then i pee-ed again... and again... and again... and again (i lost count)... then i left the place... ended up in some interchange or something... then i pee-ed again... and again... and again (i lost count)...

the whole dream i was pee-ing... weird dream...

tanya - goodbye & hello

senseless babble

2007-11-18T00:39:00.000+08:00

how long has passed since my last update...

kinda sad... to think i use to update more regularly... clocking abt 100 post per year... dun think i even hit half of wad i use to post...

well... driving phase was over... i now know how to drive a M113 which is kinda cool... but training is taking a toil on me... and my days are getting longer... my only motivation is calling baby at night and sleeping...

time really flies in tt aspect... we begin wif fears tt we wun last... tt we wun be able to see thru and now... half a year has passed... in this half year... he has been greatly disappointed by me... and i had greatly upset him many times... sometimes i do think tt i'm nt worthy of him... tt he should just let me go and go for someone else... someone who deserves him more...

sigh~

things has been fine though tiring... and no matter wad happens, he is always by my side... the course will end come mid jan and i'll be free...

but till then, i'll have to bear wif the stupid CQMS and a stupid pltmate...

until next time... when i will make more sense in wad i'm posting...

SHE - bu xiang zhang da

Sheesh~

2007-11-04T01:24:00.001+08:00

i remember telling myself i will not neglect the blog even when i'm in NS... only to prove myself wrong...

lying on my bed... tossing and turning... then got up... tired but can't sleep... dunno why... decided to come online and update myself and the pple ard me...

it has been fun __________ and __________ but ____________... so i can only ___________

(u see... the military is so sensitive... anything u say tt has any remote link to it... they can charge u under the Official Secret Act)

anyways... it has been real tiring... waking up early in the morning to prepare stores then go for training and then come back to camp to pack up... it doesn't help when ur superior is not willing to listen to u... even though u r 3 years older and might have a little more experience than him... so it ends up... he is screwing up everyhing and everybody else is cleaning up his mess so tt nobody will get into any serious trouble..

adding on to it... we have Xavier in our midst... who is he? allow me to refer u to X-men... Prof. X
he sits down there and dun do anything much... all he do is watch... see... look... and once the officers are ard... he starts to push us ard and snatch things to do... F*@#er

other than tt... my plt mates are fun and really helpful...

and

i'm missing my baby... so much... left ur present i made for u in camp... can hear from ur voice tt u r a little disappointed... i'm sorry...

ok... guess tt's abt it... gt block leave next week... maybe then i'll update more...

till then,

zzzzzzzz

sun yan zi - wo huai nian de

i'm sorry

2007-09-29T23:58:00.000+08:00

when u saw me play mahjong and get angry
when u were frantically trying to help me
when u were lamenting in tears after i told u my posting
when u were so quiet while playing game
when u stormed out of the cafe
when u just kept walking wifout looking back
when u sounded so cold
when u lost control and cried over the phone
when...
when...

i hated myself...
i'm useless...

i promised u i'll give u happiness...
i promised u i'll not make u cry...
i promised u yet...

is it better to let u feel the pain in one go and then u move on...
free
happy
stress-less

or

keep u wif me...
jinx
stressed
unhappy

i dun dare to promise u anything now...
i'll try my best...

i love u baby...
and i'll try my best...

to make you happy
not to make you cry

i'll try...

孙燕姿 - 我怀念的

Updates

2007-09-16T00:38:00.000+08:00

unable to update much ever since things got busy in NS and i struggled to keep myself attached to the world at large

missed major updates on my birhtday, pop and most importnatly my month-niversary

glad to have met baby... and really thankful tt he stood by me during this 3 mths...

thanks baby for always being there... for bearing with the fact tt i dun have much time for u... thanks for everything u've been

there may be some clashes, friction and all... but u had been by my side when i needed u... u had been a support and really... i see myself loving u more and more...

i love u...

anyways... i finally passed out as a pte... whee~ after tt had a chalet and met wif some old friends... now... i have abt 10 days of break...

the thing abt NS... makes my life boring... and me sleepy all the time...

PoP

2007-09-16T00:33:00.000+08:00

after 13 weeks in p. Tekong, ledang camp... the BMT phase of NS has ended... whee~

happy tt i no longer need to return to tt island... but kinda sad tt i will now be away from the closely-knitted buddies i've spent 3 mths wif..

learnt alot, seen a lot and had a lot of memories from this 3 mths...

let's hope we wun forget each other

"life is worth living only because of the memories it creates... you had made my life worth living even more"

fei lun hai - yi ge ren liu lang

HAPPY BIRTHDAY~

2007-09-15T23:37:00.000+08:00

my birthday came and went...

could not update coz i was either in camp... or on the day itself... i was busy trying to spend time in civilization...

almost could not book out... was recalled for situational test... but managed to convince 2LT Jasper to let me skip it... so can book out to celebrate my birthday...

celebrated it wif baby, ally and crowd at settlers katong... incurred the warth of a few customers which my staff brush them off wif "he is our manager" haha... so gt 'exclusive' use of the room... the staff working tt day joined in the celebrations... no pics sadly... coz i did not bring my camera phone out...

then had dinner wif baby, jes, douggy and munz... had fun crapping but wad was most rewarding tt night was a talk wif douggy... really missed the times when we discussed abt everything and anything... we talked abt NS, AWOL, child-likeness and childishness, memories and many others...

i made an agreement with myself last year after my 21st birthday celebration when i did a chalet that from 22nd birthday onwards, i wun have any special arrangements, no organising to ask pple out... if u wanna celebrate my birthday wif me u will ask me out... if nt, i also dun wanna ask u to... and i guess quality is definately better than quantity...

this year has been a memorable one... 1 year had passed just like tt... i had a failed relationship, gt into a new one in this one year... i gt promoted to the highest post in settlers and then break for ns... i had a lot of accomplishments and regrets... but if there was anything i learnt in this year... it would be...

I dun really wanna care wad other pple think of me already... i mean if it is really for my good... they will tell me (like douggy... my neverfailing mirror) and not talk behind my back... and i m who i m... i m a frivolous, flamboyant guy... i m tim... if there is anything u r not happy abt me... tell me str8... but repectfully pls... coz i'll respect u and trust u...

anyways... wanna thank those who remembered my birthday on 1st september...

thanks baby for the gifts

thanks ally and crowd for coming down to settlers

thanks jes, munz, douggy for spending dinner wif me

sun yan zi - wo huai nian

failed

2007-08-12T16:33:00.000+08:00

when ur boyfriend cannot keep his promises...
when ur boyfriend disappoints u more than surprising u...
when ur boyfriend fails to distract u from ur unhappiness...
when ur boyfriend is unable u reach home on time due to his incapability to track time
when ur boyfriend is not sensitive to wad u wan...

he has failed...

the words keep ringing in my head...
"my boyfriend is so insensitive"
"that's all i wanna say"
"dun make promises u can't keep"

it is not ur fault... it is mine... i have failed u...

Not enough

2007-07-22T21:51:00.000+08:00

it is not enough time!!!

i wanna spend more time wif him... but all i have is half of saturday and sometimes half of sunday...

sigh...

i'm getting the hang of military life and stuff... i'm ok wif the training... things are fine now... started training at night by myself... been jogging... been trying hard to catch up... but still... i've been falling ill once a week (like this week... i'm down wif flu... so i'm only booking in on monday night...) training is picking up... discipline is picking up... pple are stepping on my nerves... heck they are tap dancing on it sometimes... but well... i've survived 5 weeks... 8 more weeks to go... and this is week 6!!! then week 7 is field camp... then week 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 12 and it is PoP!!! 12 September dun seem so far now...1 month plus and i'm free from BMTC!!!

still...

i miss him so much...

Tank - 非你莫屬

Second Bookout

2007-07-08T12:26:00.000+08:00

i took a cab pasir ris on the 1st of july coz i'm running late... the fare clocked abt 12 dollars... i took a cab to the saf ferry terminal on 6th of july coz i'm sick... the fare was onli 11.40... something is not right... and for both instance i waited for a long time for the cab... and in the second instance... it took 3 drivers before i can find someone who knows how to get there... wad's with taxi drivers lately... sheesh...

anyways...

this bookout feels like a rush... was rushing around and did not really get things done... did not watch the movie tt i wanna watch... did eat the steamboat tt i wanted... but not in bugis which i originally plan... haha... but well... seoul garden is good too...

time is really crawling now... sian~

and now i dunno wad i can blog and wad i cannot... coz i'm afraid of leaking out secrets... i'm timid hor?

sarah brightman - first of may

Attend C

2007-07-06T09:34:00.000+08:00

in BMTC there are 3 attend status
Att A: sick but still fit for all duties, stay in camp
Att B: sick but fit for light duties, stay in camp
Att C: sick and unfit for any duties, stay at home

in the first 2 weeks in there i got an att b for my diarrhoea and yesterday i got an att c for my fever...

i booked out yesterday 12 noon and got home abt 2pm... have to book back in tonight by 9pm

falling sick in BMT is not fun... i mean apart from being able to stay at home, you miss lotsa stuff and they actually test you on all of it... and when u r away at home... u dunno wad is happening... and when u r sick and stay in camp... it is very boring... either u sit and do nothing or u r asked to help with cleaning birdshit, the storeroom or sweep things... light duties they say... or go somewhere on some ulu part of the island and clean the place up...

i wanna survive the other 11 weeks without falling sick but ended up having a fever of about 38.5 and honestly... it sucks... baby rushed down from school yesterday to visit me... as much as i miss him and wanna hold him... not very pleased tt he was rushing around like tt over something small... please baby.. dun get so worked up... i'm fine... and i can take care of myself... i dun wan u rushing around then u hurt urself or get into some trouble... u understand wad i mean?

anyways... heard from my bunkmates before i left for home tt saturday bookout is about 11am... whee~

tanya chua - yellow

After the honeymoon

2007-07-01T11:49:00.001+08:00

the military honeymoon ended 29th June 2007

i was enlisted 16th June 07

2 weeks adjustment period then booked out 29th June

long weekend out but felt so short...

things are ok in there... and glad that Daniel is in the same company as me... got someone to talk to when things are tough... it is tiring as they slowly push our physical endurance... but well it is not as scary as much pple say it is...

fell sick in there and decided that i ain't gonna fall sick in there coz time is even slower when u r sick... had fun with my bunkmates coz they are a funny bunch... offended some pple... dun wanna talk abt it... and missed him tons...

things are falling into place now in there and i sure hope i'll be able to pull thru the 11 more weeks...

cya in another week's time... on 7th July

2nd Month today

2007-07-01T11:46:00.000+08:00

it is our 2nd month today...

the past 2 weeks were not spent with you...

the next week will not be spent with you...

yet

you stood by my side...

you smiled when you saw me...

your actions lifted me and gave me motivation to carry on

we may not be able to celebrate today...

but believe me...

you are always in my heart...

baby, I Love You...

countdown: 1 day

2007-06-14T19:26:00.000+08:00

just back from the chalet and rested... chalet was fun... although nth much was done but well... got time to spend wif him it is good enough...

the chalet was good coz we talked and i finally knew how affected he is over my monetary issues... but well... i wanna give u good things too... so allow me to do so once in a while ok?

anyways... counting down... tmr is the last day i'm free... after tt is surrender pink IC and gt green one... i m kinda afraid but we'll just have to see how things go... i dun believe tt i can't survive... if others can... so can i...

a little moody now... dun really feel like doing anything... haha

tmr my last entry till 2 weeks later... i see wad i can blog abt bah... haha...

anyways... nice meeting Rin, Shane and Morgan... nice talking to u all... esp. Shane... we open cafe together ok? we should chat up more in the future...
and Rin... nice chatting up wif u... u look very taiwanese... haha... should chat more too...

nice seeing jeremy and jasper... thanks for coming down for a while... even though it is not much time spent wif me... sorry... i'll see u 2 in two weeks time... and jasper... help me look after my baby ok? thanks~

beyonce - listen

One more week~

2007-06-10T18:35:00.002+08:00

today is sunday... the beginning of the new week... at it's end... i'm going to enlist...

the day is finally here...

since secondary school... i've been talking abt it, shunning it, avoiding it and now... going into it...

National Service...

sigh~

anyways...

went for the ghost trail and realise tt SPI is no longer like before...

nobody respects the area anymore... we got pple smoking, making fun of the spirits, pretending to be psychics... sitting on graves... all because they are malays and we are in a chinese cemetery... sigh...

anyhow... nt concern wif tt...

more concern abt my last week wif baby...

sigh~

苏亦承 - 保护色

Countdown: 8days

2007-06-08T14:31:00.000+08:00

Today is the first day i'm officially not a settlers cafe katong staff...

i've stepped down, resigned, helped out and now no longer a staff

7th June 2007 was the last day i'm on schedule... and i handed my keys to JL... our new goddess of KTB...

so today is a very slack day... slept at 11.30 last night and up at 12 noon... haha

boring day... meeting douggy and munz for dinner later... haha

i miss u baby...

*hugs*

madness

2007-06-03T23:28:00.000+08:00

everything is going so crazy now at settlers katong tt i'm losing all mood to work at all...

i dun mind no money now... i dun wanna work liao...

tomorrow i go to work for one last day... then surrender my keys to them...

anyways...

IT'S COMING~

16th June

1st June came and went so quickly... our first month came and went like that *snaps fingers*

but well better than nothing...

now i gt no money to but the gift for him... hope the cake is good enough *sorry*

enlistment is eating me up more than i expected...

i'm losing my thoughts, my abilities and everything else...

sorry baby for making u go thru this with me... maybe getting tied down by me now is not really a good time... =X

ywjx - kao jin

frustrations@26052007

2007-05-26T16:17:00.000+08:00

lotsa stuff happening lately... so kinda frustrated...

the most obvious thing is my grandma who is in an senior citizen home for rehab... suppose to be back... apparently nobody knows anything so she thought we dun wan her liao

yesterday when baby was here... she called and was crying... plunged my mood down and the onli thought i had after tt was sleep...

even now...

sorry baby~ affected yesterday so badly...

anyways...

cafe going thru another transition period... i'm left the job... but coz my understudy who is suppose to take my place upon my resignation went overseas... i'm still working...

and to keep me... they are now calling me the consultant...

then i decided it should be more interesting...

.
..
...
..
.

Executive Mentor~

3rd birthday

2007-05-26T16:01:00.000+08:00

yesterday was my blog's 3rd birthday

it has been 3 years... from 25th may 04 to now...

my blog is marching into it's 4th year in existence...

tis is post note 300

first year i clocked 100 post, 2nd gt 130... tt makes tis year 70 post onli...

been blogging lesser...

haha...

anyways... feel free to explore 3 years of chronicles... and see that my world is not as bright as it always seems...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOG!

of transport and outings...

2007-05-24T02:06:00.000+08:00

tomorrow is my blog's birthday... whee~

anyhow... tt is for tomorrow...

wad's up for today...

let's look at some social issue which i m extremely pissed abt...

i always wondered wad is SBS policy on one person waiting for bus...

was waiting for a bus at a bus stop near my place to head down to the cafe... i saw the bus come, i flagged and then turned to reach for my wallet in my bag and when i look up, i saw the bus zooming past me... *stunned* huh? i thought i flagged the bus... must there be more than one person flagging the bus then will stop? lotsa pple went thru it (read jeremy's blog for example) and tis was not the first time i went thru tt... so... wad's the stand of SBS... and seriously... write letter complain so wad... we will look into the matter... then? wad's next? u can say we spoke to the driver involved but wad good does it really do? and wad makes u so sure he wun do it again... and how can i be assured tt u spoke to him?

the thing abt SBS and SMRT is tt they have very little buses competing so there is not much space and room for competition... is still pretty much a monopoly by SBS in some areas... and all we can do is live wif it...

same wif their taxi system... comfort... called a cab and waited abt 15 mins waiting for the operator coz they allow u to choose ur previous pick up point, which happened to be a place i happen to be in... and not really a frequently used location... SMRT? got my cab booked within 5 mins... sheesh...

on a brighter side... been spending lotsa time wif baby raccoon... but wif tt... i've made him upset a few times... really sorry... watched 'don't look back' and 'bridge to terabithia' over the week... went out and gt some stuff done... haha... went for Kumar's show just now and laughed like nobody's business... if he can go i'll ask him... but will be askin ally and cj to go for tt... in play... haha...

chalet is coming... kinda excited... but sigh... after tt... i'll be enlisting...

sian

beyonce - listen

random babbles again...

2007-05-21T00:31:00.000+08:00

when no one is around to mess with operations... things can be done so quickly...

cafe closes at 11pm... i was out of the place by 11.20...

anyways...

been sleeping a lot lately... if u've been reading my blog regularly... u would pretty much be able to guess why...

was printing staff request and a realise... JUNE IS COMING!!!

let's just hope the 15 days will pass by slowly and after tt... the 2 years will swish past so quickly...

zzz...

baby have not called me yet... i'm still waiting...

zzz...

his last blog entry is still 7th may...

zzz...

peggy hsu - bai se hun li

Working@18052007

2007-05-19T04:45:00.000+08:00

just got home from supper on the boss...

today was fun... started work at 1.30pm... worked all the way till 3pm (paid from 2pm to 2am)

the crowd started streaming in at 7pm and till 12 midnight, we are full... all our tables are occupied and our sales was about $1500... everything happened so smoothly without complains, without much problems except tis...

my kitchen was suppose to close at 12 midnight... boss still bringing in orders at 12.30am... thus causing my kitchen to close late and delayed my whole closing plan to finish by two...

my normal plan is:
12am last order, kitchen close
1am bill
1.15 collect all money
1.20 settle accounts, inform customers closing in ten min
1.25 inform customers we are closing in 5, finish last round
1.30 inform customers we are closed
1.45 everyone is gone, finish up washing and sweeping
2am staff is gone

today due to the kitchen closing late tis is wad happened:
1am kitchen close
1.30 bill, boss decide to extend operation, i billed majority of tables
1.45 boss and i still arguing about extension of operation (but he went ahead anyway, 2 tables extended)
2am billed last two tables
2.30 one table left
2.45 last table left
3am finish up closing, staff went for supper

and we are only being paid till 2am... crap...

and tis is the first time boss and i had an argument over operation... and he is NOT listening to me...

so much so for boss saying tt he is open to all suggestion... he keep insisting wad i'm saying dun make sense...

argh~

stupid...

plus a little fight i had wif baby in the afternoon...

was kinda upset the whole afternoon... hurt myself a few times in the kitchen due to the distraction in my mind... sigh~

but thanks to JL and Ter for being there tonight... esp. JL for cheering me up a lot... haha... guess she will never read tis...

and also baby... th silly pic u sent me made me smile and forgot the problem for a while... then again... only a while... coz i was till thinking of the incident...

crap~

beyonce - listen

Relationships

2007-05-15T02:11:00.000+08:00

another person's blog i enjoy reading is dallas' blog at: http://titanically.blogspot.com

his entry on relationships (24th April 07) reminded me of wad happened last year between jes, munz and i...

to some extend i agree wif him... but then to hold onto such belief is child-like...
statements like 'my daddy will beat ur daddy'... coz u have faith and trust in ur dad being the best dad in the world... but tt may not be the case and it takes child-like faith to trust tt... similiarly... his ideas and thoughts are true to some degree... but it takes child-like faith to really believe tt all u need to do is to understand the other party for a relationship to really work out... and if it doesn't it is due to the fact that pple dun wanna understand each other and thus fault falls onto human faith and trust...

understanding plays a big part... to understand each other and to understand why we do wad we do and think wad we think... but understanding is not really the key... the key is acceptance... accepting wad u understand and wad u dun understand... i can understand why u do things that way but i dun accept it... it is useless... but if i can accept the way u do things even though i dun understand it... that is how relationship work out... and for this to happen... it goes beyond faith and trust... it goes straight to the heart... love... do u love(now... if u r wondering... love is not the bgr/bbr/ggr kinda love but universal love) tt person? if u do... u would have faith in him... u would trust him... u would accept him... and u would try to understand him...

like a mother... who wakes up in the middle of the night to feed the baby... she might not understand at tt pt of time why the baby has to wake up then to drink milk... but she accepts tt and feeds the baby...

if we keep to the faith and trust level without the love behind it... things wun last... things wun go far... coz when trust is broken and faith failed... the whole relationship collapsed... easy to rebuild yes... but well it ain't deep... but if u have love involved in it... it wun collapse that easily... but when failed... it is not that easy to rebuild...

like the episode between me and the above mentioned two...

munz friendship was a friendship i invested in with love... love for a fren, juz like the one i built wif douglas... when things go wrong... i may not understand it and may bitch abt it... but i learnt to accept it... and even though time and again u repeated the mistake... i never questioned ur integrity and never bring it up during arguments... simply becoz i accepted it... but after the entire incident, our friendship was shaken and affected and had failed... pple ask me if it is possible to be like before... my answer is no... coz after all that had happened... i failed u... but u failed me too... and the cup, now broken, no matter how well it is mend... will always carry the cracks from the fall... it hurts a lot... even till tis day... and it is becoz of the hurt, the investment and the love i put in tt is making me hold back... coz i know... things will never be the same... i rather things be as it is now... then we try to go back to before and i end up being a real hypocrite... pretending that nothing has happened... but deep within me... the scar is there...
jes was a good fren but alas... it is just one of faith and trust... and once the trust is broken... the whole thing collapsed... it may be easier to build up the frenship again... but i guess... the hesitation from munz will affect how i will go about rebuilding it... and well... rather things be as it is now then me being a hypocrite... since this whole incident started wif the idea of hypocrite...

and thinking abt this episode made me ponder abt how my standing wif others are affect by this incident...
he might deny it... but from wad he says and do... it is pretty obvious who's side he is on... and since i've decided that i m not going to rebuild the relationship wif jes, he can keep to his end of the bargain... but i only have tis to say to u... take a step out of urself and look... u will see things u may not notice before... i still value u as a fren... i may not be there for u always like ur other frenz... but i'll always be here for u... if u ever need someone... i'm here... if u trust me... if u have faith in me... then try understanding me... why i've decided to take tis step... it is not as easy as u think... and if u still see me as a fren... then all i ask of u... is to think of me sometimes...
she might always be closer to the other 2... but i do hope she still regards me as a fren... i have not sent u my birthday wishes and greetings yet... not becoz i dun wan to... but becoz work has been pretty consuming during that period of time... and it had slipped my mind... glad tt u enjoyed urself in s'pore during ur birthday... and now tt u r legally an adult... i do wish tt u will enjoy ur life which u now steer on ur own, free of ur parents control (legally at least) and promise me u will be happy ok? happy belated birthday...

sometimes i wonder... how do everyone think of me...

to succeed in life is to bring a smile to the faces of the people who think of you...

have i succeeded?
or
have i failed?

飛輪海 - 一個人流浪

Fear

2007-05-15T01:44:00.000+08:00

one person's blog i really enjoy reading is andrew's blog... those who are interested... his blog is at:
http://angel_boy.blogspot.com
(first in the s'pore category... i'm second... haha)

his insights to many things happening made me wonder... i have insights too... why dun i blog about them... haha... actually i dun... i'm just saying... i thought i would make it to the light category of his list... i guess i'm nt doing enough =X

then i wondered... who reads my blog anyway?

then i questioned... who m i blogging for?

then i reasoned... it doesn't really matter... this is where i'm who i m right? so who cares abt who is reading this and who is not...

wadeva...

recent events made me realise... it is not really about wad is happening that is making me uptight and unhappy... it is wad is going to happen...

enlistment...

alas... it is my turn to go in... will i survive? will i become like my brother, ill-tempered and vulgar... will i become like gerald, declared 302 and possibly ostracised... will i become insane from all the stress... will i become quiet and emo... or will i come out a stronger, better person... rising above all the difficulties... i dunno... and i fear all the uncertainty tt is to come from the 2 years in army... including the possible effects it will bring to my relationship wif baby raccoon...

fear...

there is nothing to fear but fear itself...

all of life's regrets started from 'if'

but i can't help but to be afraid... to ask 'if'...

sitting in front of the monitor at 1.55am suggest tt i can't really sleep... the tingling feeling within is keeping me awake...

Evanescence - Bring Me To Life

Disputes

2007-05-13T18:26:00.000+08:00

the interface is funny... but as long as i can blog... i couldn't care much...

phantom of the opera is good... the effects, blocking and everything is good... just the story... hmmm... maybe coz i watched the movie already... so i know wad is happening... no freshness of the story... but it is nice to watch it wif baby... having him by my side to watch it... but can tell it is alos boring him a little... hahaha... nevertheless... it is sweet to have him by my side to watch it...

my blog birthday is coming... this year... i onli made abt 70 post compared to other years... sigh... i'm blogging lesser and lesser... will blog more abt tis in the blog birthday entry...

wad i wanna blog abt is a dispute in the forums... kids these days...

it all started wif someone who is so childish, he made personal insults about someone in the forum whom we've all accepted in our midst... then when we stood up for him, he started insulting others and it spiralled out of hand, involving those in the higher profile (which i dun really wan)... then the thread was lock and the episode continued wif one writing in the forum and one writing in his blog...

wad he wans to write in his blog is his freedom... so please leave him alone... and reading wad is in his blog... i'm choosing to trust u coz of benefit of the doubt i'm giving u... but if it is proven that wad u r saying is to attract attention and rally support for urself but not the truth... then dun blame me for denying u in the fourm...

wad u wanna write in ur blog is ur freedom... i wun question ur stand in the blog... but since u made a comment about me... i shall reply... dowager is just a title... the same as giving some the title of baby, sweetie etc... some even bring in food and animals (as in crabstick and cow) but tt doesn't mean that he is a food product or an animal... please dun be so childish in matters like this... personal attacks to such extend... things said the the forum should be treated lighter than how u r treating it... i maybe a nobody and u have no reasons to fear me... but u dunno me... and u dunno wad i'm capable of accomplishing... if i die... i will ensure there is no peace for u too...

but then again... let's hope that things wun go down that path... for both sides...

all i wan is peace in the thread... for all of us to interact in harmony... for all my friends in the forum to enjoy each others' presence... is it too much to ask for?

beyonce - listen

updates@050507

2007-05-05T05:08:00.000+08:00

end of april... start of may... end of may... start of june... mid-june...
NS...

how time flies...

as of today... i've unofficially stepped down from my post as senior cafe executive - operations management... come 7th May, i'll be senior cafe executive without portfolio while the other 4 will have new portfolios... come 20th May, my committed work period will be over, and i'll work on a free and easy basis... come June 1st, it would be our 1st month together... come 15th June, it will be the last day i'm holding onto my pink I/C and on 16th June... bye bye civilisation...

today was kinda fun... met him for lunch... then went to work... did not serve any customers till 7 then nvr stopped workin till 2... haha... lost my voice now... and i'm tired... but wanna blog...

gt 1 table crazy... they sitting by the door to the kitchen... so my staff wanna help them change to a safer seat when the original seat billed and left... then they flare up and walked out... crazy... boss thought my staff did something wrong... but i felt he did very well and has no fault... boss also crazy...

but today was very rewarding and fun despite the tiredness and how boss was screwing some stuff up... i hosted games and did nth else... just like i did when i first started work there... miss the good old days... but now... all of the seniors are tired and are contemplating of tendering their resignation...

1st to go is me... then is ter and za then is ken... wonder how the bosses are gonna take it... but well.. the favor is over... if they wan the others to stay and work... they have to make it our job... and to make it our job... they have to give a pay increment...

anyways... all these aside...

everything is confirmed... and as of 1st May 2007, i'm accounted for again... and although it will be a tiring relationship due to NS... i trust tt we will be able to see each other thru this one... i dunno how would things work out... but i know i love you... and i wanna be with you... i dun really care how the others see me now... coz wad really matters to me now is you... not gonna say more... coz u will definately scold me... but i just wanna tell you...

I Love You...

*hugs*

ywjx - kao jing

happy or not?

2007-04-28T16:17:00.000+08:00

lately... things has gotten worse at work... everyone is complaining abt the manager and the other managerial senior cafe executive...

for those who dunno yet...

there are 2 managerial senior cafe executive... in my cafe
me: senior cafe executive - operations management
and another: senior cafe executive - events and floor management
the other senior cafe executives are supervision level

and it has gotten so bad... there are many times i walk thru the door without the feeling fo wanting to work... good thing is tt one is going to London for a break and i'm leaving soon... pity the last one... he would have to bear all the shit when tt comes...

anyways... other then tt... i'm pretty happy abt how some things are developing... although the status is unknown... i enjoy the feeling and times with him... it is him tt is keeping my smile on when i'm working...

completed reading his blog... so now i know where to bring him and wad to do wif him... hahaha...

but i ain't revealing anything till things are stabilised and confirmed...

*blush*

苏亦承 - 保护色 (终极一班电视原声带)

Status: Unknown

2007-04-28T15:12:00.000+08:00

are we a couple? are we dating? or are we just friends?

i dunno...

i feel like we are a couple, but only in the dating stage but with status of friends...

wad r we?

if it is only friends tt we can be... then i guess i'll just have to settle for tt... but i wanna be more than tt...

love is a commitment... to be there for the other no matter what happens...

i like u... and i wanna love u...

r u willing?

i'll be waiting for ur answer...

苏亦承 - 保护色 (终极一班电视原声带)

290 Posts Later

2007-04-21T15:02:00.000+08:00

tis is the 290th post of this blog...

i'm 21 years old...

my highest qualification is GCE O levels

my highest working portfolio is Senior Cafe Executive - Operations Management

my greatest shame is tt tt's all the achievements i have...

been reading a few blogs with Arron's blog being the one tt i have the most thoughts abt... how a kid like him have so much thoughts... and how similiar our thoughts can be... is it the age that makes us like that? does all pple of tis age think like tt...

pple always label us as guys who r emotional and think too much... r we?

anyways...

i've announced my resignation... my last day at work would be 20th May 2007... then i'll take a one month break... then go to NS... and hopefully after 2 years, the military would wake me up from all my dreams and root me back to reality... i should strive to study and then work till i die... i should stop dreaming abt being in the entertainment biz... to direct my own drama and movies... i should stop dreaming the dreams i have... gt a 9-5 job... gt 14 days off a year and slog my guts out till i turn 60 when i die (i wanna die by then)

but then again... will i last tt long? will Jesus be back by then?

i dunno...

i dun wanna know...

many thoughts fill my mind... i typed, deleted, retyped, deleted, considered, typed, deleted... tis is my territory... but why do i fear? why do i hesitate in expressing wad's in my mind? is tis really my land? is this where u'll find the real me? is tis me? m i still hiding in tis world which i'm suppose to roam free?

who m i?

where's the real me?

i'm tired... and it seems tt no matter how much i've slept... it's never enough... when reality is so tiring... i'll never have enough sleep...

Fahrenheit - yi ge ren liu lang

thoughts@17042007

2007-04-17T05:13:00.000+08:00

just realise my blog's birthday is coming... i started tis blog in may 2005 and it is gonna be may 2007 soon... how time flies...

just finish watching a few shows lately... nie zi and zhong ji yi ban... nice shows... muahaha... and then suddenly i started wondering... would i make it if i would to go into show biz... i guess not... pple r good looking in tt circle... i guess i onli belog to the aj circle... haha...

aaron yan is cute... in zhong ji yi ban and in the group... i find him really cute... guess it is a good thing... with my frenz like jiro and chun... i gt one tt nt much pple will fight wif me... haha... and he is one year younger than me... 1986 baby... whee~ but it also means one thing... i'm getting older... now pple in the biz are beginning to be my birth year... it used to be 78,79,80... now it is 83(hebe) 84(tang yu zhe) 85(meng zhe)86(Arron Yan) and soon it would be 88 89 90...

anyways... more abt myself...

fell sick lately... and totally lost the mood for settlers... dun really feel like working there already... i had pretty much handed over all my duties to zahari... mohan is also beginning to step into my sphere of control (again) and serene is getting very stern with me... guess i'll just step down and hand everything to them... i dun wanna be in charge anymore... but saying is easier... i guess i still cannot let tis go... after all, it has been a year since i started slogging there and climbed from nobody to the highest paid and position there... it reminds me of the days i'm in st john's... but unlike then... i didn't take a strong and strict control over everything... i guess tt is when u have been out and running... u realise that things cannot be done the way it used to be done... but maybe if i had been like tt... mohan would not eat into my sphere... and i would be able to do the things i wanna do my way... haha... but then again... tis is not my cafe... i just work for them... they pay me... unlike st john... i was free to do anything... coz it is after all a 'student driven' group with a lousy teacher in charge...

really missed the good old days when things are simplier... i miss the times when everything is stressful but never pressing... stress then and stress now is so different... wadeva happened then is now, i guess, a breeze to us... i'm 22 now... come 23, 24, 30, 40, 60, death... time really will fly... (i know how to count... but if i were to type out everything... it is gonna be very very long and boring) and looking back... will i be able to tell myself i've done wad i wanna do? will i be able to tell myself i've lived my dreams? i dunno...

i always dreamt of being in the showbiz, and of all places taiwan's show biz... i always liked working wif kids (nt young kids mind u... older ones) and i always wanna be a counsellor... dunno if i can ever achieve these dreams... sometimes... dreams will always be dreams... the furthest from reality is dreams... there are pple who make their dreams come true... but how many?

well... a new song by Fahrenheit, Fei Lun Hai... i like the tune and the lyrics... and i hope those who chance upon tis place will like it too...

沒人了解　才選擇隔絕這世界
有點疲倦　已決裂的信念
白色球鞋　走不回喧鬧的海邊
月光營火　照亮許多笑臉

瘋狂畫面停留在眼前
默契卻漸行漸遠
我們約好闖蕩的那片天
我一個人向前

我流浪在擁擠的從前
複習一頁頁黑白的空蕩夏天
呆坐在熱鬧的路邊　啤酒沒變甜
卻少了傻得很認真的心願

我流浪在孤單的邊緣
懷念揮霍著笑聲的耀眼藍天
聽著那熟悉的音樂　只剩下琴弦
希望讓時間回到誤解那天

能有機會說聲抱歉

苏亦承 - 保护色 (终极一班电视原声带)

Emo@120407

2007-04-12T00:59:00.000+08:00

just ended a overnight staff gathering at my work... and i realise how insignificant i can be in their eyes...

adding to tt... i've been out of reach for some time wif the forum guys... and well... they had so much fun i can't help but to feel tt i'm nt really part of the group anymore...

tis few days has been a very bad period for me emotionally... i'm constantly challenged to keep my spirits up... but there are times when i really cannot do it anymore...

luck has been bad too... lost lotsa money in mahjong... but tt's nt the main pt...

the thing is tis... i feel like it dun really matter if i'm there or not... and i desire the idea tt i matter to pple... i guess it is since young tt i really wan acknowledgements... *laughs* coming from a family like tis... i guess it is not a wonder why i'm such a crazy person...

ignore me...
i'm babbling...
again...

speed - walking in the rain...

babbles@050407

2007-04-05T07:07:00.000+08:00

when u gt too many things to blog abt and too little time to do it and then u find time to do it... u will forget the bulk of wad u wanna blog abt...

but well... i'll see wad i can remember...

been feeling kinda tired lately coz i've been doing crazy stuff lately...
wednesday: overnight KTV wif ally
thursday: overnight mahjong wif nicholas and 2 seniors (lost $10)
friday: overnight mahjong wif KL and 2 seniors (lost $3)
sat: overslept, skipped work, overnight mahjong wif 3 seniors
sun: overslept, skipped work
mon: overnight mahjong wif 3 seniors, 1st time ever saw 13 wonders... i threw out his winning tile
tue: out wif ally, CJ, SL dinner at sakae, drinking at nude restaurant
wed: overnight mahjong (lost $5)
today: working @ 2pm

guess i wun step down from my post so soon... enlistment notice from ns.sg:
Your enlistment is between June 2007 till November 2007
geez... thanks... it helped alot...

did a series of readings for my frenz... and gt ter to read for me... in his reading... i'm ready for a new relationship BUT i have to let go of the previous one first... i guess after so long... i'm still holding onto the negativity of the failed relationship...

but well... i'm fine... i'm still surviving...

anyways, a few misses...

miss yong an (or iwan haha), times when we use to chat over the phone...
miss alex, times when we float ard together
miss jeremy, for everything... haha... boo!
miss the kids from the forum, dinner~ i can't go

saw my grams to the hospital for her checkup... she has recovered... so those who knows and r worrying wif me... she is fine...

remember i lost money? tis is the aftermath of it:
me: i lost $200 (describe story)
grams: ok... take tis money
me: dun need
later that day
grams: i need to borrow money
paternal grams(pm): for
grams: give tim
pm: why?
grams: he lost money, stolen from cafe
pm: dun need to borrow... i'll give him
a while later
pm: grams told me tt u lost money
me: yeah i did...
pm: why u lose money?
me: it was stolen... (actually it is a new habit... it is fun... try it)
pm: how come the thief take the money from ur wallet? why she never take ur whole wallet?
me: how would i know? (wait... r u suspecting i'm lying)
pm: if i'm the thief i would have taken ur whole wallet... i wun leave ur wallet behind and only take the money...
me: i dunno why she did that (wait... u really sound like u r suspecting me)
pm: i'm not suspecting u or anything... i trust u... but i just find it weird...
me: me too (i nvr say anything... u admit to it... hmm... u r really nt believing me) i gotta go... in the middle of a meeting (i'm out wif frenz actually) i go over tmr and talk to u abt it ok?

geez... wif grandma like tt... who needs enemies...

harlem yu - kao jin

May I find some comfort...

2007-03-25T01:23:00.000+08:00

sometimes, behind the smiles and laughters, is a soul that had never stopped crying...

the more i try... the harder it is for me...

should i just give up?

should i carry on?

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it okay
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction or a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here
You're in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here.

Dreams, the only escape from this cruel world... where your wishes and fantasies come true...

Sarah McLachlan - Angel

天灰

2007-03-23T02:10:00.000+08:00

如果你不再出现
我的世界　还有什么可贵
可惜不够时间
让我们试验　什么叫永远
想念变成怀念
心动变成心碎
偏偏还会关切
你最后属于谁
我的天空今天有点灰
我的心是个落叶的季节
我不知道如何度过今夜
所有的灯　早已经全都熄灭
如果你从没出现
我会不会　觉得快乐一些
可惜残忍时间
总要把诺言一点点摧毁
想念变成怀念
心动变成心碎
偏偏还会关切
你最后属于谁
我的天空今天有点灰
我的心是个落叶的季节
我不知道如何度过今夜
所有的灯　早已经全都熄灭

*rewind to the chalet during chinese new year*

downtown east new year deco gt predictions on the coming year for the 12 zodiac animals in the chinese calender...

on mine it reads: not suitable to find love, will get hurt badly...

*fast forward to today*

abt 1 month had passed and i had been disappointed many times i lost count... call it spooky... but i guess i'll heed the advice... just tt after tis year... i may no longer find the courage and strength to love again...

in moments like tis... my mind is flooded...

I don't know if I could have any hope for the future. I was born alone. I'll go on living alone.

S.H.E - 天灰

Updates on 190307

2007-03-19T16:34:00.000+08:00

bad bad time lately... sigh...

lotsa things happened and i dunno where to begin...

anyways... here's wad happened as much as i can remember...

i've done my medical checkup... i'm PES A L1... so i guess i'm ready to do anything for the government... sian... stupid and healthy... onli one place: frontline...

wad else?

i got robbed... ok nt really... i left my wallet on the counter of my store one day and a indian lady walked into the store... i was busy with some customers then and when she walked out... she was holding onto one of the books containing confidential information of the customers... i stopped her and took the book back and let her go... abt 3 hrs later i found out my wallet was opened and i lost $190, right after getting my pay... if only i collect it later... sigh~

ummm... some more?

i bought the hua yang shao nian shao nu (i dunno the jap title) and watched it liao... so sweet... so nice... so... so... so... *melt*

wu zhun is so nice... his character is sooooooooo awww~

tall, handsome, cute (yes he is both)... strong and soft in character... relying on ella's character while protecing her...

wad else can someone ask for... hmmm... good sex... haha

but seriously...

while watching the show.. i was like... awww... awww... awww... awww... i wan someone like tt... i wan a guy like tt... so sweet... so romantic... haha...

oh ya... updates...

i'm quitting my job... i already decided to step down from my post with effects from 5th April... then see when is enlistment and then quit... wahahhaha... so anyone wanna employ me....

and lately... i have no connection to the internet...

sigh~ sian~

so many things i wanna do online but no internet... and i have no life!!! pple... ask me out~ please help me out of this boring life...

93.3FM

1 year anniversary

2007-03-11T02:25:00.000+08:00

如果重来一遍
我们能走多远
时间不断重复着思念
距离台北纽约
我们分隔两边
划分我们之间的界线

我恨我当初没把你留下
我不该以为自己很伟大
听着你说对于未来的梦想
你说想去闯
我不该阻挡

你过的好吗
有比我好吗
是否还像从前的任性模样
还习惯一个人住吗
独立让人成长我相信
你有双坚强的翅膀

你过的好吗
还会想我(爱)吗
听说你身边多了个爱你的他
他应该对你很好吧
代替我的肩膀保护你
快乐的飞翔(你过的好吗)
如果重来一遍
我们能走多远

if nothing happened... we would have celebrated our 1st year together...

and it was today tt i realised... i'm ok now... i no longer feel moody when i think of him... and although there is still a stinging feeling within... i guess it is all the same with all the other ex tt i have...

spent the whole morning (night of 9th March to morning of 10th March) with Douggy just talking... about trust, pride, child-likeness, childishness, army, spirits, life, personality, quitting, plans and tarot... and it suddenly dawn upon us... it has been a long time since we last did tt... (it was before he went into army)

how has life ate up so much moments tt we could have shared... his NS and my work... and i begin to think of my other frenz... all who matter to me... when was the last time we sat down and really talked?

it was great spending all tt time wif him... it made me realised how far we have left the past behind... to the extend tt i'm the verge of losing precious precious things... memories...

anyways... today was kinda a sad day... a grp came in to celebrate a b'day... and after everything... the mum asked his child (the birthday boy) to come to us and said...

"come... say thank you to uncle timothy"

uncle?!

call tt retribution...

sorry to those whom i laughed at when they first turn 21... sorry for calling u uncle...

ayumi - a song for xx

Hopeless

2007-03-04T15:19:00.000+08:00

i guess i will never find hope in the very place where u should feel safe and hopeful...

i guess home will never be wad it should be to me...

think... if i dread coming home... wad has it become...

adding everything...

i feel so vulnerable now... i feel so... afraid...

so unwanted...

mum...

is home too much to ask for?

mum...

i'm sorry...

mum...

i miss you...

mum...

help me stop crying please...

mum...

come back please...

mum...

mum...

driven deeper...

2007-02-28T02:18:00.000+08:00

deeper into solitude the hermit retreats...

my feelings now...

solitude is something wanted, loneliness is not...

i dun like tis feeling of being alone... i wanna embrace solitude... but at least now... i wanna be surrounded by pple... i wanna be heard by pple... i wan attention... i wanna be wanted... the craving within adds onto the pangs of loneliness, unwanted, forgotten, ignored, ditched...

if u can't find me... will it ultimately matter?

i guess not... i'm insignificant anyway... so small, so forgotten, so undeserving...

dun worry about me... i dun deserve it... ur time deserves something better... anything... it is all better than me anyway...

ignore me...

forget me...

i'm not here... never was... never is... never will be...

carry on with life... just like my presence, my absence wun make any difference...

feelings@270207

2007-02-27T23:56:00.000+08:00

i know it is not your fault...

i know that it is not deliberate...

i know you all have reasons and not excuses...

i know you don't mean it...

but i can't help...

can't help feeling so lonely...

nobody being by my side...

i feel so unwanted...

insignificant...

alone...

speed - walking in the rain

Aftermath of Chalet

2007-02-26T23:22:00.000+08:00

tis chalet has proven to be a very interesting chalet i've been to...

many things happened after the chalet and i for one m still trying to gt use to things...

anyhow...

a new couple... new singles... and new problems...

but let's ignore all of tt...

kinda had fun today visiting pple at work... first daniel and talked to him abt some stuff... haha... missed the chance to do so in the chalet coz he nt feelin well... then visited roy... guess he is busy... cannot disturb him... then went to look for alex (wif manfred and yong an) and wandered from novena to vivocity and wondered back home...

miss hanging out wif frenz like tt... ally, gerald... must make urself free to do tt one day soon... i miss u all lots man...

still recovering... teared twice... so malu... got caught by the kids... darn... they just appear like tt behind me leh...

yu cheng qing - kao jing

I'm back~

2007-02-24T00:31:00.000+08:00

it has been many days since i last posted...

busy with cafe b'day celebration preparation... the plans are in place...

then busy with CNY... collection was not too bad...
angbao highest amount: $288 from my company
angbao lowest amount: $2 from my grandaunt

then busy wif chalet...
it was fun... esp. talking to jeremy, daniel, dominic, alex (exodus), yong an (s'porelittleboi) and brian (chant)

Cafe~
we are turning 1 on 3rd march... there will be a month-long series of activites... afterwhich i will go for my NS medical checkup... then i will tender my resignation... then work till the end of my term and say good bye to settlers but not the family...

CNY~
unlucky...
1.eve of CNY gt rashes till day of chalet then recovered...
2.lost my wallet...
3.watch stopped... when wanna wind it up, the dial dropped off... i need a new watch

lucky:
1.$288 angbao from boss...
2.i found my wallet...
3.my grams is home from the old folks home to join us...

tis CNY is kinda fruitful financially although i was not allowed to step out of my house after sunset... and i did not go any bai nian...

Chalet~
the chalet's turnout was reasonably well...a few new guys who i hope will not only come once ok?
did not sleep thru the chalet till the 3rd day abt 7 or 8am... haha... old liao... use to be able to last longer than tt and still have energy... now no lor... nice having a chance to talk to jeremy abt life, cliques and others... have fun playin mahjong and cards and well... enjoyed myself in the chalet...
of coz... let's nt remember anything bad tt happened... and anything u r not suppose to see... like i'm a very strong person... so whoever saw me cry tt night... u did not... it was sand... lotsa sand... bleah~

and they wan the palace details... so here goes...

Hou Gong:
Emperor: head of the palace (SP thread)- Daniel (newbiez)
Empress: other half of daniel,from TP - Bryan/Ryan (Chant)
Dowager: former mamasan of the thread, became too old - Tim (solitude)
Yi-Nu: supposed doctor of the palace, but actually the cleaner (kidding). high position in palace (think Da Chang Jin) - Manfred (ANALysis)
Ge-Ge: princesses of the palace, many diff level, either 'daughters' of the current empress or the previous - Daniel (blunic86), Bastian (crabstick)[previous]
yong an (singaporelittleboi), alex (exodus), gundam_x [current, except gundam who should be previous but wanna act young]
Adopted Ge-ge: adopted princess, new to the palace - eugene

who did i left out...
and wad title u wan? any changes?

the cranberries - zombies

stuck @ home

2007-02-19T16:43:00.000+08:00

nt feeling well... and gt rashes... sigh... tis CNY suck~

done a few quizes online to ease the boredom...

My Personality


Neuroticism	89
Extraversion	45
Openness To Experience	56
Agreeableness	28
Conscientiousness	8

You are neither a subdued loner nor a jovial chatterbox. You enjoy time with others but also time alone. You can be very easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be extremely sensitive and emotional. A desire for tradition does not prevent you from trying new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual. People see you as tough, critical, and uncompromising and you have less concern with others' needs than with your own. You like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized.

You Are 73% Feminine, 27% Masculine

You are in touch with your feminine side.
Sensitive, intuitive, and caring are all words that describe you.
And you're just masculine enough to relate to both men and women.

Are You Masculine or Feminine?

You Date Like a Man

According to studies on dating, you date like a man.
You date casually and frequently, getting serious with select people over time.

Physical attraction and chemistry is very important to you.
And if there's nothing more than a physical connection, that's okay with you (at least for a while).

You are definitely looking for love, but you are in no rush to find it.
You figure love will eventually come your way, and you're not going to live like a monk while you're waiting!

Do You Date Like a Man or a Woman?

Your Lust Quotient: 65%

You are a very lustful person - and it sometimes gets the better of you!
You know how to hold back, but you hardly ever do.

How Much Lust Do You Have?

You Are 20% Extrovert, 80% Introvert

You are quite reserved
You aren't afraid of social situations...
But you very much prefer to go it alone
And why not? You're your own best friend!

Are You An Extrovert or An Introvert?

You Sometimes Don't Get Enough Sleep

You're often more tired than you'd like, and you're probably not getting enough quality sleep.
Sleeping a little more could make you a lot more energetic and happy.
Try having a bedtime, keep your bedroom cool, and only eat fruit before bed.

Do You Get Enough Sleep?

Your Life Is Worth...

$762,500

How Much Is Your Life Worth?

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy.

They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder.

It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment.

They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

Your Element Is Air

You dislike conflict, and you've been able to rise above the angst of the world.
And when things don't go your way, you know they'll blow over quickly.

Easygoing, you tend to find joy from the simple things in life.
You roll with the punches, and as a result, your life is light and cheerful.

You find it easy to adapt to most situations, and you're an open person.
With you, what you see is what you get... and people love that!

What's Your Element?

You Are A Pine Tree

You love agreeable company, peace, and harmony.
Compassionate and friendly, you love to help others.
A natural poet, you have a very active imagination.
You are very soft on the inside - needing affection and reassurance.
You can fall in love deeply, but you will leave if you feel betrayed.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

You Are 35% Sexy

Your Sex Appeal Is: Average

You're about as sexy as the average person on the street.
There's no secret to gaining more sex appeal - you just need to be a bit bolder!

How Much Sex Appeal Do You Have?

Your Dating Purity Score: 53%

You are an average dater.
You're experienced enough to be a great girlfriend or boyfriend...
Though you still may be figuring out exactly what you want in love!

Dating Purity Test

You Have Low Self Esteem 92% of the Time

You're definitely in a low place right now, but you also know deep down that you can get out of your funk.
Take a chance and make a new friend or try a new interest. Shaking things up will give you the self-esteem boost you need!

How is Your Self Esteem?

You Are 52% Brutally Honest

Honesty is important to you, but generally, you try not to be brutal about it.
You'll sugar coat the truth when you need to... and tell a white lie when necessary.

How Brutally Honest Are You?

see... i'm bored...

corrinne may - everything in it's time

thanks everyone

2007-02-15T23:10:00.000+08:00

for the concerns that came in... thanks for caring...

i'm fine... guess he is too...

although there is this dull ache somewhere within... i guess i'm otherwise ok...

things are moving rather slowly at work lately... and i'm takin more leaves now tt i had trained someone to take my place in my absence... all i need to do now is to tender my resignation... but tt would be after march... in april or may...

quarrelled wif a collegue over something small and it is my fault... although he may nt see tis... i'm sorry... i should nt have blown and nap at you... but well... it happened... i'm sorry...

valentine's day was spent in store... and after knockin off... i slept in store... came back tis morning and did some cleaning up at hm the whole day... sorry to those who wanna ask me out these two days... kinda distractin myself wif some stuff at home and work...

Lunar new year is coming... have fun in this few days of off and have a fruitful financial harvest...

i'm moody...

bye...

ayumi hamasaki - M

p/s: jeremy... i finally linked u... sorry i took so long...

2007-02-07T05:08:00.001+08:00

"Maria" There is someone I should love;
every person who has ever been hurt...

As I look around,
everyone busily
hurries on by.

I noticed that this year, too,
the signs of winter have
come very soon.

Again, somewhere in this city today
two people will meet and fall in love;
the curtains are violently opened.

Even so, everything eventually,
someday, has an end.

Again, somewhere in this city today
two people split apart;
the curtains are quitely dropped.

"Maria" There is someone I should love.
At times I feel very lonely.
But my needs are all filled
by the person I should love.

"Maria" There is someone I should love.
At times I bear very deep wounds.
But my they are all healed
by the person I should love.

"Maria" Everyone is crying.
"Maria" But I want to believe.
"Maria" So I'm praying now
that this is my final love.
Beginnings come at random,
but endings always have a reason.

A New Start

2007-02-05T22:26:00.000+08:00

10 March 2006 to 31 Jan 2007
10 Months 21 Days

Maybe we did not try hard enough... maybe we took each other for granted... maybe... maybe...

Many of life's regrets started from 'If'

If not for my job... would things be different?
If not for me taking over the running of the cafe... would things be different?
If not for me expecting too much... would things be different?
If not for you expecting so much... would things be different?

i will not live in regrets... i will move on... things have been set to become like tis... no more ifs... because we can never find out anymore...

work is finally smooth.... everything is roughly in place and things are getting done... of coz at the expenses of a collegue and i... we are running the show now... and if i can't run a relationship well... i'm gonna run the cafe well...

BUT

after all tt has been happening in the cafe and my life... i feel like stepping down... be like last time... when i have time for myself... for my frenz... for him... now tt he is no longer there... at least for myself and my frenz...

anyways... new skin new start...

i guess tis CNY will be a new beginning for me... to learn to stand on my own... to learn to live for myself...

SHE - Tian Hui

Not Use To Things

2007-01-16T03:21:00.000+08:00

really not use to the new login format... not use to my new skin... not use to anything... somehow...i prefer the good old days when things are simplier...

i miss the time when i use to be in secondary school... when mun hong and douglas and i would hang out after school and do stupid things like playing badminton from one side of the courtyard to the other, playing tabble tennis with our palm... making fun of everything we see and do... when we tease felix wif chee beng and play risk in st john room... when we all gather in our room early in the morning to take our textbook coz we are lazy to bring it home...

i miss the time when i first started work... when the seniors are there and i'm a junior... when all i need to do is host, serve drinks and make drinks... when the managers sit down and play games like pig pile, risk, st petersberg with us... when we really end by 2.00am and no delays... when i no need to be the one responsible for the door, the food order, the operations and wad not...

i miss the time when i first knew a lot of my friends... when i had the time to spend with them... and to talk to them and to share everything with them... and to hear them call me... talk to me... and wanna know how things are with me... when all we talk about brings laughter and memories...

i miss the time when we were first together... when you always wanna hold my hand... when u are excited by the sight of me... when we always wanna be together despite our tiredness... when we spend on each other so abundantly...

i miss the time when i'm younger... when my mum is around... and whenever i cry... she will pat me lightly on my back and assure me that everything is alright and that there is nothing to be afraid of...

i miss the good old days... as time progress... friends drifted apart... memories faded... everything seem to want a share of ur time... misunderstanding arose and relationships torn apart... pple change... i change... in tis age and in tis time... even i become lost in my own world...

how many of you know the real me... who and wad i really am and wan...

They always said I was a strong child. They praised me, saying "you must be strong, not to cry."
The more people said things like that, the more even laughing became agony.

I didn't want those words at all. So I pretended not to understand.

in the darkest moments when i'm all alone

my thoughts run wild, my feelings run free

tears flow like waterfall as nobody takes notice

till in denial when i tell myself

it's fine, it's ok, there's nothing to worry

delusions comforts, assuring and soothing me

Who says that men must be happy. As if happiness is a choice.

The sky is so dark, it seems it wouldn't be bright again. It doesn't matter, then, if there is a tomorrow.

Stanley Huang Li Xing - Ni Shen Bian

A New Beginning

2007-01-09T04:28:00.000+08:00

A new year, a new blog layout, a new beginning...

i guess i'll never leave the dark, gloomy blogskin designs... maybe i will... but not so soon... nt till i'm able to really feel happy when i'm alone...

well... finally did the migrate as well to the new blogger and i guess it is nt tt bad afterall... nt much of a diff...

i edited tis skin frm its original state to wad it is now... i feel proud of myself... haha... but it cannot be view properly on firefox... IE can see it in its best view... sigh~

i know the color sucks and stuff... but till i can figure out wad #808080 is and how to change it to something i like and is nice... it'll stay tis way...

sick now... and thus unable to meet him till i recover...

tis suck...

Harlem Yu - Jie Bu Diao

Post No 271

2007-01-03T07:15:00.000+08:00

tis is the 271st post of the blog... the first in 2007 and looking back... i realised... my first post of 2006 was post 154 on 3rd Jan 06 as well... haha...

spent christmass weekend and the long new year weekend at work... had no life and no time for anyone... even myself... sitting down in front of the monitor feeling nt so well...

bad day today... woke up late, clock in late but well survived it and had pretty good results in terms of sales and how the cafe was ran...

so here i m... and i decided to take a trip down memory lane and look at my 06 as a whole... after finally finding some time to quiet down and reflect

2006 has been a fairly good year...

i guess the key event of the year was meeting thomas and knowing him and being with him... many things happened between us in this year, lotsa unhappiness, disagreement and quiet moments... yet filling tis year up was also happiness, understanding, presence and quality moments... begin to realise tt i can't really see life without him... but well... i'm independent... we dun rely too much on him... maybe he on me when he ask me to pay for his stuff... but well... nt much also...

another key event of the year was the great 'earthquake' in my circle of frenz... lotsa major shifts to it and pple who were close are no longer close... pple who are far got closer, saw a different side to many of my frenz and revealed a different side to many of frenz...

also a major happening was the job i took from march and i'm gonna complete 1 year soon (can't wait... coz it means it is our 1st year together too) and rose thru the ranks to a position tt requires me to run the cafe... had my ups and downs there... had lotsa fun running it and learning stuff... lotsa fun wif the collegues and customers...

the biggest disappointment came from school... when i gt expelled by SP coz i failed my construction module 3 times... and the NS checkup was projected to be on the 9th of March... another disappointment was the trust and benefit of doubt i expect coming from some frenz but did not come, thus causing the 'earthquake'

others include my recent craze in WoW, the terrible fall of my grams (who is still in hospital) and the recent death of my granduncle and thomas' grandma...

2006 had proven to be a rather eventful year, fruitful yet tiring and i began to take life wif a bigger pinch of salt... and one step at a time... misery is not really in my dictionary right now and death is kinda far from my mind... found the inner child in me and had been entertaining him and thus, matured yet grew younger...

i guess in tis new year... it is onli logical to take time off and thank all tt had made a difference in my life:

for those who influenced me positively... thanks for being a beacon... u may think tt u did not do much... but u indeed had helped me thru the dark moments of life... i'm thankful for the company, trust and understanding displayed...
for those who influenced me negetively... thanks for helping me see the dark side of life... for helping me realise tt the bed of roses actually have thorns... for teaching me tt not all pple can be trusted no matter how they carry themselves... i'm thankful for the lessons...

and in tis new year... i resolve to nt have any resolutions... if i wanna do it... just do it...

(well seriously... it is coz i never completed any of the resolutions set in 2005 tt i really give up)

have a Merry 2007 my friends... and hopefully when 2008 come and Beijing host the Olympics, u will still be my friend... despite all tt had happened... and hopefully by then thomas and i will be celebrating our 2nd year together...

Speed - One More Dream

Lost~

2006-12-27T05:12:00.000+08:00

i dunno why... i'm feeling very lost suddenly... so let's just hope this entry will help me trace my feelings, thoughts and emotions to find out why... gonna babble on...

been reading some blogs that i had not have time to read... Dallas, Dom (it's gone), Andrew, Nicky&Chris (it's gone), issac&lenny, tim and sher (it's gone)...

i suddenly feel so out of touch with everybody in my life... people who matters to me no longer find me there... and myself... i no longer prove to be a reliable shoulder to lean on...

to think in the past... i have lotsa people to talk to... to care about and now... i no longer feel justified to ask them "how are you?" or "how are things going" coz i'm never there for them... the past 3 months had proved to be a great failure... i took up a full time job, failed terribly in being in charge... lost contact with many friends and just shown everyone how much of a failure i m...

Thomas was talkin to me on the phone and i told him (jokinly): "i dun care... i wan u to be free on the 10th of jan" and he was like "u wan me to be free i have to be... but u no need to" and it struck me... even he who matters most to me, i was not there for him... wad's more the other frenz who used to share so intimately with me... i have failed them...

i guess one of the things i care the most is how others see me... when i m no longer one whom they can see as a fren... but as an acquaintance... it affects me... then i work hard in trying to build it up again... only to lose it again coz of many other reasons... and soon i realise that many of them never became frens... just closer acquaintance...

many times i told myself... if they dun call you on their initiative... why bother... then i discovered it does bother... and i will always wanna get closer... just to find out tt well... i m not really tt important to many... and it hurts to only find out of things when i read it off somewhere... or when someone tell me... and when i ask... i can never find out...

i failed... 21 years of my life... i dun think i did succeed in anything... master of none...

many pple would gloat... i knew he would go into this... he is always like tt one lah... last time when we were still frenz he is better... now without me... he is like tt... aiyah... he is like tt since when we are first frens... aiyah... he is destined to be frenless... his personality suck... tt's why... well... thanks for pushing me deeper into agony... and i hope u feel better knowing tt i m going thru some inner turmoil... but if u actually think tt way... then u r not really a good person to begin with... and dun say u pity me... it is just an excuse to hide you gloating and make urself look good...

i do give thanks for some pple in my life... and as the year concludes... i would really wanna thank them:

Ally... thanks for always being there... for never blaming me when i forgot totally about ur birthday... for not askin me to explain coz u know me well enough not to misunderstand me... thanks for all the laughter u bring me... for being tt support and listening ear despite all i've done to you...

Douggy... thanks for being tt understanding fren u've always been... i forgotten about ur birthday too... and you too understood (yes, i'm still bitter abt it) you may nt really understand why i'm feeling tis way but u gave me the benefit of the doubt and trusted me... u tried to sympathise and 've been advising me alot in moments of needs... thanks for being a pillar...

Dom... thanks for the little actions tt made me feel appreciated... for everything tt made me feel a little more important than how i would otherwise feel... thanks for the smile, the sms with initiative... thanks for making my day...

Tim... thanks for remembering everything... for the little cheers tt push me forth... for all you've done for me... it may seem like nothing to you... but it is like everything to me...

Chong Jie... thanks for being someone who made me feel like who i used to feel... a fren who can be there... u have no idea how valuable tis feelin is... i guess i'm a sucker at this... i do need pple's recognition... and pple to babble at me and ask me how and wad to do...

i m still bitter over wad happened in may-june which turned my whole world around... i'm still affected by the happenings... i guess i've never really moved on... u may feel betrayed by me... but look from my point... so do i feel betrayed by you... and this whole incident caused a major shift in my circle of frenz... alot of pple have shifted themselves out of the circle... and tt shook me a lot... it is takin me a very long time to move along and truth be told... i may not be talkin abt it... i may not seem tt it matters... but it still does... i guess the reason why i'm not moving on is how much pain this had gave me which made me feel tt things can no longer be the same... and tt i can no longer put myself in the position to interact wif u in the same basis like before... u may be able to do tt but let's face it... things were not made until that ugly as compared to mine... and this whole incident had made me lost my credibilty and my standing in a group of pple who really matters to me... so much so tt we are not really keepin in much contact... of coz other things come into play as well... but tis was the start...

i can't help but to feel insignificant... yet tryin very hard to be boastful about myself... using nothingness to pretend tt i have everything in the future just to show off... my whole life is in a mess... i no longer know wad i wan and who i m... for crying out loud... i'm 21... i'm an adult... and i feel so much at lost... i dunno how to grow up... i dunno how to mature... i dunno anything anymore...

i'm losing all sense... i'm losing myself... i just wanna run... but i dunno where i can run to...

Kit Chen - Xuan Yao

Happy Boxing Day~

2006-12-26T02:19:00.000+08:00

for those who dunno... 26th Dec is actually boxing day... a day to open up ur boxes of present (thus boxing... but why not unwrapping day... sounds funny... nvm...)

an old english superstition... it is unlucky to open ur presents before the end of christmas, thus the day after christmas was designated to be the day u open all ur gifts... traditionally... pple will gather under the tree to unwrap their presents and share wif each other in the family how much they love the gift... tis is a very good family day, apart from thanksgiving, new year's day etc...

anyways... celebrated chirstmas last year sleeping... i was like "Fuck... wasted Christmas like tt"... this year i was like "Fuck, i prefer the way i spent Christmas last year..."

long story and kinda pissed by wad happened... and in particular... this group of (kinda obvious) ajs...

i know u r uncomfortable at ur seat... but it was the best tt we could have offered... u came too early and the only tables available are reserved and specially for 6 pax and above... i dunno when u r leaving... and i cannot put other reservation on stake just to pacify u or just because u r regulars... there is no need to keep picking on my staff... my manager may be sorry and gave u vouchers... but u should really thank God i was not handling tt situation... i would have bitch back... u can go complain... i dun care... the way i handle the show was ok... coz only u have complains... the rest of the complains came becoz of my manager's intervention which ultimately pushed every single one of my staff up the wall... the staff tt u picked on was already gracious enough...

anyways... apart from my manager and tt table... i enjoyed the crowd... my customers were understanding and did not make too much noise... and they enjoyed themselves... and i guess tt really matters at the end of the day...

i miss baby... he wished me merry christmas but i did not... sorry~ i was going crazy ... everything only quiet down abt 3am... by the time we were done... it was abt 4+ almost 5...

anyways... to all who matters to me (u know who u r)
Have a Blessed Christmas and a Fruitful New Year...

Sun Yan Zi - Yu Tian

Babbling in the Middle of the Night

2006-12-22T05:07:00.000+08:00

i wonder why baby moved our blog to the new blogger surver... i dun wanna do the switch... which means now i can't update tt blog... sigh~

been slackin quite a lot at work lately... nt really doing much but to just run the place and gt the kids to do the dirty work (sinister laughter)

i need new staff... wait... tt's nt wad tis is for...

the year is coming to an end... my full time job is coming to an end... i'm switching to part time soon... my NS checkup is on 9th march 2007 1.30pm (tis will remind me... and baby ... please remind me too...) the date is so close to our first year... lookin back at the past 9 months tt we've been together... i slowly realise tt i can't really live without him on my mind... i rememeber the first time he decided to retreat... i was so much at a lost... the second time was worse... i was desperate... almost cried when i saw him after his second retreat... i miss him... i miss holding him in my arms... i miss having his arms ard me... i miss his lips on mine... i owe him sooo much... all the time tt i could have spent wif him but i did not... all the time tt i gave to my work and not to him... all those time when we fought and it was my fault...

the new year is coming... and as the time for me to take stock approaches... i can only count my blessing to have found him... i never thought we would begin... i never thought we would be together... but as we progress... see where we are now...

i love you =)

anyways... all these aside... i can see the goosepimples already... i'll keep it to the minimum next time...

(gee... u jealous freaks... =P)

had lotsa fun lately... in the cafe working... and running it... coz now i m fully in charge of operations... i do scheduling... i run the cafe wif a collegue (he does events and floor management) i m in charge of the purchasing dept (scene = me see letter address to purchasing dept... me give to boss... boss give me back: u r the purchasing dept)

went for corrinne's concert and was 'wow-ed' by it... i mean WOW~ her voice was angelic and beautiful and it kinda sound better than her recorded... guess it is the emotion and the energy she gets from her audience... met a new guy daniel brought... avin... very nice guy... haha... friendly and cute (sorry baby...) and guess who i brought... jeremy~ hahaha... it was fun having him around...

gt addicted to playing WoW (World of Warcraft if u dunno... dumb...=P) and gt a new account... haha... who play WoW also... i now level 11 dark elf hunter...

oh... i've been reading issac aand lenny's blog... haha... funny~ we are diff... he can't touch robin and leon (nt tt he wans to touch it) and macy is his... i'll visit her once in a while... while caleb the camel (he's new) is mine... muahahahahahaha... oh nt to forget... ryan... the keeper of my keys... he is lookin at me now *waves at ryan*

well... i lost my mood to blog suddenly... i wonder why... geee... i guess i have to start blogging regularly before i totally lose it...

anyway... new song on my blog...

Angel in Disguise

I woke up this morning feeling kind of blue
and i stumbled out of bed and
dragged my feet across the room
Right outside my front door was a rose
and a note that said 'Somebody loves you'

But out on the street it starts to pour
and before i get soaking wet,
A total stranger runs to give me
the jacket off his back
I turn around to thank him
But he waves me with a smile
I can hardly believe my eyes
He puts on a halo and starts to fly

Take a look at the ordinary
Don't need to look at paradise
You could be next to
an angel in disguise

I met a good friend for lunch
and we had a delicious meal
But i forgot to bring my wallet
I felt like an imbecile
But she was sweet, she gave me a treat and
Bought me a chicken sandwich
To take home for tea

But out of the street with nothing to eat
A man and his shopping cart go
Travelling to places
Collecting social graces
I give him my sandwich
and we chatter for a while
I see a rainbow wash over his eyes
He gives me his halo and
I start to fly

Take a look at the ordinary
Don't need to look for paradise
You could be next to an angel in disguise

Don't try to hide away from me
I know you're by my side
Take a look at the ordinary

Don't need to look for Paradise
You could be next to
an angel in disguise

Everyday can be legendary
Every minute, an endless surprise
You could be next to an angel in disguise

I woke up this morning
Feeling kind of new.

Corrinne May - Angel in Disguise

new level?

2006-12-05T04:04:00.001+08:00

work is wearing me off and i told my manager i wanna switch part time and tt is when he dropped the bombshell on me:

i m expected to go for the inter-branch meeting...

and the other manager was:

she: did he tell u tt u r going for the meeting?
me: ya... can i say no?
she:(jumps in) i'll pick u up at 9.45am ok?
me: (gives up) sure...

really tired of the job... wanna step down man~

haha... been harpin on my job for so many entries... well the work is not bad... it is fun and stuff... just tired of the fact tt i have no life... i need a life... tt's all

anyways...

10th dec is coming... it is gonna be my 9th month wif thomas... we have nt been celebrating the other months together... i wanna celebrate wif him... but i guess the job is gonna eat up all my free time as usual...

i feel so bad towards many of my frenz and of coz thomas... i gt no time for them... my life is like this now:

1.wake up
2. wash up
3. rush out
4. work
5. count money
6. close
7. hang ard
8. go home
9. wash up
10. sleep

wif the occasional disruption when either we hang out later or i crash at my collegue's place...

zzzzzzz...

not in a blogging mood chan't torment pple... will update soon i guess...

tanya chua - yellow

So Long~

2006-11-29T01:23:00.000+08:00

it has been so long since i last blogged... coming form a person who enjoy blogging and see blogging as an outlet... tis is really rare... but well everything has its cause and mine is work... bleah~

it has been 2 months since i started as a full timer... and well things has been ok except the fact tt i literally have no time for anything at all... i wake up... go to work... reach home... sleep... wake up... work... home... sleep... i have no life~ and as it goes on... i slowly lose passion in the work... and it is slowly becoming a chore... adding onto tt... a part timer is getting similar pay (per hour) to me and is having more authority compared to me... and it is kinda pissing me off... esp. when the responsibility falls on me...

it is tiring and eating me up... and it is affecting my relationship wif thomas... i had not seen him for more than a month and i have not really been contacting him... i m feeling very guilty but i really cannot squeeze much time out... and on days tt i m free he is not free... but most of the time it is me tt is not free...

i have no time to meet any of my frenz (minus chong jie coz he always drop by marine parade for a few hours to chat up after my work) coz of work too... sorry Ally for not remembering ur birthday... not tt i deliberately forget... i really got too many things going on... Sorry Douglas for missing out on wishing u Happy Birthday... i m overwhelmed by so much stuff lately... to the two strongest support in my life... Happy Belated Birthday... may ur days be filled wif all the blessings from above as u live life wif joy and laughter, smiles and happiness... may ur every moment be sweet memories and fruitfulness fills every day... may ur 21 years tt had past be that of bliss and the 22nd year onwards be as u desire... happy birthday... and really... thank God for u in my life...

so... back to work... it has been very taxing on me and i have finally fallen ill... wif a little blocked ears, itchy throat and headache... i m still surviving well and still going to work... it is not killing me.. so it should make me stronger... been doing so much tt i lost sense of time and going to work is now like a routine and i dun really look forward to working anymore actually... so i've decided...

December will be the last month i'm working full time... come jan i'll convert back to part time and hopefully have more time for myself and thomas and my frenz and myself...

so anything major in my life? nah... i guess tt suck right?

sun yanzi - yu tian

A Song For XX

2006-11-09T04:24:00.000+08:00

Found this real nice old Ayumi song online...

A Song For XX (translation below)

doushite naite iru no
doushite mayotte ru no
doushite tachidomaruno
nee oshiete
itsu kara otona ni naru
itsu made kodomo de ii no
doko kara hashitte kite
nee doko made hashiru no

ibasho ga nakatta mitsukaranakatta
mirai ni ha kitai dekiru no ka wakarazu ni

itsu mo tsuyoi ko da ne tte iware tsudsukete ta
nakanaide erai ne tte homeraretari shite ita yo
sonna kotoba hitotsu mo nozonde nakatta
dakara wakaranai furi wo shite ita

doushite waratte ru no
doushite soba ni iru no
doushite hanarete ku no
nee oshiete

itsu kara tsuyoku natta
itsu kara yowasa kanjita
itsu made matte ireba
wakari aeru hi ga kuru

mou hi ga noboru ne sorosoro ikanakya
itsu made mo onaji tokoro ni ha irarenai

hito wo shinjiru koto tte itsu ka ura kirare
hanetsukerareru koto to onaji to omotte ita yo
ano koro sonna chikara doko ni mo nakatta
kitto ironna koto shiri sugite ta

itsu mo tsuyoi ko da ne tte iware tsudsukete ta
nakanaide erai ne tte homeraretari shite ita yo
sonna fuu ni mawari ga ieba iyu hodo ni
warau koto sae kutsuu ni natte ta

hitori kiri de umarete hitori kiri de ikite iku
kitto sonna mainichi ga atari mae to omotte ta

Translation
Why am I crying?
Why am I lost?
Why did I stop?
Please tell me
When will I grow up?
How long can I stay a child?
Where have I come running from?
Where am I running to?

I had no place to live. I couldn't find one.
I don't know if I could have any hope for the future.

They always said I was a strong child.
They praised me, saying "you must be strong to not cry."
I didn't want those words at all.
So I pretended not to understand.

Why are you laughing?
Why are you by my side?
Why are you leaving me?
Please tell me.

When did you become strong?
Since when have you felt weakness?
How long must you wait
for the day you understand to come?

The sun is rising. I must go soon.
I can't stay in the same place forever.

You will someday be betrayed by your trust in people.
I thought it was the same as being rejected.
At the time I didn't have that kind of strength.
I definitely knew too much.

They always said I was a strong child.
They praised me, saying "you must be strong not to cry."
The more people said things like that,
the more even laughing became agony.

I was born alone. I'll go on living alone.
thought that surely that kind of life is appropriate.

Darn unlucky week

2006-11-02T02:32:00.000+08:00

the past week was very unlcuky... here is a breakdown:

monday: did my show in nanyang girls... my mic spoil and the handheld mic like not on... have to use my voice instead of mic...
tuesday: while cookin... a bloat of boiling hot oil mysteriously 'jumped' out of the pan and scald my index finger (p/s: just recovered as in stop pus-ing)
wednesday: forgot all my lines totally... was feeling very low and was affected by the resident spirits in the cafe
thursday: alram clock stopped at 9.15am... wokr up at 2.30pm... work starts at 1.30pm...
friday: wanna update blog but it just can't seem to be able to publish...
saturday: was invaded by one of the resident spirit at the cafe while doing a reading...
sunday: screwed up my hosting for CDAC

tt was the f-king unlucky week for me...

I'm sorry thomas for being so busy... but i'm always here for you... sorry i can't be there...

been listening to Ayumi Hamasaki's Who... love tt song a lot... nothing happened dun worry... just tt i like the tune and the lyrics seem nice:

Hamasaki Ayumi - Who
uh~ lalala~
(uh~ lalala~)
uh~ lalalalala~
(uh~ lalalalala~)
tsurai tori dare ga soba ni ite kurete?
(When I was heart broken, who stayed by my side?)
dara no kata de namide o nagashite?
(On whose shoulder did i shed my tears?)
yorokobe wa dare to wakeatte?
(with whom did i share my joy?)
dare to te o toria atte kite ga?
(with whom did i hold hands?)
omoideshite iru yo
(I remember)

utari hanarete sugoshita yoru wa
(On the night we spent apart)
tsuki ga to o kude naita itayo
(The moon was far away and i was crying)
utari hanarete sugoshita yoru wa
(On the night we spent apart)
tsuki ga to mo kude naiteta
(The moon was far away and i was crying)

hontou no tsuyosa wa dare ga oshi ete ku rete?
(Who taught me true strength?)
yasashisa wa dare ga tsutae tete kureta?
(Who taught me kindness?)
dare ga ita kara aruko u to shite?
(On whose account do i walk?)
dare ni kami o nadete hoshi kata?
(Who did i want to stroke my hair?)
dare ga akiramenaide ite kureta?
(Who didn't give up on me?
watsurenai yo zutto
(I remember)

michi ni mayo otta toki soshite
(When i stray from the path)
michi ga to osugita toki ni
(When the path is too long)
hitori tsubuya ite ita yo
(I was mumbling to myself)
son na mono dato
(That's the way life is)

kore kara mo zutto kono utagoe ga
(I pray that this singing voice)
anata ni todoki masu yo o nito
(Will reach you)
kore kara mo zutto kono utagoe ga
(I pray that this singing voice)
anata ni todoku yo mo ri to
(Will reach you)

the vid is ok... just dun really like the 'thank-you-everyone' part...

better get to sleep soon...

will update asap...

zzzzzzzz...

hamasaki ayumi - who...

Darn Tired...

2006-10-18T01:33:00.000+08:00

darn tired of the many things tt is happenening...

never thought being a full timer is such tiring task... if u dun do ur job u gt scolded by the 'seniors'... if they dun their job... u r expected to do it for them... if u dun... u will gt scolding from the management...
u do too much u gt scolded for being dumb and spoiling pple's mood... if u dun do at all u gt scolded for nt doing ur job...

after a few staff left and that group became the main group of seniors... i feel tt i m really picked on... i dun really feel like before when i really belong with the previous group... sigh... i mean yes... tt group makes fun of me too... but then they make fun of everyone in the name of fun and everyone gt their fair share of being poked at... tis group... welll onli i gt poked at... they remain the 'unpokable'... well... as much as i say i dun care... i dun really like it...

i feel very detached lately... the other day when i went to the sgboyx SP thread... i really felt tt i no longer belong there... i really feel so detached... call me sensitive... be annoyed at me for feeling tis way... but i can't help but to feel tt i m nt important... tt i m nobody... when i run activities... no one much bothers to reply... when i say something no one really cares... no one really bothered abt the mamasan status... then i announced i m abdicating to another person and now tt person gts all the attention...

i know wad u r all gonna say... we dun feel tt way... tim thinks too much... he is too sensitive... he is always like tt... so moody... and so on... but really... call me egoistic... or label me with no confidence... but all i wan is some assurance and encouragement to make me feel tt i belong... tt i m useful... growing up in an environment when no ackowledgement is given will result in two things... either a person who no need any acknowledgements at all... or a person who will constant crave for ackowledgements... i m the latter... i dun like being picked on... poked at or put down all the time... even in the name of fun... yes i do it to myself sometimes... but when i stop or when i start to become uncomfortable... it means tt's the limit...

many pple dunno my limit... and i m being pushed... i dun like it...

i'm tired...

ye qian wen - zhen xin

wow!!!

2006-10-13T02:51:00.000+08:00

it has been almost a month since i last updated...

lotsa things happened in this one month...

i switched full time officially on 1st october and abt half a month later... i'm regretting it... wif all the things i'm expected to do and the responsibility on me and the nags and blames i get... sheesh...

i gt to have a rather intimate talk wif benny and i really enjoyed the talk... i must find one day to sit down and really talk to him... maybe after the exams when i have no pressures wadsoeva...

i managed to enjoy myself wif the simple pleasures of life... and to feel a little better after so much tt had happened...

made the decision to leave the SP thread...my reign is over... it is time for the youngsters to take over the thread and let them run the show... i'm no longer in SP and i will still join them... but the thread is not really where i should belong... afterall tt i've done... it feels to me tt i'm just like any other person and when the time is ripe for u to back off... u would have to back off gracefully...

many times... all tt i'm doing... i really feel like i'm trying to show off or something... and lately tis one song is on loop coz tt is really how i'm feelin...

陈洁仪 - 炫耀

我不知该说什么好
你的来去一直都没有预兆
这次你是带着笑还是藏着刀
别那样又用拥抱当酬劳
别那样用玩笑当圈套
我只求一个人一点自尊和骄傲
我不知该做什么好
这一切真的从没有预兆
这次你又带着笑而我只想逃
也许是你要的我不想要
也许是你要的我做不到
所以我一个人用空白填未来当作炫耀
没有后悔没有争吵再也不要苦苦的计较
就算瘦了也没什么不好话变少也很好
没有泪水没有煎熬
再也没有人让我吃不下睡不着
心碎了我还炫耀

我不知该做什么好
这一切真的从没有预兆
这次你又带着笑我还是想逃
也许是你要的我不想要
也许是你要的我做不到
所以我一个人用空白填未来当作炫耀
没有后悔没有争吵再也不要苦苦的计较
就算瘦了也没什么不好话变少也很好
没有泪水没有煎熬
再也没有人让我吃不下睡不着
心碎了我还炫耀
受伤的字眼搁浅在唇边不要你悱恻敷衍

没有后悔没有争吵再也不要苦苦的计较
就算瘦了也没什么不好话变少也很好
没有泪水没有煎熬
再也没有人让我吃不下睡不着
心碎了我还炫耀

however... days are fun and work is fun though tiring... it is sad to see guys whom i enjoy workin wif going to the army... but well... i m sure we will keep in touch...

i need to sleep... tmr full... saturday full...

have fun guys... i'll try to have fun...

happy 7th month baby... 8th month coming!!!

陈洁仪 - 炫耀

back finally...

2006-09-17T04:30:00.000+08:00

have not been online lately coz my internet has been cranky and i could not connect... so those who were trying to reach me via online means... i'm sorry...

well a few happy things...
my grams is feeling better... and my days are finally loosening up...
able to spend time with my friends around me...

and these few days were kinda fun... random order but well these are some things tt had happened so far...
made sweet potato soup for dar as his 6th month gift for him and bought him a game... but hear wrongly so end up buying wrong game... nvm... next time will buy a good one...
met jeremy boo for sushi buffet and then down to settlers before i started work... taught him a few games... had fun talking, chillin and playing games

met anthony, andrew, dom, daniel, bastian and his daniel, jeremy after service (Hope S'pore 15th Anniversary at the Expo) today for a movie to celebrate anthony's b'day... spoke to dom, bastian and his daniel, anthony, jer abt the latest disagreement i had wif thomas and they all told me similiar things... tt i should not be angry wif thomas... coz i have fault too... and tt thomas is trying to let me cool down and not remind me of the thing tt had happen, lest we quarrel again... and tt i should understand thomas too... coz i may have touched a raw nerve and spoke abt something tt will agitate him easily... and tt i m the older one and i should give in to him... and tt i should call or sms him soon... well... i'm not really angry wif him anymore... i sound a little agitated coz i'm upset... we watched banquet and it is a good show... kinda deep and requires some thinking... jeremy thinks the camera angle and stuff was bad... but well... not my kinda thing... so i dunno...

but today is fun chillin and chatting with the guys... esp. wif dom haha... and i think i made andrew angry abt a topic we were discussing... I"M SORRY!!!

tanya - true colors

half a year later

2006-09-10T01:04:00.000+08:00

we have been together for 6 months already...

suddenly 6 months have past with him... we started of thinking that we will only be friends... we ended up dating each other and the next thing we know... we r together for 6 months...

thruout this 6 months there have been times when he has been a little unbearable... there have been times when i was a little unbearable... yet thru this six month... we held onto each other... believing and trusting each other to be there for one another...

there are times when i wan him to do more for me... there are times when i have been a little too demanding... there are times when he is not doing enough... there are times when he dun satisfy... yet we believe in each other and love each other... beyond a feeling... we held onto each other...

i ook forward to many half years with u dar...

i'm back~

2006-09-04T23:07:00.000+08:00

did u all miss me?

was away for a long long time right? updates...

Chalet from 25th to 29th
a fun chalet... the first night was a more like a forum outing... played a very fun game but it was made boring due to the trivia... thanks andrew and dom for checkin in for me... thanks manfred, bastian, daniel, daniel, adrian, ivan and jeremy for coming and keeping me company for the first night... thanks for collaborating with thomas for the surprise
the second night was a little more intimate when closer frenz came... thanks tim and stead, ally and gerald, andrew and dom, greg, ezekiel and fren and jeremy and... hmmm... i can't remember... after so long... thanks sher and john for dropping by... must take care ok? thomas and i worried...
the third night was like a family outing... my sister in law and her bf dropped by and we had fun chilling...

Meetings
the final lap before the camp... we finalised many details and prepared the files and stuff then we started to countdown to the camp...

Chalet 30-31st
chalet was fun wif my poly frenz, collegues and a couple of new frenz made at siok rou's chalet... dar dropped by after his work and was very tired... did not join in the fun wif me, jeremy, lisa, roselle and ben (all except jer are siok rou's fren i made at her chalet)... played many diff kinda card games and started doing many fun forfeit... the most fun? seeing jer and ben kiss.. muahahahaha...

Celebration @ Settlers
the staff of settlers came down to settlers on 31st to celebrate my b'day again...

Discover 2006
held in evergreen primary, i ran tis camp for the p5s... it was a fun experience and first time i m camp commandant
the decision making and stuff was a real killer and when trouble surfaced i have to stand up and faced them... wow... really learnt a lot abt myself and had to change alot of the way i do things coz they are kids and stuff... the leaders i work wif were supportive except one... and i had a lot of fun... hope the p5s will remember me... haha

Hosting
hosted the CDAC education department's event and learnt alot from Kim... the main host... must be more confidence while on stage and not fidget too much... wow... working wif her is great... saw lotsa improvisation on how she will make the crowd more rowdy and stuff... it has been very educational and rewarding working wif her... and the best thing abt her... she is exprience and it is her job... but she is doing it for free for CDAC...

well tt's the past few days in a nutshull.. now the gifts...

cookie from manfred
ok i ate it before i remember i wanna take a pic of it... so imagine the cookie from famous amos...

T-Time from Tim and stead
my second most fav present coz i really wanted it... now i'm lacking S.H.E forever... did not take a pic of it coz i'm listening to it and the cd cover was on the table and i forgot then i did not snap the pic

Billabong H/P strap from Greg
so sweet of greg to get me something similiar to his... haha... nice strap now must find a way to put it on my phone... no pics coz i could not find it while i was taking the rest of the pics

tshirt from adrian

i like the twentyfour seven idea... haha

bookmark and badge from daniel and bastian

i told dar tt i think the bookmark from dan and the badge from bastian coz bastian more naughty than dan... i was proven wrong... dan chose both gifts... haha... dan is more naughty than we think

cup and photo frame from ezekiel

we were all wondering wad to do wif such a small cup... haha

now the big question... wad photo to put in?

guess t-shirt from sher and john

i love the color of the shirt and stuff... just need to make myself look sexy before i wear it coz it is kinda elastic

organiser from... i can't remember... sigh~

one of my personal favorites... i used it for camp... haha

billabong pencil case from settlers collegues

nice expensive looking big...

esprit tshirt from settlers boss

nice shirt... i was surprise she buy for me actually

cup from naomi

a student i worked with when in another camp... she was so sweet she got me a real nice gift

tshirt from church frenz

i invited a lot of them but they missed it due t a last min meeting... sigh nvm... 2 gals came and gt me tis real nice tshirt... thanks!

AND NOW...
my FAVORITE gift coz of its meaning...

EMBRACE by Thomas

i love tis one... it came wif a rose buti did not manage to capture it on pic...

now the random celebration shots...
taken in camp... my leaders celebrated for me in camp... haha

at settlers on my b'day eve...

in the chalet on 30th aug

my dar looks so cute when sleepin... haha...

tis year's b'day was so much better than my past years thaks to all the frenz who made it special to me...
thanks douglas for never failing to remember...
thanks ally for coming to club wif me coz it's my b'day... haha
thanks gerald for coming and bringing me to club
thanks to all who turned up for the chalets and those who celebrated my b'day
thanks dar for being there for me and for loving me
thank you God for never giving up on me...

jolin - wu niang

I'm sick

2006-08-22T00:17:00.000+08:00

I've fallen ill... flu... stuff nose... sore throat... and the best part... i lost my voice... then i could not find a replacement for my show... as such i prayed... and God made an opening by postponing it... God's mysterious ways... interesting... recently there are pple who are asking me to return to Hope... and i m contemplating... but well... i kinda decide tt i ain't really going back... i would most likely go to my grandma's church soon... and will go there once in a while to visit and sit in their service... just dunno wad kinda feelin it would be... things are no longer the same...

i gonna quit my gelato job soon... i gt into real serious trouble... i kinda lost my voice on sunday so i did not go to work... i msg boss kinda last min coz it was sunday itself tt i decided tt i can't really go to work and he was real pissed... when i gt my sis to call him to tell him i can't work... all my sis said was "i'm Tim's sister" and he said "no need to come work" and he hanged the call... i reckon it is real bad so i decided tt i would quit anyway... since it is real tiring and i wanna start going to church on sundays...

i kinda gt better in the evening and had dinner with Gerald... then he asked me to join him in clubbing and after a while i decided to say yes... since it is a new club i've never been to... attica... it is nice... but wad i like better than the club was its chill out bar downstairs... gonna drag a few frenz there to chill and chat one day then go up to club then down again to chill haha... saw andy there and his fren jason... nice guy...

went for a couple of frenz chalet on saturday... kinda fun... esp. siok rou's chalet... met a few nice frenz and a junior... yong bi... my gaydar went off when i saw him... really think he is aj... will get to know him better to see if i can fish anything out... but other than tt... welll it was lotsa fun...

counting down to my b'day... i dunno... i dun really look forward to it... i told gerald... it would be the last time i'm celebrating my b'day... after tis year... my b'day would be like any other day... if it is remembered ok... if not... i'm fine...

i miss you thomas... i really do... will u see me soon? will u be there at the chalet? will u celebrate my birthday with me? will u hold me tight in the period i feel most vulnerable? thomas... i love you... i miss you...

ayumi hamasaki - who...

I'm Better

2006-08-18T15:47:00.000+08:00

Time goes by so slowly when u r not in a good mood... Time flies when u r enjoying it... Time speeds when u r desperately hoping for more time to get things done...

Things are getting better... Dar msged me the other day... askin wad color i like and wad flowers i prefer... my grams is feeling better and it is no longer tt emotional draining to see her...

things was bad... when i first visited her in the hospital i really wanna cry... the night before when she first fell and in tt pain... i could not stop crying... then seeing her in the hospital i tried to supress my tears... i called the first person in mind... he sound so distant... it hurts so much...

thru the next few days it was pure pain... and the desperate attempt to hide tt pain... to let everyone know i'm fine...

i've fallen ill now... the headache... the sore throat... the desire to sleep in coz of the weakness i'm feeling... yet it is also tis coulpe of days when things are improving...

my drama lesson was ok... i made improvements according to Benny... i m beginning to release myself... a little at a time... not enough but a good start... my hyflux play was ok... i performed to the whole sch in east spring sec and altho i fell and it hurt... i was able to carry on the play wif more energy... it was a little better than before and there is room for improvement... but nvrtheless it is a good step ahead...

my grams is able to talk wif more energy and not feel nauseous and weak all the time... altho it hurts to see her in pain when she tried to move... the cast seem to make it less painful for her... and she was able to nag at me... how i miss it altho i dun really like it...

somethings however dun change...
my brother for example... woke up late then called his officer to tell him tt he needs to take urgent leave coz grams is transferring from CGH to St Andrew's Com Hospital... i remember clearly the responsibility is mine... but since he wanna do it... fine he can... so i woke up a little later to settle the waiver application from the polyclinic... then went to the hospital... he was like "you have no idea how much work i've done for her" tt really pissed me off...
1. why call her cheebye and stuff when she is at home and not respect her and do work for her... why blame her for making u late when she ask u to eat lunch she already prepared 1 hr beforehand when it is u who refuse to seperate urself frm the computer...
2. it is suppose to be my job... i nvr force u to take it... why sound like it is my fault tt u r doing it... u woke up late and used grams as an excuse and now u r blaming me... i m suppose to do it not u ok... since u wanna do it... dun blame me for it...
3. so u have been doing things for her and i've not been... i have been running ard from marine cres to marine parade polyclinic and then to St Andrew's while u just went from CGH to St Andrew's which is simply seperated by a bridge... the sun at the time i was doing my moving ard was hot, glaring and the bus was so freaking hot... so wad u do is work and i'm doing nonsense?

FUCK~

tanya chua - yellow

Our 5th Month

2006-08-12T03:02:00.000+08:00

Things are at a stand still for us now... and i dunno if things will improve or not... i dunno wad is wrong and he said he will tell me when the time is right... and all i can do is wait... and take tt break... since he wans a break, a breather... i will give him tt breather...

It is late at night
Who is it that is keeping you awake, counting you wounds
Why leave the lights on before sleeping
If you dun wanna say, i wun ask

i guess it is a little too much... and i m being driven to the wall... i dunno why he can just tlke a break like tt... it is not always abt you... it is abt us... sometimes u just can't have things your way... wad abt me? have u ever spared a thought for me?

If you love too deeply, you can't balance
Troubled by love will only torture your soul
Love when you have to, hate when you have to
Save a little of yourself for yourself

i m feeling a little vex and emotional because of tt... and i dunno how long i can last... the break may lead to a break up... but right now... i m waiting... i m gonna hold on till the last straw within me tt makes me give up and let go totally...

Love may be a responsibility but you have to give completely
Sometimes love is beautiful cause it is not forever
As tiring love is, it is as painful
If you love bravely, let go boldly

Adding onto the thing was my grandma... she had a fall the other night and fractured her thigh bone (or smth) and she was like "i wanna die" "i'm useless" and stuff like tt... and i had an emotional breakdown... i just could not stop crying... so much so tt i had to stay home instead of going to the hospital with her... and the first person in my mind i wanna turn to is thomas... but well... he seem so distant now...

i dun get it... where is the guy who will smile at the very sight of me... who gt so excited coz i paid him a visit while he worked? where is the guy who will msg me sweet nothings once in a while to make me feel important... who will make me feel unique and special? where is the guy who wanna share life with me... who wanna be part of my every moment?

Ironically... it is gonna be my 21st birthday... the birthday which is the most significant... when u r finally declared an adult... the day when u are legally free from ur family and you can do wad u wan coz u r ur own responsibility... it is a big day... and the day tt u must feel real happy... but i dun...

everything is going on downhill...

i'm not ok... but just take it tt i'm fine ok?

Sandy Lam - Shang Hen

Crying Out...

2006-08-02T02:38:00.000+08:00

i have nt cried for so long... the last time was on our 2nd month...

it has been abt 2 weeks since we have nt spken to each other... i sent him 3 msgs... i guess it is too little... i wanna give him his break... but i dun wanna leave him alone... i dunno wad to do...

the worrying... the longing... the missing...

time is a great healer, yet also a great pain... as time goes by... wounds recover and longing deepens... hurt forgetton but pain replays... numbs the senses yet makes feelings more sensitive... time... oxymoronic...

i've been doing a lot of work lately... CDAC, Settlers, School Eduplay and beginning to try to numb myself... yet... the longing makes it harder to leave him alone...

all have been ok though... got some work completed but have not been feeling too well... the pain is eating into my very being...

and it is worsen by the fact tt my b'day is coming... my 21sr b'day... and thinking back... i dun really have much frenz... how many would call me on their own initiative? Ally and Doug only... and Royston, Dominic and Bastian who would MSN me once in a while... no other fren would contact me if i dun contact them... why must it be me who takes the first step? why can't we share the responsibility? why is it always me who must go contact u if something happens (ok... tis is history... i shan't brig it up)... all i wan is frenz... frenz who would remember me once in a while and call me out for tea and a chat... is it too much to ask for? i'm nt even asking for anyone to be there in my lonliest times... just to call me and have a short chat... to perk my day... to tell me ur troubles, feelings and thoughts... and listen to me whine and joke...

ignore me... i'm used to it anyway...

gotten the list of schools for the play...
Isaac: i'm going to FTPSS
Sher: i'm going to compassvale
watch out for me ok?

speed - walking in the rain

Misconception

2006-07-26T17:11:00.000+08:00

i'm talking to my loyal fan Chris online and he told me abt this fren of his who after finding out he is aj cut ties wif him... i have tis experience before... one of my really good fren cut ties with me after finding out... one slwoly drifted away and i get the geez... a few remained frens but was very prejudice...

so... i'm gonna clear some misconceptions here... some tt i've encounter and u will be surprise with how stupid some pple can get... but before tt... something interesting and fitting into the theme...

you see... pple dun really know us... and they think they do... really... you straight pple think you know everything and are always so supreme and above it all... (ok not all of you... just those arrogant immature straight pple who goes ard attackin sexuality)

1. We do not devour anything wearing pants.
Girls wear pants too... ok old joke... but the truth is this... just like you straight guys have preference... so do we... u wun have sex with just abt any other women would you? same here... yeah... i admit... there are guys who would have sex with anyone... but tt applies to the straight community too... and hey~ wad makes you think i would rape you while u r sleeping... do u really think u r tt attractive? tt is the BIGGEST thing abt straight pple tt pissed me off...

2. Not majority of us have AIDS thank you.
If you check the records... majority of the AIDS patients are straight... AIDS was not created to eradicate the gays... looking at how the first human transmission took place... it would suggest tt AIDS was to eradicate the straight... afterall the first AIDS case between humans was beween a guy and a gal... and majority of AIDS victim are straight pple... and tis is a misconception too... really... despite all the education... there are pple who think tt AIDS is passed thru sharing of food... gosh... STUPID! and a waste of the govt effort to educate pple...

3. We are not monsters.
tt is wad i wanna say for soooo long... are we monsters? do we have a horn somewhere or a tail kept under our pants? the last time i checked... we are like any other guys... just tt we like pple of the same gender... tt's all... are pple who like the stinky beancurb monsters? "Oh my gosh... you eat tt... you monster... i'm gonna cut all ties with you" you probably wun talk to him for an hour or two after he eats the beancurb tt's all... it is a matter of preference... so it appears tt i prefer guys over girls... tt's all... i dun pee thru my fingers and eat with my ass... so why cut ties with someone who is not straight?

4. We do not go around declaring we are gays and tt everyone seen with us are gays too...
ok apart from the minority who will go ard very open with their sexuality... most of us dun... but the excuse i keep hearing... "only two of us? wait pple think i m gay how?" tt is funny... for starters... how do they know i m gay? i dun go ard announcing tt i m one? and if they know i'm gay... they would probably be gay too... and the circle is not tt big... they should know u r not... and even if they think u r... we will tell them u r not... unless u r hiding some truth... i mean if everyone (even the striaght pple themselves) think tt u r gay... maybe u r but just living in denial... and the greater concern is this... wad if someone thinks i m an asshole becoz i'm out wif one...

ok... tis is the 4 tt i have in mind so far... i wanan do 5 but i guess i'll spare all of u... having said all these i wanna make another point...

not all straight pple are like tt... i've really good frenz who are straight and ok with it... a very good example is my da jie Ally and her stead Ricko... they are perfectly find with going out with me and letting me eat their food and wadeva... there are straight pple who are very supportive of us coz they know tt some idiots just dunno us well and see us as a threat to mankind when they themselves are tt threat...

anyways... if u r not those pple... there is no need to feel offended... but comment and tag anyways... if u r those pple... i'm nt interested in wad u have to say... so dun say anything...

maybe i should make tis a meme... so tagging u for tis meme:
Chris
Andrew
Dominic

and if u dunno wad tis meme is abt is tis: misconceptions of the gay community

raine yang - ai mei

Love

2006-07-26T16:43:00.000+08:00

well... since dar gave his views about love... so will i... ain't fighting or anything... so dun worry...

first the agreement...
love to me is beyond a feeling but a commitment to each other... to be there for each other no matter wad happens... i guess my fav example is a mother and a baby... when a baby wakes up in the middle of the night crying and the couple tries to convince the other to go tend to the baby the mother will not feel like loving the child but rather sleep... does tt mean tt the mum dun love the child? no... the mum still wakes up and tend to the child... it is a commitment beyond a feeling... when the child throws tamtrum and argues with the mum and the mum dun feel love but anger... does tt mean tt the mum dun love the child? no... the mum still prepares food and wash his clothes and stuff... it is a commitment beyond a feeling... and to me... tt is love... beyond just a mere feeling of affection... but to commit to it and despite it all be by his side... and to be by his side is to allow him to know tt even if u dun meet up... u r always there for him... just like a child knows his family is always there for him (maybe except my family but i digress) the feeling of having him there... the sense of company and presence...

now the disagreement...
true enough... sometimes in the relationship... talking is optional... just being there for each other is better than talking... but when something happens if u really care for the person... you would wanna share his burden... and i always believe shared burden is half burden... and sometimes... i wun wanna just sit beside you to 'share' ur burden... but to hear u tell me wad is bugging u... even if i can't solve it for u... at least i can go thru the agony with you... you know... sometimes when i just sit down there... i feel so worthless... coz i can't do anything to help u except sitting down there... to u it is enough but to me... no... and the celebration? well it is just to create more memories and remember and to have more reasons to spend time wif the other party... coz at the end of the day... it would be memories we would be looking back to and not sitting by each other times...

s.h.e - tian hui

happenings on 220706

2006-07-24T22:18:00.000+08:00

I started wanting to find X-men special ending and ended up watching Yu Le Bai Fen Bai and Kang Si Lai Le on youtube...

haha... youtube is full of surprises... weee...

anyways... met Chong Jie, Ken, Ally to celebrate Chong Jie's B'day... was able to push my work commitment away coz as always i try to gt someone to cover my duties if something is in the midst of confirmation...

went to settlers central and had lotsa fun playing simple games like jenga and taboo... and yeah... it has been a long time since we went out and chat and chill like tt... pity dar cannot join us... it would be lotsa fun...

anyways... happy birthday Chong Jie (although it is over) and Happy belated birthday kero...

jolin tsai - wu niang