maystar * designs |
there will be no logical flow... no grouping of ideas... just babbles and senseless linkage and delusions... i apologise for the long post... but i need somewhere to express some writings to gather my own thoughts... skip this entry if u dun wanna read it... it is ok... really... my mind has been in a mess lately... i dunno why but i can't help feeling a little confused and lost in my own train of thoughts... dun ask how it started and why it started but it is beginning to improve coz of thursday's performing lesson... instead of the normal performing lesson benny spent a big amt of time talking to me and told me alot abt himself and a few interesting observations and questions were posed... why do i wanna go into drama? well i guess it is an escape of my life... all this while i seek a reprieve from the world that i live in and and escape from the cruel environment i'm in... and if it cannot be done practically... i can only live in my delusion and rely on theatre to escape that... it also gives me an opportunity to be who i will never be... rich, attractive, clever anything... all in the hands of the script and director, yet freedom for me to play them as i wish... sense of meaning in confident in life... and the recognition i so desire, nt to be put down but to be lifted up... i guess all along in my life i had been put down... till that i dare not appear weak... i remember being sick when i m young and i was always told to wait till the next day to go to the polyclinic... alone... and if my dad were to bring me to the doctor, he would scold me for falling sick... insisting tt i was fine but lookin for excuse to hide from school... i nvr really recovered from my illnesses... just suppresed it... there was once i had a fever and he brought me to the doctor... the doctor, as usual trying to assure a parent said i was fine, just fever... nth a little medication and rest can't fix... on my way home, he kept claiming i m faking it... the doctor said i was fine and i just wasted money seeing a doctor... and subsequently... i begin to see doctors with money either maternal grams gives me or in recent years my own money... i was left to fend for myself after my mum's death... when trouble comes either i gt no support or i gt trashing instead... when i was in p 3 or 4 i wanna celebrate my b'day wif my classmates but after that, for a few years, i kept getting trashing from my paternal grandma and dad for wasting time and money and energy... no one in my family really remembers my birthday except for my maternal grams... until recent years my sister begins to remember it and tries to make an effort to celebrate it with me... when things happened in school... i was left to account for myself... and when my sis gt into trouble, i took over the role my dad and bro is suppose to play... all these while... i onli gt putting down, challeneged and ignored by my dad... i guess ultimately... despite alli say or do... i desire the recognition from tt one person who i guess will never give me tt recognition... challenging him with my own ideas, doing things my way... just to hear him say "well u did it"... but it never came... benny mentioned that i keep things to myself and not open up... i guess it is abt being so vulnerable when u really open up to pple... starters, they see me in a light tt was not normally protrayed... and i dun really wanna be seen as a weak guy... afterall... i was left to fend for myself... any signs of weakness will put me into a bad position... secondly, after all i've lost... i fear losing... if i open myself too much to a person and lose him... i will have to go thru the pain again... so i m pretty selective abt who i'm open to... i did have a few pple i'm very open to and well... many of them, either due to my foolishness or their pride, decides to turn away... putting me thru the pain i so fear facing... and yes... those who knows... the situation between jeslyn and i had affected me alot... i may not had handled it the best way it should be handled... but the way she handled it had hurt me a lot too...which is why... i doubt things can ever be the same again for the both of us... a broken cup mend together will still have cracks visible... it may add new design to the cup but it is undeniable tt it will never be the same cup again... i m moving on... nt totally but still managing to let go slowly... benny is right... many times i feel very lonely and i m pretty much a lone person... after all i've been thru... i forced myself to be self sufficient... i forced myself to be authoritative... i became delusional and i guess many pple cannot accept me as a team player... i dunno but pple dun really like staying by my side for a long time... when i was in St Pat's i dun have much close frenz... just a handful... when i was in TP... i was a lone ranger... when i m in SP onli a few would associate themselves with me... but nt much contact even... pple ask me why i lose motivatio in school... when u are a little outcasted and u just cannot do something right... u really have no confidence and mood to carry on... u may think otherwise... u may tell me otherwise... u may advice me otherwise... but u r nt me... even if i put u thru all the things i have been thru... u may nt react like me... i guess tt is when everybody is unique... however... i begin not to detest myself for all tt had happened... i guess it is becoz i know i m unique... special... only one in the world... benny said this to me: not everyone can do it like u coz only u have that emotion that u wanna protray... this session helped cleared a lot of my thoughts and align a lot of my randomness... things he said made sense suddenly and made me feel differently now... and now... the confusion is dissipating... the train seem to be on track... and i seem to be able to perform my 4 pieces better... a few names needs special mention... i uess they are the ones who had made it thru many list and still appears on it... no new names... just some old names tt keep appear and never seemed to have left it... even though they may not feel tt way... Douglas and Ally... onli two actually... one since sec sch and one from the most unlikely place to get a fren... tuition class... i guess i'm a wordy person... too much words sometimes... but well... i m not one who would post much pictures... so just bare with it... a picture may paint a thpusand words but words without pictures brings forth more room for imagination... it is an age long debate... let's not start it... haha... gotta prepare for school... 8 am make up lessons... no we dun learn how to make up... it is more like a revision class kinda thing... s.h.e - tian hui seem to be listening to tis song alot lately In Solitude at 5:43 am 0 shared in solitude | ||||||||||||