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been doing some blog surfing while decided not to sleep just in case i cannot wake up for my morning lessons like i had done for the pass few days... i begin to wonder how people see me honestly... and how i see others... i begin to wonder if i m really happy to see the lifes of pple being good... and i begin to wonder why on earth do i not get to enjoy such luxury and deep within... do i really bless them or do i curse them? not really curse but like... find 101 (sometimes even more) reasons why they should not enjoy such things but i should... i m selfish... honestly... i do... but what follows after it is that i found 101 reasons why they should enjoy it... and 1001 reasons why i dun deserve it... to think of it... i had given up hope on many things... i mean i do hope and i just cannot believe that i wun get to enjoy such stuff... and as much as i keep tellin myself... well it will one day... i know... it wun... it wun... i see pple fall in love and i keep askin myself... why him... why is he able to attract pple... i mean i m not tt bad... but lookin deep within... i know... i dun appeal... some pple appeal with looks... some with character... some with intellect... me? looks? i dun look good... and i gt nth to back tt up... no intellect too... jack of all trades master of none... i suck in interpersonal relationship... and i really wanna improve... but i m too childish and horny... really... truth be told...i either let my childish side spoil things or let my sexual urges destroy posibilities... why m i typing these... coz i just wanna find an outlet for all these feelings and thoughts... if all these are too much to bear... remove urself from here... dun leave any traces... no tags no comment no i-told-you-so... just go... i feel bad enough... dun add on... if not... i might just blow my top and hurl insults on u and maybe even ur family tree... trust me... i wanna change... i wanna improve... i keep tellin myself no... i keep tellin myself not to do it... i keep telling myself to take things slowly... i keep tellin myself i m 20... i keep tellin myself to grow up... but... i lost it in the end... what i tell myself not to do... i end up doing it... i keep tellin myself to go slowly... but i always scare pple away with the speed i wanna progress things... i keep telling myself to be sensitive and to put myself ion the shoes of others... but i end up carrying jokes too far... maybe from today onwards... maybe from now on... i will change... but i never succeed... i wann be proud of myself... but i can't find any reason to be... i thank the many people who still consider me a fren... who still consider me as someone who is worthy to hang out with... pple change... i've seen the changes happening so much that i have to stop and think how all these are going and where it will lead me... in tis current stage... i lost a couple of frenz whom i call dear... and trying my best to recover from it... i gained a few frenz who moved up the hierachy of ranking to become closer frenz and gained some frenz whom i dun really consider good frenz until lately... i guess the reason why i m stuck with this is tt i have not decided how i wanna move on... i have not really embraced the identity and to live freely in it... to a certain extend... i m still hiding... the fact tt i gt dual account for almost anything shows tt i m still hiding this side of myself... and in doing so... i limit myself in many things... i dun mean to proclaim it to everyone i see... but i still hide it from pple who are close... and when tt happens... i seek the solace in pple who are not ready for such docking by me... and of coz being the horny brat tt i always m... there are some tt i bring into the sexual realm without their comfort being considered and scare them away... i m still confused on who i really m and wad i really wan... i m in this transition age... i m stuck... i m overwhelmed... i m finding it hard to breath... i m even suicidal sometimes... right now... honestly... all i wan now are pple whom i can turn to... frenz who cares... frenz who wun hide things from me... and frenz who can accept me during my transition state where i m seeking my true identity... who i m and wad i wan in life... if not... leave me now... i rather all of u leave in one go... so tt i feel the pain in one shot... please dun let me get up after the mourning just to go back into mourning coz u suddenly decide tt i m nt worthy enough... after all these... all the release... thinking of others being attached or enjoy their lifes... i can now say... with conviction... that i now really wish all who are attached a happy and blissful life... the happiness i so desire i place them on u... tt even though i dun get it... i know it exist thru seeing it real in ur lifes... leave the best life u can life and fulfill all my greatest dreams and hopes... for me... please... ke yi wei wo er huo de duo zi duo cai ma? -元衛覺醒:過期- In Solitude at 2:38 am 0 shared in solitude | ||||||||||||