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i dunno why... i'm feeling very lost suddenly... so let's just hope this entry will help me trace my feelings, thoughts and emotions to find out why... gonna babble on... been reading some blogs that i had not have time to read... Dallas, Dom (it's gone), Andrew, Nicky&Chris (it's gone), issac&lenny, tim and sher (it's gone)... i suddenly feel so out of touch with everybody in my life... people who matters to me no longer find me there... and myself... i no longer prove to be a reliable shoulder to lean on... to think in the past... i have lotsa people to talk to... to care about and now... i no longer feel justified to ask them "how are you?" or "how are things going" coz i'm never there for them... the past 3 months had proved to be a great failure... i took up a full time job, failed terribly in being in charge... lost contact with many friends and just shown everyone how much of a failure i m... Thomas was talkin to me on the phone and i told him (jokinly): "i dun care... i wan u to be free on the 10th of jan" and he was like "u wan me to be free i have to be... but u no need to" and it struck me... even he who matters most to me, i was not there for him... wad's more the other frenz who used to share so intimately with me... i have failed them... i guess one of the things i care the most is how others see me... when i m no longer one whom they can see as a fren... but as an acquaintance... it affects me... then i work hard in trying to build it up again... only to lose it again coz of many other reasons... and soon i realise that many of them never became frens... just closer acquaintance... many times i told myself... if they dun call you on their initiative... why bother... then i discovered it does bother... and i will always wanna get closer... just to find out tt well... i m not really tt important to many... and it hurts to only find out of things when i read it off somewhere... or when someone tell me... and when i ask... i can never find out... i failed... 21 years of my life... i dun think i did succeed in anything... master of none... many pple would gloat... i knew he would go into this... he is always like tt one lah... last time when we were still frenz he is better... now without me... he is like tt... aiyah... he is like tt since when we are first frens... aiyah... he is destined to be frenless... his personality suck... tt's why... well... thanks for pushing me deeper into agony... and i hope u feel better knowing tt i m going thru some inner turmoil... but if u actually think tt way... then u r not really a good person to begin with... and dun say u pity me... it is just an excuse to hide you gloating and make urself look good... i do give thanks for some pple in my life... and as the year concludes... i would really wanna thank them: Ally... thanks for always being there... for never blaming me when i forgot totally about ur birthday... for not askin me to explain coz u know me well enough not to misunderstand me... thanks for all the laughter u bring me... for being tt support and listening ear despite all i've done to you... Douggy... thanks for being tt understanding fren u've always been... i forgotten about ur birthday too... and you too understood (yes, i'm still bitter abt it) you may nt really understand why i'm feeling tis way but u gave me the benefit of the doubt and trusted me... u tried to sympathise and 've been advising me alot in moments of needs... thanks for being a pillar... Dom... thanks for the little actions tt made me feel appreciated... for everything tt made me feel a little more important than how i would otherwise feel... thanks for the smile, the sms with initiative... thanks for making my day... Tim... thanks for remembering everything... for the little cheers tt push me forth... for all you've done for me... it may seem like nothing to you... but it is like everything to me... Chong Jie... thanks for being someone who made me feel like who i used to feel... a fren who can be there... u have no idea how valuable tis feelin is... i guess i'm a sucker at this... i do need pple's recognition... and pple to babble at me and ask me how and wad to do... i m still bitter over wad happened in may-june which turned my whole world around... i'm still affected by the happenings... i guess i've never really moved on... u may feel betrayed by me... but look from my point... so do i feel betrayed by you... and this whole incident caused a major shift in my circle of frenz... alot of pple have shifted themselves out of the circle... and tt shook me a lot... it is takin me a very long time to move along and truth be told... i may not be talkin abt it... i may not seem tt it matters... but it still does... i guess the reason why i'm not moving on is how much pain this had gave me which made me feel tt things can no longer be the same... and tt i can no longer put myself in the position to interact wif u in the same basis like before... u may be able to do tt but let's face it... things were not made until that ugly as compared to mine... and this whole incident had made me lost my credibilty and my standing in a group of pple who really matters to me... so much so tt we are not really keepin in much contact... of coz other things come into play as well... but tis was the start... i can't help but to feel insignificant... yet tryin very hard to be boastful about myself... using nothingness to pretend tt i have everything in the future just to show off... my whole life is in a mess... i no longer know wad i wan and who i m... for crying out loud... i'm 21... i'm an adult... and i feel so much at lost... i dunno how to grow up... i dunno how to mature... i dunno anything anymore... i'm losing all sense... i'm losing myself... i just wanna run... but i dunno where i can run to... Kit Chen - Xuan Yao In Solitude at 5:12 am 0 shared in solitude | ||||||||||||