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went to the hospital lately to see my grams... and i really miss her... i guess i was being too much of a jerk when she is at home tt now when she is not... i actually wished she was... wad freedom? wad no need to follow curfew... bullshit... without her around... i m stuck at home with the chores... my useless bro does nothing and my sis gt studies... i m free... so i m stuck to clean up the place and stuff... if not when she comes back she is gonna whine and scold... who else... me... always... met with aaron a couple of days back and honestly... i miss him... a lot... all the times we had together when we were still close and whne i held him dear as a younger brother and he holding me close as an older brother... then somewhere along the line... i had to spoil the relationship... like i always do with either potential good frenz or pple close to me... I hate myself... i really detest me... somehow i know there are so many things i should do and should not do... but i dun follow tt... sometimes i really feel i add misery to the lifes of the pple around me... take for example: tarot... yes... it has given pple rather accurate readings... but it has also given pple a negetive outlook... often... it will just weigh them down so so much... sometimes they might be better not knowing anything... and i wonder how accurate my readings are... judging form the fact tt there are pple who sit thru them telling me tt it is accurate then go tell someone else tt it is not... i mean... fark... if it is not accurate tell me... do i look like one who wun understand or take it personally and think u gt something against me and start cursing u with my cards (nt tt i know how)... hell no.... so please... for crying out loud... be honest... which leads me to another issue... (i side track a lot) why can't pple be honest wif me? m i really not trustworthy? why tell me lies and stories to hide things from me... why not tell me the truth... i can, for crying out loud, take wadeva comes my way... if u hate me... tell me... if u dun like me... tell me... if u dun trust me... tell me... instead of cooking stories... just tell me str8 in my face... i dun wanna tell u... i prefer tt... at least u r honest with me... which brings me to another thing...(told u i side track) how many pple actually consider me as close fren? fren? acquaintance? dislike me but maintain a smiling face becoz of the other pple ard them? i really dunno anymore... i really i know a few who really consider me frenz and would stand by me when they hear pple talk bad abt me? but how many will really do tt? and how many will just stand and do nothing? and how many will actually join in? i know those who really are my frenz... and i really thank you for standing by me all these while... and u know urself where u belong... so dun feel threaten or hurt by it... all these while till my birthday and a few days after and recently... with the time i had and the mood i'm in... i thought thru a lot of things... i kinda accepted the fact tt i m not mature enough and not ready for a relationship... i concluded tt i kinda suck in my interpersonal relationship... i decided tt i should lose some weight and seriously i will be starting on it soon... and i had finalise a decision that should had been finalised since so long ago... i found myself hurt in this thinking process then growing stronger... still in the hurt mode... but i m growing stronger... but this thought will always linger in my mind... my favorite statement... which is why i dun like waking up sometimes... dreams... my only escape from tis cruel world into a world where i m truly free... sometimes... i really dun wanna wake up... really... the pain and agony is sometimes too much to bear... really too much... Coco Lee - Bei Ai De Nu Ren In Solitude at 3:26 am 0 shared in solitude | ||||||||||||