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today is new year's eve... today is the last day of 2005... today is the day i will conclude the year as a whole (the previous posting had onli a short summary of my year) 2005 has been an eventful year... this year had been one which stirs great emotions and thoughts in my heart... my studies took a turn... for the worse in this year till i totally lost my original class... i've seen people stabbing me in my back... i've had my hopes of making new frens broken by the class i was assigned to... yet in the same year i was assigned to another class which allows me to make new frenz who eventually became my mahjong frenz... haha... now everything is stablising with this group of frenz who is always there to encourage me... not to forget my original frenz from my original class... my results are kinda under control and the knowledge that i can try my best and have the class encouraging me really assures me... well if i fail again... i would have to bid poly good bye and head off to NS but i m kinda prepared... my personal life took another turn... i've seen close frenz turning their back at me coz of wad they think is my fault and not wanting to see things from my point of view... i've seen fren who drifted away from me... and yes i see all these as my fault... i've again and again pissed frenz off and then regret... knowing well tt if i dun do it... it wun happen at all... yet in the same time... i've seen other frenz draw closer and make an effort to wanna know me better... it is tough for them but they tried... and as things go by... i realise that i forgotten how to make frenz and how to mature a frenship... i've lost the touch and the childlikeness and i forgotten... i left my church due to personal reasons and left behind much pain... but wad hurts me the most is how they are reacting to it... first they ignore me... only those closer to me acknowledged me... the rest of the people ignored me... they treat me as if i dun exist... i mean i know u... how about a smile of acknowledgement... but no... then they start spreading rumours about me... i dunno if they are rumours or if that they seen me using the tarot cards then start spreading... or if they found out i'm aj and start spreading... but the fact tt they start spreading things about me is kinda painful... imagine tt someone know something about u and starts spreading it around... even if it is the truth... it hurts... why must something about me me made known to others by someone else... esp. if it is something i dun wanna share... it hurts to see the pple i once call family do tt... and it is not the first time pple say things about me... sigh~ this year has been a painful year... the lonliest year and the year which i really feel the most worthless... i made mistakes again and again and keep telling myself not to... but keep doing... i always thought i will push this a little further then stop... a little wun hurt right? NO... a little plus a little plus a little= alot... when u push things further like tt... it normally will get things out of hand... to think of it... reading thru the whole blog... all 152 post (plus this 153) are all negetive whining... i guess i m a very negetive and emotional person... and this place is where i just release all my bottled feelings... it hurts the emotional pain within... the fact tt i m always heard but do they listen... if i show attitude pple will turn and bark at me... blaming me.. why show attitude not happy is it... balck face etc etc etc... but when pple give me attitude... i can't bite back... coz it would be my fault all over again... i have lost my identity thruout these years... i m no longer the guy who stood firm by his belief and his stands but already become the fence sitter... so wad if i make resolutions seriously... i never keep them... one of the resolution i made is to stand firm by my own views and stands... but when pple challenge my views i will get angry but shut up... and let pple ride me... then bear wif it till i explode... i never keep my resolutions... i m a weakly... and yeah... if u, while reading this, think i m a loser... well u r probably right... i've lost total confidence... i've lost myself... i dunno who i m... i dunno wad i wan... i know there are some of u who reads this and ask... wad's wrong wif this guy... why is it he whines all the time and just dun stand up on his feet... the answer is tt i can't... i lost strength, i lost hope... i lost everything... i dun have a family tt supports me... my mum is dead and my dad never regard me as a family... my hope are dashed and all i have is a handful of frenz who will keep telling me it is ok.. it is alright... be strong... u have to change and u can... but how many understands how it feels? i know there are pple who are in worst situation then me but they became stronger and eventually outshines everyone... but i m sorry i m not like them... how things went since young till now... i've totally given up on myself... i've screwed up... sigh~ i like dreams... coz only in dreams can we be who we really wanna be... living in a world tt is entirely our own... it may not be reality... but it is the best excape i have... where the pangs of life is far away... my wish when i was 16 is tt i would die at the age of 18... when 18 came and went i wish i will die at the age of 21... 2006 is the year i turn 21... will my wish be fulfilled? ah sang - ji mo zai cang ge ps: please leave negetive comments aside and dun tag on my board... let me whine and cry one more time... just one more time... In Solitude at 12:27 am 0 shared in solitude | ||||||||||||